I'm coming out.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Well, I just got back from a secular recovery group meeting. While I already knew what kind of addiction I deal with (compulsive overeating), this meeting left me feeling SO hopeful and SO clear-headed.
I'm not here to proselytize or preach, but I've definitely found a solution -- and that's to believe in MYSELF. To have faith that I KNOW what the answer is and that I'm NO LONGER POWERLESS.
For over a year, I went to OA meetings and told myself that I didn't have it in me to handle my food issues. That I was just in denial if I thought I could deal with the addiction all on my own. That recovery (real recovery) requires surrender to God -- even if I don't believe in one (or at least struggle with what that means). That I'm not strong enough. That I have to follow the steps and completely abstain and say the right words and go to meetings FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, IF I WANT TO RECOVER.
Well, I don't believe that anymore.
Here's what I DO believe. Here's what I DO know:
- I can rationalize my way through anything. I can make excuses till the end of time. But in the end, I want moderation and healthful, meaningful living. I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO AIM FOR THAT.
- I am strong enough. Dammit - I'm intelligent and insightful and when I'm empowered, I'm a force of f*cking nature. I'm so sick and SO tired of people telling me I'm powerless. That's just making it worse.
- I also know that the program can work for other people. And if they're happy - that's awesome. But I'm not going to put myself through it anymore. I'm grateful for where OA got me - it's made me stronger and more determined. But I've outgrown it.
It's time to grab the reins and take control. Because I can do it. I'm relying on myself, because you know what? Rachel knows what the hell she's doing. She's always known. This time? The only thing getting in the way is negative self-talk. F*ck that noise.
I want to get healthy, and that's what's going to happen.