lying, cheating, boot camp humiliation (long story)
Sunday, May 20, 2012
But no, it's a good thing! Wait, read on...
My trainer, B, has this invite-only class. I helped him name it. Silly me. Anyway, due to some kid drama, I have to retool my schedule, so I am trying to get the ultra hard to get evening appointments with my trainer, B:
B, "well, if you're shifting to evenings, you should come to the boot camp class."
Me, laughing, "I don't think I'd make it through an hour of your training!" My current sessions are 1/2 hour and I'm pretty kicked at the end of them.
B, "Oh no, YOU I'm not worried about, you'll be fine."
So I accepted the invite, worried for DAYS I was going to punk out, get carried out, or that they'd have to bust out the defibrillator. Friday came, and he texted me, "hey, bring your [boxing gear], I'm going to take you aside for some focus mitt work."
I think I may have started trembling then. I mean boxing AND a killer workout, and only my second time boxing since my injuries healed? How would I ever make it? I told myself that I'd just have to stop being such a weirdo perfectionist and take BREAKS if I needed them. Tremble more b/c...breaks? During a workout? Is that even possible?!
Time comes: I strap on my HRM, yup, it works, pack kid up, go.
Class: Start jog/sprint intervals sans warmup, I ended up winded too early, and my HRM was beeping that I was over my limit within 10 min! In retrospect I should have done a warmup instead of chatting with the other people about how worried I was. Even a 5 min warmup would have gone a long way to help my death-rattle-sound breathing that I get from exercise-induced asthma. Then boxing: my HR kept spiking over 180 (I'm 49 next month, max supposedly 171), and I was gasping for air in what sounded like sobs. Caveat: I was doing heavy hitting with full gloves and wraps; the others had cardio gloves so couldn't hit too hard. When we were all doing bag work, my bag moved a LOT more than theirs. So was I working extra hard? Maybe, maybe not, but I know I was breathing embarrassingly hard and loud, and they were merely panting. Point? I worse myself OUT.
The Humiliation (disappointment in myself, not worried about how it looked):
- I had to skip like 4 sets (not consecutive) of walking lunges in between boxing sets b/c I. could. not. breathe.
- I got super winded (like raspy gaspy sucking air style) during the 15 minute jog/sprint portion because I have put on about 16 lbs from my recent smallest which I'd gotten used to.
- (this one isn't for the faint of heart) I could feel every bit of myself jiggle with every single step when we starting doing jumping things over aerobic steps. This would not be that bad if I hadn't fairly recently (like in the last year) had no discernible (to me) jiggle. I know others could see it, but it was rare I could feel it.
- I also got winded b/c none of my high-impact bras fit anymore b/c of said extra weight. Tight bra = lung expansion limits = gasp gasp gasp.
- I was the only one in class with a belly roll
- During full minute and 2-minute yoga holds (of evil things like V-sits), I noticed how dimply my legs have gotten.
HOWEVER IT WAS GOOD - VERY VERY VERY GOOD FOR ME
And not just b/c of the workout which, by the way, I made it to the end. It was good because the humiliation has stuck with me. It's making me stick to better eating. I've grocery shopped 2x since then and didn't buy one item of cr@p food (this is rare).
It was good for me b/c I'd been _lying_ to myself that I was still healthy.
I'd been _cheating_ my cardio workouts down to 10 minutes OR LESS, and only doing half-@ssed low-impact barely kicking up the heart rate type cardio. I need to exercise nearly every day.
I'd been SERIOUSLY cheating on the binge promises I'd made to myself.
I'd let myself become this excuse-making slug who sits around and reads because "I deserve a break." My life is hectic, to be sure. I DO deserve breaks. But they don't all need to be sedentary breaks!
So I'm sick of the lying, cheating, humiliating person I'd become, and I'm breaking up with her! Sending her on her way. Buh bye. Uh huh, yep, go. Make way for the girl who can breathe through boot camp class, cause she's comin' to kick yer @ss! (my @ss).
Humiliation can be a good thing. I'm currently loving it. And the day I no longer suck loud wind at boot camp, you can bet I'm blogging about it!