My painful history with food!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Ok here is the painful truth about my food pasts. It's a bit of a downer, and kinda depressing at first, but it has a happy ending! and will get better!

My food history:
Younger years:
When I was a kid I had the usual cereal for breakfast, bologna sandwiches for lunch, and what ever my mom made for us for dinner.
My parents got divorced.
My moms new husband (at first boy friend) was a good cook. But they were druggy's/ alcoholic's. They had a LOT of food rules! Nothing unless we asked, and then most of the time they got pissed when we asked with out being offered! But they were usually to busy to offer! And the step dad only cooked dinner, and back then they were so much into drugs that day's would go by before they would realize and actually feed us! Thank god for school lunches!
My brother and I once got into big trouble during the summer when a friend of mine's Mexican grandma gave us stuffed peppers, and we decided not to tell them, and they caught us eating them! "we aren't a charity case, blah, blah, blah!" Could of fooled me! They made us take them back, and tell them that! They were locked up in their room for day's that time.

Then there was my dad's house. He was bi polar, and also a druggy/alcoholic. So he like NEVER ate! (he was 6'7 and weighed 130-150 lbs!)But he was better at feeding us then my mom and step dad was! Ok he would give us money to go get him coffee and us donuts, or go to 7/11 for food. or we would go have pizza, or eat at wiener schnitzel, and sometimes Denny's. I don't remember having anything in the fridge, or him cooking much at all!

Some time between then, we did spend some time in a foster home, or my grandparents, or aunt and uncles house. There we did get some good square meals!
Then when I was 12 we moved permanently in with my mom and step dad. My dad had passed away. They weren't into drugs as much, but still drank a lot.

At home:
food got measured. We had to measure how much cereal, and milk we used. and they would check to make sure we didn't take more then we were supposed to. Not for our diet, but more to be frugal, because the less we eat/used the more $ they had for alcohol. (they used to make us go to town to buy 5 -15 cent candy's with food stamps, so they could use the change to buy it! and most of the time we would only get one piece and rest my mom hoarded away!) Again we couldn't ask for any extra cookies or snacks, or they would say no! and if we sneak any food (they counted and marked EVERYTHING) We would get hours long lectures, get sent to bed with out dinner, and sometimes the fights would get so big over food they we would get smacked for it! (they didn't realize that they were throwing away, or giving the dogs more food then what we were aloud to eat!)
Then there was dinner...................... My mom and step dad would of already been drinking all day, and most of them time dinner wasn't done till late. and a lot of times that would mean like 1-4 am sometimes! And then of course there was a good chance there was a fight, so either we were to upset to eat, or was sent to bed with out dinner!

At school:
we were on a food program for welfare kids. But in Jr high/ middle school, there was no cafeteria, just a puke wagon! So we had to bring lunches from home. I used to have my locker broke into and my lunch would get stolen, so a lot of times my friends would share their lunches with me.
Then in high school, still no cafeteria but it was an open campass, so we got free tickets to go eat at the elementary school. Talk about embarrassing! But then our friends found out they could buy tickets, so they would and would go with us.

But I was a vain high school teen, so I sometimes would skip breakfast, (some times give it to my brother so he could 2 x as much) so I could put on make up and do my hair. And a lot of times I didn't eat lunch.

Adult years:
Then when I got with my husband the first few months after my parents kicked me out (at 17)we had to stay with other people, and just eat what they offered. When we were first married (at 18) we ate a lot of mac and cheese and raemon! But the damage my mom and step dad did, had already took it toll on me. I wouldn't eat when my husband was at work out of fear that he had a plan for it, or it was his! So again I only ate dinner pretty much.

As things got more established, and the kids were born things got a bit better. Then my body wasn't used to eating. For years (even in high school) I couldn't hold down food before 12! (I was called into the school office a few times because girls heard me throwing up in the bath room! Plus there was rumor's I was pregnant because I had 'morning sickness!' or that I was bulimic!)
Then there was times in our marriage that times were tough and things were tight, that I would save the food for the kids. Then you add some meds for depression/anxiety so I couldn't keep food down, or I was to depressed to eat. (up till about 9 years ago)

So I have had eating issues most of my life!

My weight went up before I got married while staying with some people who had to fry everything. I did dabble a bit with bulimia for bit. Then after I had my first kid at 19 I had put on some weight. I talked to my Dr about it, and they put me on a low fat, low calorie diet. And told me my bigges issue was that I wasn't eating enough during the day to have any calories to burn, and my body was storing it's fat because of it. And that I was border line hypoglycemic because of it.
I did a pretty good job of losing weight back then! Then after the 2nd kid I was 21, and I had my tubes tied. I lost weight rapidly to the point that the Dr.s were worried ( was losing 5- 10 lbs a week!) I stopped losing once I got to 130 lbs. I was living in Az, so was always hot, plus the baby's were young so I was pretty active and walked a lot, and was working.

Then we moved back to Oregon. And that's when the weight became a real issue! I was about this high about 10 years ago.
I have never really tried any other diet other then low calories/low fat. Although one I did, and that was the pepper diet. You just eat some peppers (salsa worked too) before you eat, it helps 1 burn calories,(the spice is supposed to actually burn calories!) and 2 give you the vits you need and 3 you feel fuller. but I did live in Az, and worked at a bar that served Mexican food! So I was always eating fresh salsa (got I missed that salsa!) and peppers were always around! Plus I was working, and walking a lot!

I have done some diet pills. I did herbal life/lite and trim spa. back before they took ephedrine off the market. I did pretty good with those!

The present:

I have worked through all my mental issues and issues with my past. I am no longer on any Rx's. So I guess you can say now I am fat and happy! lol Although I am not happy about being fat! lol

The issues now is that we are not on food stamps, and have to be furgal with our $. and it's so hard to buy good food, that is good for you! We try to buy low fat foods and all that. But it's spendy to buy fresh fruit and veggies! I still save the food for the kids. I can't seem to make myself eat during the day. So I try to eat low fat dinners. I am hoping to get on the diet shakes, so I can have some calories during the day. As soon as we can afford it, and remember to buy them!

But till then I will do my best!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    well, don't get too addicted to the shakes. remember, they are a short-term solution.
    2188 days ago
    Thanks ladies! @ SHY_BUNNY I will try and eat breakfast when we can. The thing is the shakes is what I eat/drink when I have an upset stomache! lol I love the shakes, and what I drink when I want something sweet, or when my stomache is upset, or when I am sick ( I also give them to the kids when they are sick and can't keep anything down, or to sick to eat) because it has the vits, and nutrients that I need.
    I do plan on buying my fave cerial when we can, and stuff to make low fat ham sandwiches, when we go shopping next.

    @ ANIHAKA no it's not judgemental! It's the truth! People with addictions are selfish!

    We have tried to grow veggies before. We have the room, but we also have clay and deer! We are planning on trying to grow our own. But we don't have much luck with seeds, so we have to wait till we have $ to buy starts.
    2189 days ago
    Reading your blog I thought wow people can be so selfish. Now that's judgemental of me. I agree with the other person who replied to your blog to grow your own veg even a few lettuces and tomatoes in pots. It's great watching them grow. Unfortunately 4 me stress has made me turn to food for comfort so now I have so much weight to lose it's beyond a joke. Exercise is one of the biggest enablers for me of losing the weight. That & tracking my food on here.

    I really felt for you as a kid when I read your blog! Good luck to you! emoticon emoticon
    2190 days ago
    Thanks for sharIng your story. It takes a lot of courage to be so honest.

    First, I would suggest building your pantry slowly. Commit to trying a new recipe a week or every two weeks. Whatever your budget allows.

    Secondly, eating breakfast is really important! You have to tell your body that there's plenty of food & that it doesn't need to store what you eat as fat for those lean times. Our bodies, unfortuneately, are VERY Primative. If we fast, our body kicks into survival mode!! It starts to think, "OMG! There's not going to be any food for awhile. I better convert what I get as fat for energy later." we'll, that's the very simplified version.

    Think about what food makes you feel better when you have an upset stomach. Everyone has something they turn to. I usually eat crackers and ginger ale. You may like a slice of pizza or toast. Whatever it is ... Try eating what comforts you 30 minutes to an hour of waking up. Then, after you've developed the habit of eating breakfast, you can switch to something healthier and more robust.

    I would not go for the diet shakes. If you are not eating, try soups or sandwiches or something with substance. Make small , consistent choices and you will reach your goal.

    G emoticon

    PS you could try to grow some lettuce and bean sprouts are really
    Easy and nutritious. If you have space, growing your own veg is something to consider.
    2190 days ago
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