Every day, just a little bit.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I am ready to be at my goal. Every day I feel this way, and most days I even act that way.
In any case, I still struggle with weekends. This coming weekend I have a wedding to go to. It's in a state park so I plan to pack my sports bras and running sneakers. Cross your fingers for me. Last weekend I was sick. I went over by about 300 calories Sat & Sun, and I didn't do much in the way of exercise either. Mostly I regret not getting in all my freggies. I'm less focused on the weekend, but it IS getting better.
The FoH jeans I returned -- I decided to order them in a 28 instead of a 29. A little extra motivation for me to work hard at being good to myself. Plus, shipping seems to take forever, so that is extra wiggle room (pun intended) to actually fit into them by the time they get here.
I'm very grateful for all the support I received after my last blog. You know, my esteem is really tied to my appearance even though I KNOW that my appearance is not the same thing as WHO I AM. Part of my displeasure (and even disgust, if you will) comes from the fact that I have done this no less than 3 times over the years. The last time was when I first joined SP 4 years ago. I lost about 30 lbs, going from 169 to about 140. I was fairly fit, even though when I got my BF measured I was at 34.5% BF, which is high. But I was shapely and I felt strong. I have to wonder, after putting on 20 lbs and being fairly sedentary, what it is now... when I first joined my gym they let us know that we are entitled to an assessment, which included BF measurement. I didn't do it at the time, I was afraid to confront my own failings (as I saw it).
Before, when I had reached that "healthy" weight, I was so proud of myself. I told myself that I would never return to that former life, where I didn't take care of myself, where I was too big to fit in my clothes. But I DID return to that. I tried to make it better by saying to myself, "Well, you didn't gain ALL of it back." And that was true, I was -10 from my highest. But I have been so disappointed in myself. I am not the person that I wanted to be, the person I expected that I would be.
Part of the reluctance to start again, or even to get sparking again, is embarrassment. I failed, and I didn't want to admit that I did. I didn't want my spark friends to feel bad for me. I didn't want to be seen as a person that couldn't hack it. But the truth is, losing weight- at least at the onset- IS embarrassing. But it is also empowering. It is saying THIS IS A PROBLEM, but also THIS IS A PROBLEM THAT I CAN FIX.
So yes, I have some jiggles that I used to not have, but they are the same jiggles I used to have (etc). So yes, I have to deal with the lumps under my sweats while I run on the treadmill, or whatever other means of exercise I choose. There they are. And if I want them to relocate to ANYWHERE ELSE, then I have to suffer the [self-perceived] humiliation of (oh GAWD) exercising in public.
I'm doing it. I'm mad and sometimes yes I am sad and embarrassed and it depresses me to no end. But every day, I count those calories, and I don't order out for dinner, and I eat salads and frozen berry smoothies and I try different exercises and walk more. And I will get where I am going because I am not going to give up.