I'm in a funk, kids. Seriously.
You'd think I'd be soaring, right? I mean, my daughter and I did a full marathon at the beginning of the month. I immediately lept into nurse's aid training, and have been meeting with advisors and getting ducks in a row to start college classes at the end of June. We're still okay financially for the moment (though the clock is starting to tick louder there), even IF my former employer totally screwed me over on the whole unemployment deal (still need to e-mail my former boss the name of the person who fought it in HR so he knows who his "snake in the grass" is). And as of last week, I was within 3 pounds of my lowest weight again, right? All I needed to do was lose three measely pounds to be back at "80 lbs in 2 years" for today.
Apparently it wasn't important enough, because I'm back up in the 190s again today (and yes I tracked it for honesty's sake).
I still haven't done anything about the marathon follow up blog - I've been thinking about taking the pics and putting some of them to music via animoto. But I seriously lack the motivation to do anything about it. At least I posted the pics on facebook - you can see them here if you're interested: www.facebook.com
But here's the thing...I've been conflicted about the whole thing. I mean, I finished, right? 26.2 miles is a big deal! But...by the time we made it to the finish line (having had "The Van" breathing down our necks from Mariemont on...the fact we kept in front of it and managed to widen the gap a bit is the only reason we were allowed to finish at all) everybody had packed up. Oh, we got our medals, but there's no victory picture of us crossing (my ex got one of us from the back because that's as close as they were allowed to get to the "victory area", but the moment when we held hands raised high in the air as we crossed the finish line, you know the "our official picture takers are there so your family doesn't have to worry about missing your moment" apparently didn't apply to the stragglers. There were no space blankets, all the food was gone or in the process of being packed up, the celebration area was deserted and strewn with debris... It was, in a word, depressing. Oh, our family was there cheering us on, and I found myself embarrassed for them. Poor things to have to see all the REAL marathoners come in and get kudos, while we limped in after everybody had left.
When we got home that night, I wanted to see all of the Pig coverage on the local news (thanks to Channel 5 for caring and giving some real coverage, I suspect they had staff in the race, the rest of the networks just showed the winners and that was it)...and then I realized I needed to avoid it. Because seeing all the people cheered as they came in, the special coverage of the one blind marathoner, seeing everybody in the celebration area in their space blankets and seeing folks being welcomed into the victory area...it hurt. A lot.
To see various "Spark Celebrities" on the Daily Spark blogging about their experiences or about other racers more "worthy" of notice hurt too. I tried to drum up support. I tried to organize a spark meet up. I had been told after the crickets regarding the Heartwalk in March that the office had several people participating in The Pig, so I'd probably get a lot more support from the office in organizing things for the Pig, but it didn't happen. Believe me, I tried. And there I'd been sparkmailing people in the office, posting all over the Pig Marathon team, blasting the entire Cincinnati Spark team with requests regarding interest about a meet up, and all I ever received in return were random spark members either saying 'I've never heard of this" or "Not this year" (which wasn't what I was asking...sighs...). I had no idea who had even done the race from Sparkpeople - office or not - so reading the blogs on the Daily Spark stung.
There is one HUGE exception there - at the last minute on race day I got a sparkmail from someone I'd met at the Spark Rally last May (still trying to figure out why some of those people I met have unfriended me, and won't reply to queries asking why, but that's just background noise at this point) who decided to do the half marathon at the last minute, and was hoping against the odds that we'd see each other. And against all odds we did - here is a picture of myself, my daughter, and my spark friend McCourt before the race:
So it's been really hard to find a whole lot of Spark lately. I feel abandoned and forgotten, and not just by the race organizers. Oh I know I have a wonderful support system and some VERY good friends here, but some of my enthusiasm seems to have waned a bit. I haven't checked in with any of my teams all month. Now, immediately after the race I started 2 weeks of very intense nurse's aid training, but even now that that's over (there's a review session tomorrow, and I'm taking the State Test on June 6th, so it's not COMPLETELY over, but going to class every day only lasted 2 weeks) I've been avoiding SP. Some of it is the fact I've been putting off the marathon blog, but some of it is simple pain avoidance...if I don't log into Sparkpeople, I don't have to feel forgotten and unimportant.
(Side note - the fact I've very tentatively stuck my toe back into fetlife recently and while there are those who seem happy to see me around, I'm being mostly ignored isn't helping...I thought the folks in Columbus who haven't seen us for a while would be interested in getting together while we're in town for Origins..but apparently not so much)
SO, here we are. And right now, losing 80 lbs in 2 years (particularly since it's back at 70 lbs) doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment. That's less than 40 lbs a year, and I had THAT gone in the first 6 months. I can't IMAGINE why ~INDYGIRL asked me to speak at the Chicago Rally...I'm no "Hundred Pounds Lost" diva, heck I can't even keep off the 80 lbs I HAVE managed to lose, I keep dancing between the 190s and the 180s and I'm starting to wonder if I'll be stuck doing this forever.
So yeah, I'm in a funk. And I think I'm allowed. However, I've given myself a deadline. See, back in January I divided the year into 2 parts - the first 6 months were dedicated to the marathon, and the second half of the year would be dedicated to weightloss. I still have a lot of "Dreams of BadAssNess" - there's the Warrior Dash in August (another fly in my emotional ointment is the fact nobody seems to want to do it with me anymore..sighs) and I am GOING to rawk that thing hard. And this summer I have plans for ziplining, rock climbing, and riding roller coasters until my head spins, all of which contributes to my ongoing desire to be a B.A.M.F - so believe me, I'm all in as far as that's concerned. But I need to get more of this weight off to reach my OTHER goal of M.I.L.F-hood. So as of June 1st, it's ON baybee! Back to basics, tracking, getting my food choices in order, and rawking out at the gym. Because my new headband says it all...
Marathon Picture Blog (or musical slideshow, still haven't decided) still to come. Promise.