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The Melancholy Motivator

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I skipped my race on Sunday morning. I wish I had a good excuse. I was sick, Keira was sick, blah blah. But the truth is, I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to sleep in and take a long bath. As someone told me on Facebook when I revealed it "No bueno. Bad excuse." (Which I was like, yeah, true, but I was confessing it to you... I know that! That really isn't the kind of feedback I was hoping for, but ah well. I know people expect me to be their dose of inspiration for the day, but I'm a real person who experiences setbacks as well as success.)

I got new running shoes, but I haven't broken them in yet. Just from the last week of less exercise and lax eating, I feel my rings getting tighter, feeling more fatigued. I did go back to kickboxing last Thursday. I hoped to be reignited. The instructor showed up 10 minutes late, started futzing with some music that kept stopping in the middle, and then switched to a godawful 80s CD finally. So it wasn't the most inspiring session.

I'm going back tonight and hopefully it'll be a new instructor. I've also decided to do a photo blog of my food this week to keep myself accountable regarding portion size and choices. My good friend Tori (PAPER_WINGS18) wrote a fabulous list of the reasons why she's doing this despite it taking a long long long long time. (For anyone on SparkPeople for the quick fix and the happy stories, I'll save you the heartbreak... the quick fix doesn't exist and you don't know the full stories. Many an amazing motivator's weight has crept up and she's left the site because she's afraid of admitting it.)

But I'm admitting it.

From June 2009 to November 2010, I lost 110 lbs. I gained about 15 during the winter and holiday season, and despite trying my best not to, I gained another 50 during pregnancy. I'm not back at square one, and yes, pregnancy (unlike my race one) is a better excuse, but sh*t if it doesn't feel like I'm back at square one in so many ways.

But as embarrassed as I am to still be 40 lbs heavier than I was in 2010, I'm still here. I hate going through this again, and I know it's never going to end, this struggle with food and how it immediately causes me to gain weight unless I exercise my ass off. But I'm admitting it to you. I'm not vanishing.

Why, well, a few reasons...

emoticonI have a back rack in my closet full of "skinny" clothes that I slipped on with glee in autumn 2010 and taunts me now. I want to wear them.

emoticonTwo summers ago, I was able to wear a bikini. I won't be there this year, but I want to do it again!

emoticonMy daughter looks strikingly like me. More than I imagined she could. And it scares the sh*t out of me that she will share my struggles with food and obesity. I need to set a good example. I need not to be the nagging mother who makes food more important than it is by restricting it. But I also need to show her that supper doesn't need to be followed by something sweet every single night.

emoticonI want to continue to have excellent health. Thankfully, despite the extra weight, I'm still incredibly healthy. I don't want that to change.

emoticonI want that feeling of success knowing I've run as fast as possible at the end of a race. Maybe I didn't go on Sunday because I knew I wouldn't get that payoff at the finish line. I crave it. And I knew after a week of not running, I wasn't going to achieve that.

emoticonI want to feel sexy again. Because despite my new role, there were three blissful months of my life where I felt sexy and on top of everything (literally and figuratively) and I want that back). I have a bag full of lingerie that used to fit, and I want to wear it again without having that fat roll pop out over the top of my undies.

emoticonI want to ache after a good workout again.

emoticonI need that confidence back. I'm sick of wearing black. I'm sick of wearing yoga pants every effin' day.

emoticonThere was a wonderful period when people didn't look at me as the fat girl and I want that back so badly I can taste it. It tastes way better than the crap I've been eating and drinking.

emoticonI want to stop feeling guilty that I've done it before and know how. I need to be stricter in order to make those results happen.

emoticonI want to prove those bitches wrong who think I'm keeping this baby weight on for life. And I KNOW who they are.

So, stay tuned for some food blogs and hopefully some more positive thinking in the future.

I'm not 5 months old, so not everything I see has to go in my mouth.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm glad you are on here blogging about everything!! That's a huge accomplishment you should be proud of yourself for!!! Yay!! I know it's difficult when it's hard to get on track and it's so much easier to daydream about when it was easier - especially for us lifetime weight strugglers, but NOT giving up, NOT hiding, NOT running away are so very important.

    Life happens and our weight fluctuates. It sucks. I'm with you. I'm just starting over after having been very successful on SPark back in 2009-2010 as well. I lost 50lbs and was feeling the best I've felt in a long time (huge accomplishment for me coz I've got a million health issues). It's gone now, some of the weight is back and that feeling feels like it's a dream. It just sucks.

    I'm trying to start small and get back in the mindset I had at the time. One of the things I noticed about your goal points, is almost each one has a negative side to it. I find when I'm coming down on myself too hard, I don't find the motivation. I don't know if this is true for you, but I go with the old saying "catch more flies with honey than vinegar". Some people do well with the drill sergeant mentality, but it doesn't help me. I think the inspiration of all those things, just the good stuff, might be more motivating. You want to wear all those clothes, the sexy lingerie, being an inspiration to your daughter, etc... All of those are excellent goals to work for and achieve!!

    You can do it!! Take it easy on yourself, but keep putting one foot in front of the other. If anything, forgive yourself for gaining SOME of the weight back - it's okay!!! Maybe once you truly accept this, you can move forward. Best of luck sweetie!

    2220 days ago
    I so feel you on many of those points. I remember when I dropped pounds w/ SP and how awesome it was... then work chaos hit and I weight more than ever. I've hit that point this weekend again where I'm ready to cut the crap and do it. Yes, it feels like starting over, but it should be easier this time because I know what to do - and I know what works. I know you do as well and you can, too! Let's do it!!
    2221 days ago
    Great blog! And I love the photo! It's tough when you are a Mom to balance everything but you will get back to where you want tobe weight-wise!
    2223 days ago
    Love this blog! I think sometimes it takes a while to get back to a good routine and get that fire going again. Setbacks are definitely a natural part of this whole process.

    I can totally relate, I gained WAY too much weight when I was pregnant and have a long way just to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

    Sometimes you have to forget about negativity coming from other people and just focus on yourself (easier said then done, I know). I have gotten comments from close people that I won't be able to lose the weight. I will prove them wrong.

    2224 days ago
    First of all, your daughter is gorgeous!! I LOVE BABIES!!! It's just that they grow up too soon! Anyway, I don't know how to encourage you on your journey, except to say that I am proud of you. I was in your shoes when 16 years ago when my oldest was a baby. I wasn't anywhere near where you are, didn't know myself, didn't think about myself and anything that I wanted or needed...I wound up with three other children. They are all a huge blessing to me and I love them more than life itself, but it's taken me this long to think about what is best for my health. So, as frustrating as it is to have that extra 40 lbs, you are so ahead of the game mentallly. I wish I could go back and tell my 25 year old self (heck, even 35 year old self!) that I AM WORTH THE EXTRA TIME AND ENERGY TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. You are already there!!!
    2224 days ago
    I just have to say this. . . .

    thank you.
    oh so truly.

    Because I am feeling ALL of that. Every single thing. We had our babies on the same day, but lady - you are way ahead of me here!
    I've been letting the excuses pile up and then I hid behind them. . .
    But I'm not satisfied with all my excuses!
    I've been feeling so horrible about myself and my lack of dedication, and I miss how I felt right before I got pregnant.
    But hey, I did it once before, I can do it again. I WILL.

    You will too. :)

    2225 days ago
  • KITKA82
    I'm glad you're still here and that you didn't leave! You can do this and we are here for you! I didn't start losing weight until my youngest was well over 2 years old.

    Forget about the scale. You are a beautiful and EXCELLENT mother and you will teach your daughter healthy living habits that will last her a lifetime. She will not go through the same things you did. Even though we get lax sometimes, we have learned good habits that will never really go away.

    She will look at you like my daughter looks at me and says:
    "I want to exercise so I can be strong and healthy."
    "I want to run like mommy."
    "I like yoga."
    "Mommy look at my muscles."
    "Does this [food] have protein?"
    2225 days ago
    Love it! Great way to close your blog, such a cutie!
    2225 days ago
    Losing the p weight is tough but I know you will do it. Your baby is beautiful and she'll grow up with a healthy attitude about food because you have informed yourself and are continuing to make good choices.
    2225 days ago
    You are not a motivator because you are perfect. You are one because you are you and everyone likes YOU not what you atenor didn't eat. Your baby is adorable! I think its OK to skip a workout. I mean, holy crap, this is LIFE and its gonna come up so betimes. Give yourself a break. And please, stay.
    2225 days ago
    I like the end, that was cute. Very striking blog. Good luck!
    2225 days ago
  • ROCKMAN6797
    Such a precious photo!
    I love the positive affirmations!
    You did this once and you will do it again!

    2225 days ago
    Loved the blog and the list. We don't always have up days (or weeks) and it's wrong to always be the cheer leader. Sometimes you will need the support and that is what is so great about SP. The other part is that just being here holds you accountable. It might be uncomfortable...like the larger clothes are but it might just motivate you to do something about it.
    2225 days ago
    You got this my friend, we are here for you and support you all the way. You are not alone in this, you know don't ya ! And well, my opinion also you had a baby barely 5 months ago your body and everything else has to adjust. You will be a Healthy, Hawt Maman !!!! emoticon
    2226 days ago
    What a cutie....you have a plan and goals. You can do it!!
    2226 days ago
    First of all, your baby is so gorgeous!!! Since I've been hiding out (away from SP), this is only the 2nd photo I've seen of her. Just precious!!!

    And, I'm one of those 'motivators' who started putting the weight back on... and hiding from SP. I guess I was partly doing it because I didn't want to feel like a failure. I also didn't want to make others doubt their own success. And, part of the reason I WAS struggling is because I was away from Sp! the tracking...the friends...the motivation!

    So, I've gained back 9.5 of the 29 pounds I lost. I can still wear most of my 8's, though I should be wearing 10's. And, I just feel cruddy when I look at myself.

    I, too, want back that feeling!!! And, I want to compete again! To race! To ride! To feel victorious!!!

    Let's stick with this journey. There is no finish line, though I thought I'd reached it when I met my 'goal weight'. And, yes, we have to do this for our daughter's sake, too! They need to see their moms living a healthy livestyle! And, not obsessing about weight, too! And they need moms who can be active with them! And be around for them!

    So, let's get on track. Let's do what we know how to do! And, let's live the life we can live.

    2226 days ago
    You've got this! You have great points laid out!
    Note to self.. as your baby grows, so will you grow back into your fitness, endurance, energy and slimmer self!
    One reason! You will have to keep up with a toddler all too soon and so on and so forth for years to come! They don't slow down, so neither will you!

    Just remember to relax when you need to and Have Fun!!

    2226 days ago
    You have a great list of reasons to do this, Kristina. Yes, it's hard work, and we'll be at it for the rest of our lives; the reality is that there's no being 'done' with working out and watching what we eat if we want to get the weight off and keep it off. One of the things I appreciate so much about you is that you're honest about where you are and what's going on, which helps others do the same. You can and WILL do this; I know it!
    2226 days ago
    I think a lot of people can relate to where you're at now - and while it totally sucks - you have all the tools and skills needed to do it again. It prob won't be any easier, but it will feel just as good. emoticon You're an inspiration!
    2226 days ago
    Girl, you got this. Whatever you need, do not hesitate to ask!!!! You will achieve all of that and MORE!!
    2226 days ago
    You have always been and continue to be an inspiration. There's a reason why this is a journey -- no matter how successful you are on it there's no final destination. You're doing an awesome job and I hope I'm able to stay that with it when I have a baby. emoticon
    2226 days ago
    You did it once, you can do it again. emoticon
    2226 days ago
    I HEAR you! I'm up about 12 pounds myself, and had a goal of being down a heck of a lot more than that by now, but we do what we can with what we are given.

    Yes, it does take a long, long time, and well, truthfully, forever, I guess - that whole lifelong journey/struggle/challenge thing. But the good thing is, we don't have to do it all alone. We have great resources in each other, and that's what I know I need to lean on.

    Thanks for sharing and know I'm in your corner!

    PS She has your GORGEOUS eyes!
    2226 days ago
    2226 days ago
  • BOOTS1221
    GIRRRRL you are amazing, and I'm not just saying that. I consider you a friend now and I think so highly of you! You can do this. You are so real and I love that you have the cojones to admit that things aren't always perfect in sparkly motivator land! I can't wait to see your food blogs, I love seeing people's meals to get new ideas. I hope kickboxing is better this week, kick @ss girl! xoxox
    2226 days ago
  • FREES1
    first of all what a beautiful photo of Keira!!!

    it can be tough to get going, especially if the mind isn't there yet... if it helps I am sharing that struggle with you - i am going on a 12 day walking tour and keep telling myself all the things i want, need and have to do to help be as ready as I can and yet the butt and the couch stay as one...

    admitting it is step 1 so congrats... you are being honest with yourself! and that gives you power...

    don't beat up on yourself for skipping the race - sometimes that is the best option because when we do things out of a sense of committment when our mojo isn't right things can end up worse than if we'd opted to pass - so its a good thing..

    keep the faith - you'll get it back...
    2226 days ago
    I'm so glad you didn't leave us. and I hope that we can be here for you in as much as you are for us!!

    2226 days ago
    I know, I know. It's a rollercoaster and we have to hang on for dear life! You finally find the answer and then the question changes.

    This website, despite its flaws, is always here for us. Even when I'm not doing so well, I'm still waaaaay ahead of where I was 3 years ago. As a matter of fact, I've been revisiting where I was 3 years ago to get a better idea of where I was when I began. There's some good things there to use as I rebuild.

    Good for you for posting this! We're all on the same rollercoaster! HANG ON!!

    emoticon (OK, wrong emoticon, but picture yourself on the rollercoaster with your arms in the air!!) emoticon
    2226 days ago
    What a gorgeous picture: she is just so cute!!

    You have great spirit and motivation: you will reach your goals for sure!! emoticon
    2226 days ago
    First and most importantly....OMG she's SOOOO CUTE!!! And that body you are mad at...well give it a break, it made that beautiful girl!

    Secondly, if it took nine months to gaiin your pregnancy weight, give yourself at LEAST that long to take it back off! Go easy on yourself!!!

    You will get there.

    Happy running!

    Tina emoticon
    2226 days ago
    I just love you so much Kristina! :) I am really proud of you for writing this blog, and for always being so damn encouraging, even when we both feel like giant poop sticks. (Not sure what a poop stick is, but...yeah.)

    You are NOT a failure for gaining some weight back. You are NOT a failure for skipping ONE(!!!) race! You are amazing and beautiful and hardworking and you have come SUCH a long way since you started this journey! I know I've said this before, but SO MANY women let motherhood/pregnancy get in their way of treating themselves healthy and how they deserve to be treated since they are now taking care of a little one too, but you seriously got right back to running and making smart choices almost immediately after Keira! That is TOUGH to do!! And you are doing this with minimal sleep, ya know?

    This is such a great list too. I found myself goign "yep... uh huh.. me too!" to just about all of them. (Aside from the bikini thing b/c I've never in my life worn one!) I have no doub that we can both conquer this and just do it and say F it, I'm doing it! We just have to remind ourselves that it's one day at a time, and one meal at a time. And one work out at a time! And we can't beat ourselves up if we goof up a little. We are only human.

    Thanks for being so amazing! And I can't wait to read your food blogs! woot woot!

    2226 days ago
    You are motivating to me through the good and bad girl. I've been having a horrid couple of weeks. The emotion of a breakup is just socking me in every way and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, let alone eat healthy or exercise. I would have skipped the race too, likely. I've been skipping zumba. But I'm not going to let it beat me. And neither are you. You've got a great plan - just tackle it head on and do the best you can. That's all anyone expects of you.
    2226 days ago
    First off, i just want to snuggle that adorable baby! What a beautiful little girl she is. :)

    I think I hold the record for most weight gained back! I wasn't even pregnant and I gained 60 pounds from my lowest. I remember writing a blog and whining when I had gained the first 10 back. I had no clue then what was in store for me. I slowly just stopped coming here. Stopped facing reality. I didn't want to let people down. That was soooo wrong of me. You have not stopped coming here. That is so monumental. I think that by owning up to our weaknesses, we are empowered by them. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge and for most people, it's just easier to pretend it doesn't exist. At least it was for me.

    Life is different for you now than it was when you wore your skinny clothes. You have a few more time constraints, a few more obligations, but on top of that, you have a few awesome new reasons to continue on your journey. As a mom, I love the idea that my kids are watching me start to take control of my health. They are such sponges, even if they don't mention what they see me doing, they notice. They see me getting up in the morning to go run, they watch me doing push ups. They enjoy the time I spend chasing them now. Getting back on track is one of the greatest gifts I can give to them, as well as a great role model for them to follow.

    I think you are doing great. So you missed the race on Sunday...it was Mother's Day. There will be more races. You will nail the next one. I have been comparing my running speeds to when I used to run at my skinniest. It's kind of depressing especially considering that I didn't run very fast then, and now I run even slower. To me, it's more important that I'm doing it. Screw the timer. I'm doing it and that's all that matters. I'm doing it even when I don't "feel" like doing it. If I wait for something to motivate me, I will probably never get it done. My motivation usually comes in after the fact when I'm patting myself on the back for just getting it done, no matter how ugly and slow it is.

    Hang in there chica, we've got your back. Just keep on trying. Fall down 9 times get up 10.
    2226 days ago
    So honest, so true! Love your realism Kristina. You are going to do this, again! I''ve crept up 12# this year and am struggling to get it back off despite working out hard and eating mostly well (I know it is the food, but honestly all my co-workers talk about how healthy I eat and I think, well, why isn't it working - I know I eat too much crap!) Your daughter is a beauty - congrats!
    2226 days ago
    You sound like one motivated mommy and I know you will get there!


    p.s. Such an adorable picture!
    2226 days ago

    Please do not feel guilty - life happens. You are NOT back at square one because you have a wonderful set of tools to get you where you want to be now. Yes, it is still a learning process - no matter how old we are or what our weight is, we are ALL still learning and evolving. But you are so much more knowledgeable than you were when you started this journey, so you have a big headstart in getting to your goal.

    Don't worry about skipping your race. I almost skipped my race on Saturday because there is a woman who is a 'frenemy" to me and I KNEW she would beat me and I KNEW she would be a sore winner and gloat about it to me.... but then I said to myself, "who cares, if I skip the race then she wins" and I ran it and she beat me and it was hard but I did it anyway. So my point is - use your feelings about skipping the race to DO IT next time - anything you do (or don't do) is useful and worthy if you take a lesson away from it.

    2226 days ago
  • _TRIXIE_
    Good lord, that little girl of yours is so stinkin' cute!

    Let me know if I can do anything to help. I'll share my daily food intake with you and we can swap workouts. Or I can just listen. Whatever you need.

    2226 days ago
    I'm putting your last line on my refrigerator!!!
    2226 days ago
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