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My struggles.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

You'd think by now I'd get tired of starting over but obviously I must enjoy it. On Sunday, I walked 2.5 miles on the boardwalk. It was a slow pace but I did it. Afterwards, we stopped at a pizza place that had a slogan 'home of the big slice.' We compared the size of the slice by putting it next to my 2-1/2 year old nephew.

Yup, I had an entire slice. I wonder how many WW points that had?

Then as I looked through the photos that we took, I was disappointed in the photo of myself. As you know, I'm not one to have pictures taken of myself, but since the Lupus walk was for me, I guess I should be in at least one of the photos. I was mortified, to say the least. I was actually bigger than I was last year at the same time. How can this be? I've really struggled this past year but I've definitely changed my eating habits and added more exercise. My lab work shows the results. My cholesterol and triglycerides are normal for the first time in years. That's proof of my hard work and dedication!

On Tuesday, I had an appointment with the nutritionist. When I got on her scale, it read 2 lbs more than what I weighed at my WW meeting on Saturday. emoticon Could I have possible gained back the weight that I've struggled to lose for months in just one weekend? Maybe my son's birthday cake had something to do with it. I ate more than my fair share.

So this morning I sit here contemplating my next move. I'm having a serious discussion with myself. I'm not happy and I have to find a way to deal with this weight and the toll it's taking on my emotions.

I've already decided not to continue weight watchers and to cancel my Y membership. I'm spending $125 a month on weight loss solutions and I'm not even sure what the problem is. I have to dig deeper and find the root of my problem before I continue wasting money on my weight loss journey. I hope this is the right move. I'd hate to look back a year from now and be even bigger than I am now.

I've cleaned up my home gym...again, I'll be working closely with my nutritionist, and of course I'll continue to spark. I'm going to embark on a more spiritual journey and see where that leads me.

This morning as I think about the ice cream that I binged on late last night, I'm digging through my bookshelf and dusting off some of my old companions:

The Practical Encyclopedia of Feng Shui.
My 'Excuses Begone!' cd collection by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer that my oldest son was wise enough to give me.
I also have another cd set by Tony Robbins that my sister-in-law gave to me. (I guess my loved ones around me also see my struggles and can feel my pain.)

My therapist once told me that it must be lonely inside my head being my own cheerleader.
emoticon You know what? She's right. But if I don't cheer myself on, who else will? I do have support of my family and spark friends, but it's important to be the lead cheerleader in my own life, don't you think? That's why I got rid of that therapist. She wasn't the best for me. I got a new one but I haven't been in to see her in over a year. I might give her a call. She might be able to give me some insight on why I don't feel worthy of losing weight. Am I hiding in my own body? If so...why?

Today, I've got the pool guy coming to open my pool. I'll be working on my arms this morning cause I got LOTS of leaves to scoop out before he shows up. emoticon I've also got lots of yard work to do. Scrubbing the tables and chairs clean because I didn't have the good sense to cover them during the winter. My M-I-L already called and said she was grilling some ribs this holiday weekend. Gulp. My nutritionist has mentioned to me how full of fat ribs are. So, I'm going to work on a healthy meal plan for Memorial Day. Lean center cut pork chops should work as an even trade off. My mom already mentioned that she's making potato salad. Ugh! There's no substituting that. And there's no way I'm passing it over. But it won't be hard for me to fill up on fruits, salads and veggies.

Time to get started on my day. Have a great one everybody!
Hattie emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DEE0973
    Ms. Hattie
    I just saw your blog and I'm "struggling" as well and like Cannie stated is attributed to not being willing to be uncomfortable and making the necessary sacrifices to keep making the consistent improvements. Ms. Hattie, you will find what you need inside to finally make the changes best suited for you. Ok, so the scales isn't the best right now, but your blood results show steady improvement - celebrate those and work on the rest one meal at a time. God Bless You!!
    2183 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    Hi Hattie
    I just saw your heading "Struggles" -- and identified:) Don't let yourself get bogged down by numbers. Aside from 2 lb ups being temporary, it may also have to do with being weighed on different scales.

    Remember that you are embarking on this journey for your better health. Even if you are not losing weight, the focus on more nutritious food choices and becoming more active are positive and crucial improvements to the quality of your life. Perhaps, rather than looking to your scale to validate your efforts (and it's nothing but a measuring machine), record your efforts. Did you eat healthily 5 days out of 7? CHECK. Did you exercise, walk, ST at least 3 days this week? CHECK! Those efforts are the behaviours that will enrich your life. Not standing on the accursed scale (a tool of humiliation:)) And just aspiring to your weekly goals will be improving your health -- standing on the scales does nothing.

    As CANNIE50 has said (to paraphrase): Food has to be put in its place -- reduced to being the fuel that gets you through each day. It can be high quality or low quality ... but you will "run better" on high quality. To quote another Sparker: If hunger isn't the question, food isn't the answer".

    Best wishes to you on your journey to better health.
    2188 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Well, from one struggler to another, better to strugglers than quitters, right? I was reminding myself, just today, that I can eat whatever I want. I can eat whatever I feel like and then I will weigh more than I want to or need to, it is as simple as that. Just as when I was quitting smoking, "sneaking" cigarettes didn't work, and when I got sober, drinking was not an option, losing weight requires me to eat less than I want, less often than I want to, and different foods than I have taught myself to crave. If it is "business as usual" whenever I eat, it will be "business as usual" in terms of my weight (gain). The biggest thing for me, when I joined Spark and lost the initial 25-30 lbs, was that I FINALLY stopped seeking answers or solutions outside myself. I used to think if I could just find the right nutritionist, or personal trainer, or extra-supportive friends who wanted to walk through every weight loss step with me, or a husband who did not bring home tempting food, or kids who did not do things that stressed me out, or books that contained magical wisdom, or a support group with all the right answers etc etc etc, THEN I could finally lose weight and be free of the compulsions around food. Finally, it really truly hit me - no one else could do a d@mn thing FOR me, only I could change. Even God could not change me if I clung to my old ways, and kept treating food as primarily a source of pleasure rather than fuel. I accepted that I would have to be willing to be uncomfortable, and feel "deprived", and just get through my days with less food, and less "fun" food. As you well know, I still deal with this on a daily basis. This is something I brought on myself by choosing thousands upon thousands of times, not to be disciplined. That being said, I have made progress. I will never acheive perfection but no one does. People who don't struggle with food and weight. struggle in other areas. So, that is my experience Miss Hattie - take anything I have said that you may find at all useful, and apply it, and just leave the rest. Food has been the centerpiece of our days for too long, it needs to play a smaller role if ever we are to break free. emoticon
    2188 days ago
    Will say a prayer for you. I'm starting over today and just ran across your blog. You can do this! I lost 90 lbs a few years ago and just recently was made to stop exercising by my doctor and have noticed that some of my old habits of binge eating, emotional eating and addictive eating is creeping back in and the scale went back up 10 lbs. I'm at a weight I said I would never be at again, yet here I am. Making it up in my mind today to get control of this thing because right now it has control over me. We can do this....mind over body and emotions and food! Greater is HE that is in me (and you) than he that is in this world! Hope you have a blessed day!
    2189 days ago
  • CAROLZ1967
    My heart goes out to you. It's so sad to hear your struggling. I do recall suggesting to you way back, that it looked like you were sabotaging your weight loss efforts. I only said that b/c you give great details about your days, how you feel, what you eat, etc. At the time, you replied you did not think you were doing that, just said "you liked food" or something like that. I have always felt there were deeper emotions, struggles, pain, issues, etc that were inside you that you were not dealing with (& maybe denying existed) and they were affecting you in this way (sabotage!). I encourage you to truly analyze your life, your happiness and be totally honest how you feel about EVERYTHING going on (or not going on that you would like to happen). Rely dig for answers. It will take time and hard work and focus but you can do it. This spiritual path you want to pursue should help with my suggestion, if you are interested in it. They sort of go together. We can discuss via email more if you'd like. Just my thoughts and suggestions! I care so much about you and really want you to be happy and content in life....YOU deserve it! Remember that...YOU are important, YOU matter. And YOU deserve to be healthy too!!
    2189 days ago
    We're here for you clearing the home gym doesn't mean you got rid of it all does it? just cleaning it through? The pool sounds good though I am not a good swimmer, something happened when small can't remember what but silly as it sounds have a healthy respect for water and like to always be able to feel the solid floor of the pool beneath me! sad or what!!

    2189 days ago
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