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Self Sabotage

Friday, May 25, 2012

Why am I so prone to self-sabotage? I start doing well and once I notice it is down the tubes. I know that practicum is highly stressful but what about afterwards? How come it takes me so long to get energized? I am now looking for a summer job and thought I would have one by now but did not get any calls as of yet. It is tough to get into a routine when everything is in limbo. I seemed to be depressed after practicum and have somewhat snapped out of it but why I am not back to exercising regularly. I did a few workouts last week but was far from routine. I have my vision wall on the back of my door and my incentive chart which usually helps me get going but the last two weeks, I just ignored them. One thing is that I do need to get better sleep. I am enjoying my summer course but am wired by the time I get home and am usually up past midnight and still have to wake up at 6:30 to get Lavinia ready for school. Not too smart on my part. Maybe I will add that to my incentive chart for the time being. Sleep by 10:30 would be great. Maybe it will help. I have been better with my water but far from the 8 glasses I need. I could very easily get through the day without drinking any glasses of water so that area is difficult for me. Once I get my exercise in, not so much. My knees are starting to bother me, so I am starting to think of exercise like my medication. I take my pills in the morning so I don't forget, and now that I am not working have started exercising asap so I don't forget as well. Medication. That is another thing. I am on blood thinners and once practicum was over, I missed days upon days of medication. I got so low that my blood tested one point higher than normal which means I was very likely to get another blood clot which I am prone to getting. I remember not even feeling scared. I remember being very concerned of heart attack and stroke when my blood tested low before but not nearly that low. I would have nightmares. This time I wasn't even phased. It's odd how depression sometimes does not make you sad but just gives you a lack of feeling for anything. I seemed much better once I started taking my summer course. I am back taking my meds regularly and working on the exercise and water part. Then I will concentrate heavily on the diet. Right now I am just tracking.

I know I'm 80's old school because I played enough "Trivial Pursuit" to know that the hit board game was invented by two Canadians in '79. That was the game in our house. I did not have a chance but still played and had fun. I was ok with arts and literature but had a huge disadvantage because I'm 10 years younger than my brother so would be completing against my mom the social studies teacher, Dad was knowledgeable in politics and literature and my brother was in university before I even finished elementary school. Once I was old enough to have a boyfriend and we played in pairs, and my boyfriend David was a science guy and that is when we would kick butt. I knew some of the arts questions he did not and he knew anything science that no one else knew. We always played the original version so some of the questions were out of date when we played but we still had a great time.
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  • 1EMMA2011
    I so understand what you are saying about how depression can make you not feel anything at all. Keep going and you are awesome!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2189 days ago

    Never knew about the creators of "Trivial Pursuit". I kind of avoided the game because I just don't do well remembering trivia (or jokes).
    2192 days ago
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