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It's My Sparkversary, and I'll Cry if I Want To...

Monday, May 28, 2012

I'm in a funk, kids. Seriously.

You'd think I'd be soaring, right? I mean, my daughter and I did a full marathon at the beginning of the month. I immediately lept into nurse's aid training, and have been meeting with advisors and getting ducks in a row to start college classes at the end of June. We're still okay financially for the moment (though the clock is starting to tick louder there), even IF my former employer totally screwed me over on the whole unemployment deal (still need to e-mail my former boss the name of the person who fought it in HR so he knows who his "snake in the grass" is). And as of last week, I was within 3 pounds of my lowest weight again, right? All I needed to do was lose three measely pounds to be back at "80 lbs in 2 years" for today.

Apparently it wasn't important enough, because I'm back up in the 190s again today (and yes I tracked it for honesty's sake).

I still haven't done anything about the marathon follow up blog - I've been thinking about taking the pics and putting some of them to music via animoto. But I seriously lack the motivation to do anything about it. At least I posted the pics on facebook - you can see them here if you're interested:

But here's the thing...I've been conflicted about the whole thing. I mean, I finished, right? 26.2 miles is a big deal! the time we made it to the finish line (having had "The Van" breathing down our necks from Mariemont on...the fact we kept in front of it and managed to widen the gap a bit is the only reason we were allowed to finish at all) everybody had packed up. Oh, we got our medals, but there's no victory picture of us crossing (my ex got one of us from the back because that's as close as they were allowed to get to the "victory area", but the moment when we held hands raised high in the air as we crossed the finish line, you know the "our official picture takers are there so your family doesn't have to worry about missing your moment" apparently didn't apply to the stragglers. There were no space blankets, all the food was gone or in the process of being packed up, the celebration area was deserted and strewn with debris... It was, in a word, depressing. Oh, our family was there cheering us on, and I found myself embarrassed for them. Poor things to have to see all the REAL marathoners come in and get kudos, while we limped in after everybody had left.

When we got home that night, I wanted to see all of the Pig coverage on the local news (thanks to Channel 5 for caring and giving some real coverage, I suspect they had staff in the race, the rest of the networks just showed the winners and that was it)...and then I realized I needed to avoid it. Because seeing all the people cheered as they came in, the special coverage of the one blind marathoner, seeing everybody in the celebration area in their space blankets and seeing folks being welcomed into the victory hurt. A lot.

To see various "Spark Celebrities" on the Daily Spark blogging about their experiences or about other racers more "worthy" of notice hurt too. I tried to drum up support. I tried to organize a spark meet up. I had been told after the crickets regarding the Heartwalk in March that the office had several people participating in The Pig, so I'd probably get a lot more support from the office in organizing things for the Pig, but it didn't happen. Believe me, I tried. And there I'd been sparkmailing people in the office, posting all over the Pig Marathon team, blasting the entire Cincinnati Spark team with requests regarding interest about a meet up, and all I ever received in return were random spark members either saying 'I've never heard of this" or "Not this year" (which wasn't what I was asking...sighs...). I had no idea who had even done the race from Sparkpeople - office or not - so reading the blogs on the Daily Spark stung.

There is one HUGE exception there - at the last minute on race day I got a sparkmail from someone I'd met at the Spark Rally last May (still trying to figure out why some of those people I met have unfriended me, and won't reply to queries asking why, but that's just background noise at this point) who decided to do the half marathon at the last minute, and was hoping against the odds that we'd see each other. And against all odds we did - here is a picture of myself, my daughter, and my spark friend McCourt before the race:

So it's been really hard to find a whole lot of Spark lately. I feel abandoned and forgotten, and not just by the race organizers. Oh I know I have a wonderful support system and some VERY good friends here, but some of my enthusiasm seems to have waned a bit. I haven't checked in with any of my teams all month. Now, immediately after the race I started 2 weeks of very intense nurse's aid training, but even now that that's over (there's a review session tomorrow, and I'm taking the State Test on June 6th, so it's not COMPLETELY over, but going to class every day only lasted 2 weeks) I've been avoiding SP. Some of it is the fact I've been putting off the marathon blog, but some of it is simple pain avoidance...if I don't log into Sparkpeople, I don't have to feel forgotten and unimportant.

(Side note - the fact I've very tentatively stuck my toe back into fetlife recently and while there are those who seem happy to see me around, I'm being mostly ignored isn't helping...I thought the folks in Columbus who haven't seen us for a while would be interested in getting together while we're in town for Origins..but apparently not so much)

SO, here we are. And right now, losing 80 lbs in 2 years (particularly since it's back at 70 lbs) doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment. That's less than 40 lbs a year, and I had THAT gone in the first 6 months. I can't IMAGINE why ~INDYGIRL asked me to speak at the Chicago Rally...I'm no "Hundred Pounds Lost" diva, heck I can't even keep off the 80 lbs I HAVE managed to lose, I keep dancing between the 190s and the 180s and I'm starting to wonder if I'll be stuck doing this forever.

So yeah, I'm in a funk. And I think I'm allowed. However, I've given myself a deadline. See, back in January I divided the year into 2 parts - the first 6 months were dedicated to the marathon, and the second half of the year would be dedicated to weightloss. I still have a lot of "Dreams of BadAssNess" - there's the Warrior Dash in August (another fly in my emotional ointment is the fact nobody seems to want to do it with me anymore..sighs) and I am GOING to rawk that thing hard. And this summer I have plans for ziplining, rock climbing, and riding roller coasters until my head spins, all of which contributes to my ongoing desire to be a B.A.M.F - so believe me, I'm all in as far as that's concerned. But I need to get more of this weight off to reach my OTHER goal of M.I.L.F-hood. So as of June 1st, it's ON baybee! Back to basics, tracking, getting my food choices in order, and rawking out at the gym. Because my new headband says it all...

Marathon Picture Blog (or musical slideshow, still haven't decided) still to come. Promise.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MAGGIE101857
    Have loved following your journey and plan on keeping you around! Wish I could get Indy for the rally but will hopefully be new grand babies that month and it's my daughters birthday! Hope to meet you one day! emoticon
    2486 days ago
    Oh Eu, how could anyone EVER ignore your AWESOMENESS and I do apologize for not being around more to visit, we need a team to share so I am off to find one besides TCoHP since we are not in the same house.

    EU you listen to me, if there was no one there but your family to see you finish that race then let em go *&&%^%% off. Escuse my pretty language. You have accomplished what so many of us only dream about doing. You entered the race, you trained hard, you went and you FINISHED and YOU ARE A HERO for so many of us who think we might never do that.

    So you stop belittling yourself and you stand tall, you pat yourself on the back and you blow your own horn and you celebrate life for that accomplishment and also YOUR WEIGHT LOSS.

    Do you even realize how some would kill to just get off that first 40 pounds let alone 70+. It isi no easy task and you have done it as well. I myself went down to 173 and then back up to 193 and now am finally back at 183 so it is a journey, sometimes we stumble and go A** backwards and sometimes we cruize forward. The real progress is that we NEVER give up and we always CONTINUE to try.

    You my wonderful friend and sister of the heart have real B.A.ness about yourself just oozing out of every pour. SO DON'T YOU EVER FORGET IT. got it??????????

    Now don't be a stranger to my SP page when your on here and hey visit me on FB as well.

    I started my medical journey as a CNA, moved on to Acitvity Director (you would love that) and then Phlebotomist (blood sucker) and then back to Act. Dr. start small but look high. I love working with the elderly most.

    Love your guts you wild, wonderful, wacky strong woman you,
    2491 days ago
  • RUDITUDI2000
    You have overcome!! That is a lot of weight! Training for and finishing a marathon is Huge accomplishment! I think you are amazing..
    2491 days ago
    1. YOU FINISHED A FULL MARATHON?????????? WOW!!! So what there were no space blankets or photos or whatever, YOU FINISHED A FULL MARATHON! You rock. You did something none of the spectators did. You did something most people never do in their lives. Girl, that's amazing!

    2. You're letting the opinions of others influence how you take care of your health? You're having setbacks? Well, welcome to the club. If I knew how to stop that, I'd bottle it and sell it. When you figure it out, will you let me know? When you're speaking, you can tell everyone from the heart that it doesn't ever get easier, but the hard work does pay off.

    3. We care about you. Cry if you want to, but thanks for posting here so that we can be there for you as you have been for others. Thanks.

    2491 days ago
    You SOOO ROCK!

    2491 days ago
    Happy Sparkversary! Cry away - you're entitled to your feelings. emoticon emoticon
    2491 days ago
    We have missed you but I didn't want to bother you too much as I know you have a busy life. Come visit soon!!!!
    2491 days ago
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    2491 days ago
    Dang I wish I lived closer to you too! I just found you through another SP friend in my feed... and you are echoing all my thoughts.. I want someone around to do these things with too. I'm in WA state - but know that I am there in spirit with you.

    YOU FINISHED A MARATHON - yeah it sucks that people didn't stick around to see it - you DESERVED that. BUT.. no one can take away the fact that you did it. I'm impressed.

    Hang in there - feel free to hit me up for support anytime. I've added you as a friend - hope that's ok - and hope you will do the same.

    2491 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    OK friend, you asked for it. YOU are AWESOME! I'm the one who is always ignored. ALWAYS. By everyone but my husband and best friend in real life. Ask them, they'll regale with the true stories of how I'm ignored by even my parents at times (and they don't even realize it).

    I'm sorry that the meet-ups aren't working. Wish I lived a lot closer because you can bet I'd be there at the Dash with you. It seems like such a fun event! I hope you won't let those whose lives got in the way beat you down.

    I've been there done that with a 5K for charity walk, and I wasn't even the last one in. But it seems that the event organizers only rent/hire for a specific time. It's a shame it's not longer than the actual "allowed time" of the race. Don't let them spoil your victory! YOU did a MARATHON! YOU ROCK!

    BTW about the slow weight loss? How about 40 lbs in 4 years with most of it the first year?! That's me. You deserve to be asked to speak. You can speak about the effort it takes and the stress of not meeting goals but still being victorious.

    Did you know? You've kept off 70 lbs?! YOU ROCK!
    2491 days ago

    Color me as one of the ones impressed as heck out of your marathon accomplishment and looking forward to seeing/hearing/whatever your race experience. (Couldn't get the facebook link to work for me, sorry!)

    2491 days ago
    I don't know you, but I have to chime in here: You finished a marathon. Let me repeat that: YOU FINISHED A MARATHON. I can barely finish a 5k. Congratulations on accomplishing something that many people couldn't fathom doing. What an inspiration you are!
    2492 days ago
  • FREES1
    sorry to hear that your big accomplishment took such a negative spin... i can only imagine what it's like to be able to run that far, let alone also imagining finishing after the afterglo faded... there was a neat movie with Joanne Woodward that came out in the 70s that kind of had the same theme as your race... sorry I don't recall the title..

    with the unfriending - I've done that too... sometimes the list just gets too long so the friend feed gets overwhelming with people with whom I don't keep up nor they with me... not meant personally to the person

    please try to keep the faith - latch onto the great thing that you did - running a marathon - that you finished it and not the environment at the finish... next time you'll do better!
    2492 days ago
    Everyone else has said what I want to say to you as well, and more eloquently than I could, so I will just agree with all of them and offer you this...
    You are an amazing woman, and I am glad to count you among my friends!
    2492 days ago
    Yea, I totally get you on the being ignored front. At a time when I was being ignored and I was hurting, you and Jules were the only ones there but that kept me coming back because I didn't want to feel like I was letting y'all down. It worked, because I'm still here. Try not to worry about those ignoring you, you do have some REAL friends here that would NEVER abandon you in your time of need!
    2492 days ago
    Look at all the people who like me have read your blog and must care a great deal enough to respond!
    I am so sad that the marathon organisation didn't have the decency to wait for the last participants to cross the line, nor have kept over enough food and blankets! I really think you should write to them, that if they have a stragglers van, they they should relay with them, and make sure that they cater for the last runners as well as the first and middles! Shameful.
    I hope that in time, this feeling of being let down will fade and you will only remember your achievement, for you have done what I haven't done, and probably never will!!!! Pat on the back to you!
    and HOW DARE YOU SAY that losing 40lbs in a year is nothing!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!! Come on, Euphrates, read this again and tell me that you are not crazy! It is an amazing achievement, and what if you gained a bit just now, don't you think we all do? you will simply lose them pounds again and more! Remember, slow and progressive is best!!!!

    All the best for the next 6 months' goal, and don't worry about the spark people who aren't there for you at the moment, and take heart in those who are!

    Huge hugs! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2492 days ago
    I am not doing warrior this year but have talked with the boyfriend about doing warrior next year (and I hope I can meet up with folks there).

    Treat the speaking engagement as a) the honor it really is, and b) a time to let the rest of us know that the "divas" of spark get frustrated too. 80 pounds is my goal, so to me you are awesome, and I am only half way there.

    It sucks they rolled up the carpet before you guys made it in, anyone who attempts a marathon deserves to be celebrated in my book. Anyone who finishes deserves huge kudos.

    There are still plenty of us who love you and understand how it is when the spark flickers. Keep fighting the good fight, and you HAVE accomplished a whole heck of a lot.

    If you come up to NW Ohio coaster country let me know that is my neck of the woods!
    2492 days ago
    I wish I new the right words to say to make you feel better. Life sucks sometimes. There is no getting around that. Just make sure you surround yourself with people who love you and don't let you down. When you are feeling low, think about all the amazing things you've accomplished, like finishing the race and the weight loss. Those people don't understand because they haven't done it themselves. They don't understand the struggles. Just keep at it. I'm proud of what you've accomplished!
    2492 days ago
  • MISSG180
    That sucks, a lot. Life is frustrating like that sometimes.

    I'm sorry I didn't get back to you about Origins. We are just in crazy tired mode here.
    2492 days ago
    Sweetie, you KNOW I understand about the *being ignored* thing (have I mentioned that only 1 person showed up to my casual get together before I left Atlanta? yep, just one), but here's the most important thing to remember about that: no matter how much other folks may ignore you, that does not negate how much you have accomplished, or change the fact that you are 12 shades of awesome. Those people who didn't respond to the meet-up idea seriously missed out on a fabulous time, and missed out on meeting a fabulous person. Don't let that keep you down; but then again, judging from the last part of your blog, you aren't! Keep on truckin', baybee, and you will be leaving all those folks in your dust.

    Rock on, doll!
    2492 days ago
    When I was in school only one person was made more fun of than me. I was crushed to learn my friends were saying the same things behind my back everyone else was saying to my face. I have HUGE trust issues but don't let it get in my way of trying to have the best life I can. You won't let those sad/ignored feelings do that to you either. you've lost 70-80 pounds. you know it's possible to keep going. you just need to focus on you, no one can do it for you so don't feel bad when the negative people remove themselves from your life. your better off without them :)
    2492 days ago
    No matter what happens, you will always be a spark celebrity to us, we are proud of you and everything you have done so far.
    2492 days ago
    Hugs, Eu.
    2492 days ago
    I haven't signed up yet, but Thing 2 and I will being the Sat. Ohio II Dash. See you there? Bringing Yote?
    2492 days ago
    Ya know, people (even those who have done the thing) don't really understand the dedication and drive it takes to finish a marathon. Boo to the organizers who wrapped the finish line up before every last participant was off the course! Screw 'em, you did it and that's what matters.

    The know what I'm gonna MUST work on re-gaining lean muscle. Your body has worn down a lot of its metabolic powerhouse through your marathon training, and now it needs to rebuild! It will happen, you'll be back on that horse - don't lose sight of the positive things you've done so far.
    2492 days ago
    Hey - sorry you've been feeling ignored :( *hugs* Great job on the marathon - I'm still working on the 5K. Sorry it wasn't what you'd hoped, but you still finished, and that's AWESOME!
    If I'd known, I'd have come cheer you on if I can get to you (don't know where you are located, I'm in Chicago.)

    and congrats on the weight loss! I've been stuck at 20 lbs for a while, so you're a huge inspiration to me :)

    Here's to getting that spark back! emoticon
    2492 days ago
    McCourt is a pretty cool guy - I met him at JASR.

    I think you have a lot to be proud of and I am sure you will be an awesome speaker. I wish that SparkRally was closer to me in Pittsburgh. I am not in a position to travel far right now.

    2492 days ago
    I know the feeling - not about running in a marathon, but about being ignored and disregarded, about feeling letdown, and about following success (weight loss) with failure (weight gain).

    Hang in there. People love you. People adore you. Maybe people sometimes ignore you, but not everyone does, right?
    2492 days ago
    feel your feelings. it is ok. it is ok to feel hurt and disappointed and abandoned and all of those thing. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS and then let them go.

    Mostly what I can hear in your blog is the feeling of not being GOOD ENOUGH. I can relate. I do that to myself as well. No matter what I do, how well I do it, or how great it is. It is NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

    YOU LOST 70 LBS!!!


    You are GOOD ENOUGH. You don't have to be perfect or do things like everyone else does. The fact is you DO them! You set goals and you accomplish them. You are amazing and an inspiration. But mostly you are GOOD ENOUGH!!!! Try giving yourself a little bit of a break and see if you can feel that too.

    emoticon emoticon
    2492 days ago
    Now that the pity party is over Lady, YOU really do ROCK!!! AND I am looking forward to seeing you at INDYGIRL's rally in Portage, and YOU better show up.. emoticon

    Spark ON!!
    2492 days ago
    Sorry to hear about your funk. I think it's great that you even ATTEMPTED a marathon -- and the fact that you finished is amazing and deserves much more kudos than you received at the finish line. I'm not sure anything I say can be helpful, but I just wanted to let you know I am here for you in any way I possibly can be. AND I do not believe you are going to be stuck in the 180's-190's forever... you will overcome this. 70 lbs in 2 years? That is something worth celebrating. Think of all of the people who will NEVER get as far as you have come already (and there are plenty, trust me!).... Once your mind is back in a good place, I think you will start heading downwards again. You deserve the honor of speaking in Chicago, and you deserve to feel proud and good about yourself too.
    2492 days ago
    First of all, congratulations on your loss - it IS a big deal.
    Also, finishing a marathon IS a big deal.
    Sorry that you did not get the support you envisioned.
    Every now and then it's time to reevaluate and fine-tune.
    Remember who you're doing this for...
    There are many "NON Spark Celebrities" out there working this program with great success, finding their worth within themselves.
    Hope you'll get out of your funk soon.

    2492 days ago
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