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Every day, just a little bit.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I am ready to be at my goal. Every day I feel this way, and most days I even act that way.

In any case, I still struggle with weekends. This coming weekend I have a wedding to go to. It's in a state park so I plan to pack my sports bras and running sneakers. Cross your fingers for me. Last weekend I was sick. I went over by about 300 calories Sat & Sun, and I didn't do much in the way of exercise either. Mostly I regret not getting in all my freggies. I'm less focused on the weekend, but it IS getting better.

The FoH jeans I returned -- I decided to order them in a 28 instead of a 29. A little extra motivation for me to work hard at being good to myself. Plus, shipping seems to take forever, so that is extra wiggle room (pun intended) to actually fit into them by the time they get here.

I'm very grateful for all the support I received after my last blog. You know, my esteem is really tied to my appearance even though I KNOW that my appearance is not the same thing as WHO I AM. Part of my displeasure (and even disgust, if you will) comes from the fact that I have done this no less than 3 times over the years. The last time was when I first joined SP 4 years ago. I lost about 30 lbs, going from 169 to about 140. I was fairly fit, even though when I got my BF measured I was at 34.5% BF, which is high. But I was shapely and I felt strong. I have to wonder, after putting on 20 lbs and being fairly sedentary, what it is now... when I first joined my gym they let us know that we are entitled to an assessment, which included BF measurement. I didn't do it at the time, I was afraid to confront my own failings (as I saw it).

Before, when I had reached that "healthy" weight, I was so proud of myself. I told myself that I would never return to that former life, where I didn't take care of myself, where I was too big to fit in my clothes. But I DID return to that. I tried to make it better by saying to myself, "Well, you didn't gain ALL of it back." And that was true, I was -10 from my highest. But I have been so disappointed in myself. I am not the person that I wanted to be, the person I expected that I would be.

Part of the reluctance to start again, or even to get sparking again, is embarrassment. I failed, and I didn't want to admit that I did. I didn't want my spark friends to feel bad for me. I didn't want to be seen as a person that couldn't hack it. But the truth is, losing weight- at least at the onset- IS embarrassing. But it is also empowering. It is saying THIS IS A PROBLEM, but also THIS IS A PROBLEM THAT I CAN FIX.

So yes, I have some jiggles that I used to not have, but they are the same jiggles I used to have (etc). So yes, I have to deal with the lumps under my sweats while I run on the treadmill, or whatever other means of exercise I choose. There they are. And if I want them to relocate to ANYWHERE ELSE, then I have to suffer the [self-perceived] humiliation of (oh GAWD) exercising in public.

I'm doing it. I'm mad and sometimes yes I am sad and embarrassed and it depresses me to no end. But every day, I count those calories, and I don't order out for dinner, and I eat salads and frozen berry smoothies and I try different exercises and walk more. And I will get where I am going because I am not going to give up.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2521 days ago
    I loved reading this. I, too, lost quite a bit of weight a year ago and have gained a lot back. Not all of it though. I am 6.4 pounds away from my lowest weight today and I still feel like I failed since I have been there before and had I kept working at it/ I would be at my goal....
    Anyway, we learn from our mistakes right ? :)
    So This time is different. I know what not to do. It was a hard lesson to learn. I don't want to have to relearn it.
    I know you can do it!
    Keep going and never give up.

    2523 days ago
  • no profile photo GARBLEDEEGOOK
    I'm one of those who will give the finger before ever feeling embarrassed. Accepting where I'm at was key in the change of attitude, which is not to say I am wallowing in my condition, but, that I have come to the realization that something needs to be done, or else, that I have a plan which I tweak as I go (e.g. I'm temporarily on maintenance because of a set back instead of going back to old habits) and that I'm determined to see it through. So if someone else decides to jump to conclusion, I let them; if they confront me, scorn me or whatever, I flip them. Only I have all the data and unless I tell them how it is, they are speculating.

    You know what you have to do. There are ups and downs and everything in between, riding it all and keep our eyes on the prize is what we have to do.

    emoticon WE can do it!

    *arrrrrrrrrrrgh* ;)
    2523 days ago
  • JLITT62
    Oh, I totally get being embarrassed. Just hold onto how good you will feel when you are successful! Don't do anything that you can't see yourself doing for the rest of your life - because you don't get to change your habits when you're done - because you're never "done"!
    2523 days ago
    YOu are trying...thats what counts. To me all change starts with honesty and you are being that. Nothing gets accomplished with lying to self...after all you already know its a lie. You came back despite what you thought your SP friends would think, thats courage. You are exercising and eating right when you'd rather do other things, that takes committment. So lets see, you are honest, not a quitter, committed and courageous! You are doing better than alot of folks and you just now realized it.

    Nothing is impossible except in our mind most times so since you've overcome that hurdle, everything else is just a matter of time, will, and activity. FYI- we all have parts that wiggle and jiggle or we wouldn't be working out on SP so cut yourself some are a cutie pie on her way to being a extra hawt cutie pie in sequined size 28 jeans no less...that rocks in my opinion! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2524 days ago
    I love the honesty in this blog -- you've said all the things that every one of us here have thought at some time (or every moment of every day).

    Thank you for "saying" them out loud -- and for saying this:


    Because, you know, it is. You're a great example of that. I mean, I know it's a problem you've fixed multiple times, and you're not happy about that -- but it *is* proof that it's absolutely doable, and that's inspiration in and of itself.

    2524 days ago
    I love smoothies!!
    2524 days ago
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