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finally figured out how to blog here

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I joined sparkpeople just a short while after quitting smoking. I have been an ex-smoker now for eight months, I had problems getting logged in to Spark for a while, and when I could get logged in I couldn't figure out how to post a blog until today. I blog because it seems to help me work out things when I am able to write/type them out. I used to write on Myspace faithfully until I was without internet for a couple years. I quit smoking, after many failed attempts by going on www.becomeanex.org and blogging there. And now, I have gained over thirty pounds while quitting smoking, I eat all the time, and I am depressed for a huuge combination of reasons, I am 1300 miles away from everything I ever knew, people are horrible and rude, i got screwed over by my employer, and I have no friends here...just to name a few of the reasons.
I am glad I quit smoking, I had a horrible time trying and trying to quit smoking all the time and now that I am quit, I am grateful, and I am solid in my quit. I have taught myself that to smoke again ever means that I am back to day one of my quit, and I had a horrible experience on day one of my quit, so, I will never smoke again.
Now, I can't stop eating, or rather, I can't stop myself from satisfying cravings when I have them, which is often. I crave sweet, I eat sweet, I crave salty, i eat salty, i crave, i eat, and I have gained 30 pounds. With my height according to BMI measurements, I should "ideally" weigh between 119 and 126 pounds, I currently weigh 180.
I also grew up with a mother who was definably severely obese for most of my childhood and youth, and she was miserable. And other people made her miserable. I don't want to get to that point, but I am headed in that direction if I don't do something. But gaining and losing some weight has always been kind of normal for me but now I am depressed about it, and about being laid off my job, and about not being able to find enough work to be able to be somewhat independant and not need to beg for money monthly, and about having a college degree and not being able to find relevant employment, and about being so broken hearted about everything and still not being able to do anything about it, it all just kind of compounds on itself and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it, who listens or gives a damn and my parents don't need to hear about how crappy I feel every time i talk to them especially because we are so far away from each other.
I need someone to talk to, and I need someone to listen, and I need someone to get to know me, and to understand what I am going through and to try to be my friend and help me make it through a hard time, Moving so far away from everything and everyone I knew I have nothing (or at least that is the way I feel about it right now) and I just need SOMEONE to tell me that it is okay to feel this (spark censored me and told me no profanity, f you spark) about my life right now but that they will be my friend and try to walk with me through this and hope there is something better.
This.....is why I blog, I can be more honest with myself when I can feel like no one can judge me about it. Thanks spark for making it where I can post blogs now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    How do you blog! :( emoticon
    2180 days ago
    Hi AJ, do you mind if I just say AJ. You must be about my size. 5' 1" & started out at 174.
    I recently had to retire, not by choice, but by tragedy, to take care of my 94-yr-old Mother. My sister had been living w/ her, working night-shift, & being there to fix meals, do laundry, as my mother just needed assistance at the time.
    May 23, 2010 changed all our lives, my sister's oldest child, daughter age 36, oldest grandson, age 13, & son-in-law all died in a house fire. They had just moved into the house the night before. It was an electrical fire. No working smoke alarms. My niece was an epileptic, had a service dog, who died at her side.
    Long story short (too late to be short), my sister wanted to move to NC to be with her only living child, another daughter who was hurting from terrible divorce.
    Consequently, I moved my mother in w/ me. By that time she needed more help. She was the primary child caregiver to little boy that died for the 1st 7 years of his life. She has grieved so much. It was like he was her child.
    My mother has been a blessing to me. She's in insulin dependent diabetic & recently had a stroke. But she perseveres However, planning, preparing & eating 3 meals a day, packed on the pounds. Spark People nutrition plans, grocery lists have been a Godsend. I use the Diabetic Management program & it has helped reduce the stress of just planning & shopping. Keep up with your journey & blog. I am currently planning my "life after Mom". I hope that doesn't come too soon, though. When talking w/ her I realize how hard her life had been. We were a career military family. My Mother moved 26 times in 31 years. Half of her married life, my father was gone with the military. I attended 12 different schools, 3 in 1st grade alone. My Mother was the glue that kept us together. Maybe her words will help you like they helped me through 12 school changes. "Remember, you're the new person on the school bus, when you get on, say "Hi, I'm Pat, I'm new, I just moved here from _________". I tried that, the next day when I got on the school bus, the whole bus said, "Hi Pat." What a boost to my ego, everyone knew my name. Just like "Cheers" song.
    By the way, my Mother is positive, waiting to go to Glory. She doesn't like being "old", but she still believes she has some purpose left on Earth.

    2324 days ago
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