Shy sucks! (confessions of a reforming emotional eater)

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I have always thought of myself as a shy person, but I keep having people tell me they can't believe it. This is an example of why I say that about myself...

I sing in a wonderful, friendly, inclusive, LGBTS chorale group. I love it, and I've had lots of friendly interactions with my fellow singers during rehearsals. Today was the final concert of our Spring season, with a "cast" party afterwards. It was set up at a cute, fun 50's style diner that serves typical diner food...greasy burgers, awesome milkshakes, cheese fries, that sort of thing. I'd decided before the concert that I'd order a diet coke with a shot of vanilla syrup in it. Yum! and not a terribly unhealthy choice. I was feeling proud of myself for that decision, and happy about a couple of really good concerts with the group.

After the show, as things are being torn down and cleaned up, people are milling around talking and laughing and introducing friends and family to people. I'm wandering around by myself, not talking to anyone, no friends or family there for this one personally. And I start thinking about the after party...Should I go? What if I go and am the first one there and no one sits with me? What if I go and lots of people are already there? Where do I sit? What do I talk about? All of a sudden I'm feeling about 13 again, shy and awkward and unliked, my company not sought out by anyone, everyone else seems comfortable and happy and socializing quite easily.

I get in the car, sit there a while thinking about it, check my phone about 10 times to see if I have any texts, and decide that I'll drive past the party and see if anyone is there. Maybe I'll sit in the parking lot and see who shows up. As it turns out, I drive right on past it, choosing to go for the safety of home and the family that waits for me there tonight. But on the way home, I keep having thoughts of food. (I truly am hungry. It's rare that I eat well on a concert day.) Maybe I'll hit a drive through and get a cheeseburger combo. Maybe I'll stop at the grocery store and pick up a box of cookies. There's a great ice cream shop. Maybe I'll pull in and pick something up to take home with me. Maybe it's a good night to order pizza. On and on it goes.

The thing is, underneath it all, I feel tears welling up. More than once I thought about turning around and going back to the party that I really do wish I could go to and have fun at. That vanilla diet coke sounds really good. But no. Home I go, trying not to cry, because that really Would make me feel 13, and pitiful. But what I really want is to be welcome among a group of likeminded friends, who would smile and invite me to join them for fun conversation. But of course that isn't going to happen. Because it never Has happened, so they don't know me well enough to do that. So I'm trapped, and I'm hungry. For a lot more than food.
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  • MSBLT82
    That sounded exactly like something I would have done. In fact I give you mucho credito if you didn't give in to the pizza/cookies/ice cream siren song. I am sorry you missed out on the party and hope the concert at least was socially and musically enjoyable.
    2194 days ago
    There was this occasion last week where I felt I might be a little out of my depth but my co-workers (my family really) were there. After the group had the bar experience & came in to eat, we had a great time. I even had a few people converse with me that were not my co-workers. I even had a few hugs from people too. It was a really good time & I was glad I went cause I almost didn't go & I really don't care for Italian food but I enjoyed it. So sometimes we just have to go & do it afraid....

    God bless & enjoy everyday!

    2195 days ago
    I hear you! I am shy when it comes to meeting new people and starting up friendships I often meet friends threw other friends but rarely feel i have the skills or confidence to seek them out myself. I know I'm likable but i often feel more comfortable on the outskirts looking in then right in the action.... something I've termed sofa syndrome because I used to feel most comfortable standing by the door at my boyfriends house behind the sofa. If these are people you have worked with before I think that they would include you. Be brave and next time the opritunity shows up take it. There's nothing to lose and only positive things to gain. If your still worried about reaching out socially try to do it in small steps. Try walking on a public rail trail or in a park every time you pass some one say hello to them. Most of them will say hello back and its a way to break into talking to people you might not know....Plus you would be getting in a workout at the same time.
    2195 days ago
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