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The Weekly Mile: Week 6 (The Week That Wasn't)

Monday, May 21, 2012

This week was pretty much a training failure. I got some pretty terrible news on Thursday that I'm trying to deal with, but the combination of being emotionally exhausted and a sudden 90 degree weekend meant that my desire to try the 14 mile distance yesterday was pretty much rendered out of the question.

Running is an amazing tool for working through all kinds of emotional angst. But there comes a point when sometimes the turmoil and grief of a situation is too much for even a nice, long run to handle. Add to the craziness the fact that Nikhil (my ex boyfriend of 3 weeks) is back in my life as moral support for the time being. And while I appreciate his attention and his concern, it's doing nothing to solidify the break-up, so the weekend was also full of us talking about possibly rekindling the relationship. I feel both like kicking puppies and like a puppy that's been kicked repeatedly at the same time. And now I'm freaking out that I'm not going to be ready to run my Half in another month - which I know is crazy, but my emotions are running wild right now and I'm having trouble controlling the negative thoughts even on the good days.

Reading the above paragraph actually makes me ANGRY. I'm all of a sudden one of those girls that I hate. Drama, drama, drama. Thinking about getting back together with an ex-boyfriend when I would be the first person to tell anyone else to leave what's done alone. My life has become a soap opera in the last couple of weeks and I'm not at all proud of it. I pride myself on my emotional stability. I pride myself on my hard-ass, tough-as-nails, suck-it-up-Princess, and live your life mentality. I deal with stress through getting organized and kicking butt, not losing it in an emotional heap on the floor. This is not me. And yet, I am having the worst time finding the strength to do it any differently. I am feeling broken and beaten down, and these emotions directly contradict the attitude needed to train hard for a 26.2 mile race. What am I going to do?

On the positive side of things, I know I will make it through this. Whatever ends up happening with Nikhil, I will embrace - because I have to. I have to do this for me. And surprisingly, the one thing that I have been pretty consistent with this week is my desire to stay on track with my eating and eating healthy. Despite a couple of small binges here and there, I have done remarkably well for a person who solves her emotional issues with a ton of food. I knew it was too early to celebrate a breaking of the plateau since even with a relatively good week, I was unable to hang on to the loss from last week. But I promised that I would be honest with the scale and record the good and the bad so that I can get a more accurate picture of what the plateau looks like over the long haul. Maybe if I can zero in on a 3-4 week pattern, I can work on attempting to break that the next time around. I am still here. Despite hold-ups and a big dose of LIFE, I am still determined to see to my goals. Today is a new day, this is a new week. And all I can do is give it my best through all of the issues.

I want to try something new this week. It's going to require dedicating more time to my long run, but I think it will be worth it. I'm psyching myself out about the 13.1 distance since I have now attempted to do it two weekends in a row and failed both weekends. I'm obviously shorting out in the mental department, and that's likely not to change for the next few weeks, so I need to figure out how to get my confidence and my positivity back on track and I think I can do that with walking portions of my runs. Like training for my first 5K, I'm going to attempt a 14-15 miler this week with a .5 mile walk every 2 miles. It will serve to bring my heart rate down, conserve my leg energy, give me ample opportunity to hydrate and fuel properly, and prove that I can absolutely do the distance (even if it takes a little longer), hopefully regardless of the temperature outside.

There are more than a few ways to skin a cat. And this kitten still has more than a few lives left. Back on the prowl, right now.

Week 6 Schedule (Completed):

Mon - Rest (work event)
Tue - 3 miles
Wed - Rest (work event)
Thu - 7 miles
Fri - Rest
Sat - 10 mile bike ride, 2 mile walk
Sun - Rest

Total Weekly Miles: 20 (with the 10 from last Sunday - I'm going to switch up my schedule this week to make Monday "Day 1" from now on)
Total Weekly Calories Burned: 3663
Weekly Weigh-In: 185.4

Week 7 Schedule:

Mon - Rest
Tue - 7 miles
Wed - Swim
Thu - 3 miles
Fri - Rest
Sat - 14 miles
Sun - Rest
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo SHELLYBABE2
    I always read your blogs, I don't always comment, but always find them inspiring and reassuring. Even though life is tough, and this life and spark journey is about the ups and downs and getting on and dealing with whatever life and the scales throw at us, you've shown me that we are all human and each of these moments whether sad, happy, successful, flagging etc they all pass and are just part of said journey. I love that you have come so far and have shared your struggles with us, you are human even though at first when I started reading your blogs you seemed super human to me to have come so far, to be so balanced to be getting it all right for what seemed like all of the time & to be honest I identified and even liked you more once you weren't quite so perfect.

    I just hate to think that you are classing yourself as having "failed" to be quite where you wanted to be right at this moment with your running and your life, you haven't (failed that is) it's just a wee set back & you will get back on track & I just wanted to tell you that you are such a success even if you aren't at goal or getting that long run in. I know it's how you feel right now & tbh I've learnt not to judge through my journey here. Like you I was always the one who with the stiff upper lip got on with things always had to be together and expected others to do the same until I fell apart and became "weak" or acted in the way that I would find I disliked with my "dramas" - I acted human with vulnerbility and that is all you are doing now. Life isn't always clean and clear.

    Whatever happens with your ex I wish you much happiness, I loved reading the unfolding of your romance, but only you know how it feels and what went on and you have to be the one who lives with your decisions so there's nothing wrong with figuring out whether your decisions are right or wrong. Whatever your bad news you will come through it you have no choice that's life but I hope it turns out ok for you without too much personal suffering/pain. :)

    I don't always word myself well, but wanted to be able to give you that virtual emoticon and whether it matters or not or whether all your comments are read or not, I support you and wish you well and wish that you weren't so hard on yourself! If you have one aim this week it should be to be as kind to yourself as you are to others and remember how far you have come because it's so easy to lose sight of that and how positive you are under the negative feelings - you are doing good girl and are more together than you think!

    Might as well tell you now since I've let my tongue run away with me lol and you're thinking oh weirdo alert lol but I've been so inspired by you, I've now taken up running - well it's probably more like jogging on the treadmill and am slowly, slowly building my distance up but that is major for me -the fat girl who never ran is now running.

    2460 days ago
    First off, you rock! I am still working on making my first mile jog! I am sorry that things are hard but you're tackling it like a champ. You can do it I am certain of it!
    2460 days ago
    I am always amazed by you, Jenn. By your honesty, by your strength. You are going through other things that life is throwing at you, but you are still keeping on with your goal to run a half and train for the marathon. Do you know how many people would just stop? Lots. If I looked up "perseverance" in the dictionary I am certain there is a picture of you. I know you will break the plateau, and I love your idea to walk some of the run to get the distance in so you mentally know you can do it. I can't wait to hear how you do! You've GOT this, girl!
    2460 days ago
    I know it is a rough feeling to usually feel in control and then feel like things are chaos suddenly! It is great that you are altering your plans to try to accommodate for life in general and be accepting of things not being as orderly as possible.
    2460 days ago
  • JTAYLOR2011
    One step at a time, one day at at time... you've got this! Looks like you've got a great plan to get 'er done.
    2461 days ago
    We can't all be tough all the time. Every once in a while we all need to lean on someone. Once you come to terms with the bad news and your grief you'll be your hard-ass self again. Over coming the obstacles along the way will make your success at the end that much sweeter.
    emoticon Hope life improves soon.
    2461 days ago
  • PJH2028
    Hey beautiful. I love the long-view that you are taking. Resonates with me! Creatures of pattern all... I too am looking for the rhythms so I can love myself over and through the hurdles -- the dramas life brings and also the ebb/flow of my diet/exercise/energy flows.

    I always thought of myself as being so tough. People relied on me. I prided myself on that. I don't feel at all tough anymore. Part of the body change... the availability of my spirit and electrical currents to the atmosphere. It's a different kind of strength now. People still comment on my stability, on my wisdom or what have you... and I feel more fragile in it.

    Let Love Shine Through
    and Keep those boundaries too.

    2461 days ago
    Big *hugs* for you. And everybody falls apart just a little bit now and again. I love that you're trying to revamp your mental take on the long distance so you can find a way to beat it. I still remember the day I beat my 5 mile mental was the BEST feeling in the world even though I doubted myself until about mile 4.5. :) Chase the high and adapt whatever mental attitude you need to survive and pull through.
    2461 days ago
    I hope that life gets better for you soon. It's hard when you have a breakup. I think it's even harder when the ex is still in your life. You know what you are doing, even with the emotions over-flowing. Just keep being honest with yourself and stick to your gut. HUGS girlie!
    2461 days ago
    Aw hon, I'm sorry life kicked you in butt. But you're right: you're a fighter and you'll get back in mental shape. And finish your half mara strong!
    2461 days ago
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