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The jerks that live in my head...

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I'm sad. I'm fat. I'm in Cincinnati.

I'm so heavy. In body and spirit.

I am so sick of being FAT! Yet I am also sick of trying so freaking hard to change my body, size, shape, weight, habits, mind.

I want a do-over. I want to go back in time and LOVE the girl I was. That girl was thin. That girl was beautiful. That girl had no idea.

This girl (woman) aches for that girl because she thought she was fat. She thought she was undesirable. She thought television was the the only way a girl was measured. That sickeningly skinny was the right way to exist.

This girl is beginning to realize that she hasn't been living the words she has told her daughter time and time again. "You are beautiful, just the way you are. Women come in all shapes and sizes and that is a very good thing."

I can say those words. I can think they are true: For others. They somehow do not apply to me. I am the only woman ugly for her size.

Does the battle ever really end? Will I ever be happy, satisfied, content, proud? Will I ever have a day when I feel great and do not even think for one second about food, exercise, appearance?

I could write a book about healthy living. I "get" what I am supposed to do. I even do it. For a while...

The inner demons never seem to stop. There is always a new voice popping in to speak mean words, to entice me to the dark side, to paralyze me. There seems to be an infinite supply of evil in my brain.

I kick the voices out. I swear. But they are crafty and they sneak back in. They lie in wait. Sneaky little opportunists. I hate them!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    We all fight those words and sometimes they win, sometimes they lose - sounds like today they lost and you won for being brave.
    2222 days ago
    It really is the battle of the bulge. One can not take care of anyone unless one takes care of themselves first. Great advice by JLitt62.

    Weight loss is a long journey. Enjoying the journey makes it easier for me. No guilt just lessons learned. No overeating just unplanned eating. Logging my food daily really helps me.

    No one can make you ugly, however, you will feel better and be healthier if you jump back onto the journey wagon.

    2223 days ago
  • JLITT62
    It IS hard & it never really gets easier. But you FEEL so much better when you do tbe hard work, I promise.

    And yes, it all starts with loving yourself - loving yourself enough so that you're willing to work hard because you realize that you're worth it - just the way you are.
    2223 days ago
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