Fighting My Way Out Of A Fog

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Since I've started this journey at the end of March I've been pretty motivated and focused. Even when I've had food days way outside my range, I haven't beat myself up or told myself that I shouldn't even BOTHER trying to lose weight, and that one or five heavy meals doesn't mean I've failed and should quit.

It seems like the last few days I've completely forgotten who I was and what I'm doing. I'm still tracking my food, I'm still making mostly healthy choices, but I haven't exercised in days and days. I hate not racking up those fitness points. But it's almost like I'm not engaged in the process and I'm just kind of floating above my own body as I go through the motions.

It's not just my Aunt dying, and it's not just Shark Week (although that's always a factor, and I keep forgetting that when I get to the placebo row my mood tends to plummet)...I'm just disconnected and in a funk. I've been watching too much TV and not spending enough time up in my studio making pretty things. After last week's victory of no take-out and good home cooked food, we had take out twice this week and we're going out to dinner tonight for Tyler's 18th birthday. It scares me that I can be so motivated and on point one day and a few days later act like I've never pledged to make healthy choices to live a healthy lifestyle. What's worse is that I've been feeling kind of apathetic about the fact that I'm "slipping".

HOWEVER...I am AWARE of what's going on, and I have the power to turn this thing around at any time. So why not right now?

I am having strong and dark feelings - I am trying to avoid how I feel because I am an addict and my default setting is denial and running away. What I need to do is GET REALLY REAL and settle down into the truth and not be afraid of my pain and vulnerability. It's the running away that makes me crazy, not the actual truth of the pain. When I allow myself to just sit down and feel it, it might hurt, yes, but I feel truly alive because I am not denying the truth and I am giving myself the gift of being present with myself while processing what it is I'm feeling. I am feeling deeply sad and fearful, I am feeling a some shame and self-recrimination about slacking with myself since one of my new mottos has been "Success is when you don't let yourself down." I am sad that I've let myself down a little. I am feeling melancholy about my boys getting older and while I'm thrilled that Tyler is going to UConn in the Fall, I'm also really going to miss him and I'm sad about the fact that all of this is happening so fast. Heck, they've both grown up so fast and I almost want life to slow down a little because they were little boys in a blink of an eye they're young men. Soon they'll be gone and while that's normal and natural I still want some of this FAMILY STUFF. And there's the tears. That's what I'm running from. I have to accept life on life's terms and open my hands and let go of the boys and let them be young men and embrace the new directions our family is taking, but it's hard.

I mean, you all didn't know me 17 years ago, but I used to be this really messed up borderline dirtbag in New York City, out all night, being wild and selfish and totally self-destructive. Back then my wildest dream was to die before I turned 30. I never imagined in a million years that I'd ever have a family - even a semi-non-traditional one like mine. As a stepmom, I only met these boys 10 years ago, so this has gone by even faster for me than if I had been the one to bring them into the world. I know each stage of life has it's blessings and challenges, and whatever comes next, I will be sad to see that go too, I'm sure. I like to hold on to EVERYTHING.

What really matters to me is the connections I have to other people in my life - my family, my family of origin, my friends - and if I am going to be around for these "life chapters" or whatever you want to call them, then I need to recommit myself to taking the best care of myself that I can. Laying around might feel okay in the moment, but it's not taking the best care of myself.

So I'm gonna do it the way its laid out in the Spark. 10 minutes a day no matter what, even if it's "just walking" or my 10 minute hip hop dance video. Adding more servings of freggies until I hit 5-7 servings a day. Blogging more. Re-reading my goals and positive messages. Being honest when I'm struggling and asking my SparkPeeps for help if I need it.

I also just received the SparkPeople Cookbook in the mail yesterday -- bought it for myself as a birthday present with the money Randy's mom gave me (my birthday isn't until next week, but she gave me my card the same time she gave us Tyler's card for his birthday today). I LOVE this cookbook already - full of such great information, I'm going to try to plan my meals next week with at least three new recipes from the book.

I know I rambled, but thanks for "listening" as I worked it out, I knew if I just sat down I'd get to the bottom of this weirdness. Yes, I'm sad, but I'm also grateful and I'm feeling positive about forging forward and I'm glad that Sparkpeople is here to give me a place to be accountable and for all the AMAZING support.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This journey is as much of a mental one as aphysical one. It stands to reason that if we overate in the first place for emotional reasons that at times our body will need us to pause and examine these reasons to not repeat them in the future. The important thing is to examine your lethargy and then refocus yourself on your goal, pick yourself up again and get back on track. This si the beauty of Spark...that it helps keep you focused if you keep using it. I know for a fact that I would've slipped back into my old habits after 2 or 3 months and would be heavier than my start weight if I hadn't stayed focused on here and worked out my problems through my blogs. You are going to do this too....I believe in you. Yes, changes are coming, and emotional ones, but life will always be like that so it's about learning to accept these changes without turning to food or self sabotage.I know you know are very obviously an intelligent woman and a survivor too and this is why I know you will do this emoticon emoticon
    2155 days ago
    Baby steps.

    It's no crime to take a breather. Not go back to your old elf-destructive ways, but to do the bare minimum you need to do to get by. Drink your water, track your points, and if you end up going over, or making choices that are not the best for you, remember that six months ago, the idea of consciously thinking about what you are eating would not even have been on your radar. I am guessing that this funk now, as bad as it feels, is nowhere near as bad as ones you have had in the past. You've got some systems in place to make sure that you cannot plummet too far without realizing it.

    Transitions are really hard. Sending kids off to college is hugely hard, for both the parents and the teachers. I teach mostly seniors, so I see this every year. The kids tend to pull away, parents tend to cling. And you can rationally tell yourself that this is good, and that he is really just down the road, but things are changing, and it's scary, particularly if you don't like change.

    I don't have any great advice for you, other than allow yourself the time and space you need to process everything that is going on in your life. The bathtub is a good place for that. :-)



    2155 days ago
    I had a few weeks like that too. I needed to pause.
    2155 days ago
    We are all definitely here for you. I can relate to the slipping part, I just took a look at something and totally hadn't realized just HOW bad I have been. I love that you can ask for help.... I know I will be there to throw out the dingy for you for sure!!

    emoticon emoticon
    2156 days ago

    I can relate and understand many of your thoughts. I was just reminding myself this morning about how life, people, events, things, chores can weave there way in front of what it is I am really doing and feeling, at this very moment. How I distract myself from real feelings and real issues in my life.

    Thank you for sharing this, I feel better knowing I am not alone in this thinking. emoticon

    GREAT job commiting to 10 minutes a day!.... I may join you in that!
    2156 days ago
    "It's the running away that makes me crazy, not the actual truth of the pain." Yes, and this is the difficult part for me, because I do it on AUTOPILOT. This is my "default setting" and I still have to fight myself to feel feelings, to notice I even have them, and grow through the process. Even though I've put down the food, this is how my system works, even without food, alcohol or drugs or compulsive behaviors. This is why feelings "sneak up on me and beat me over the head." When I do stop fighting and get to feel, it always feels better on the other side. Thank you so much for giving me so much to identify with! And thank the gods for sponsors and other people who are willing to tell me what's sneaking up on me! What we can't do alone, we can do together.
    2156 days ago
    You definitely sound like someone who has been through a lot, but has also overcome a lot and is obviously a very strong person. That in itself is very inspiring, and just by reading what you put out there for us to read, I can tell that you can do anything you set your mind to. Even when things aren't coming as easy, and other things get in the way, you still want to get back to basics and keep putting one foot in front of the other, I love it! :D
    2156 days ago
    We are here to support you! I understand the gym, I myself haven't gone since last Friday and I only feel a little guilty. You'll get back there! I like the whole 10 minutes a day thing, I might try that.
    2156 days ago
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