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Just to get it out

Monday, May 14, 2012

fair warning -- this blog has to do with Thom.

"for my dear, powerful wife..." That's how a recent FB link (to an article that really is relevant to her) started. Like being hit with a sledgehammer. The same one that wants to pound back with "oh, you mean the wife who isn't sure she wants you in her life?... the one that isn't sure she wants to live with you or be with you or even loves you anymore?... the one who I think is using you like a security blanket that she intends to discard when she'd finished? That dear wife?"

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My next counseling session is coming up (yay I get to keep going!!) and my homework last time was "what things have I not shared with Thom... out of love, or out of respect for their relationship". all those things I nver said. it's a wide range of things -- from all the whys and hows of choosing that relationship (including being miserable) over me and waht he even said would be happy... to how isolated I've felt... to how I miss the kids (I wasn't a good mom I know that, but I was still in their lives for 6 years and not once was it ever even considered that I might want to still see them)... to how I feel discarded, a plaything... to all the questions I would love to ask, but am petrified of the answers (do you miss me, do you ever think of us, etc.)... to my regrets -- that I never changed my name, that there was no legal entanglement to which untangling might actually make me feel ... I dunno... valid, some sense of closure maybe, like I couldn't just be discarded but at least I'd have to be dealt with, not just ignored.

I just can't help but think... FEEL... that this isn't how it ends. Judy told me last time that I'm like a big open walking wound... and that's how it feels. I'm still going through the motions, but not really here because it hurts SO much. I'm still crying a lot. A dear friend had to put down her son's pony this weekend and I was there to help (thankfully). But being there in this situation brought up a lot of old memories of when I put char down. Thom was barely in my life at that point, but it was the last time I went through this kind of pain.

I have plenty to do to keep my mind busy. It's my heart that is getting in the way... screaming for attention. I try to lock it away until it can play nice, but it's a tricky little bugger.

i know I don't deserve to be treated this way. I know it. I also know that Thom and I were happy together. it's coming to terms with everything that I'm failing miserably with. If we hadn't been happy... it would make sense. If he'd treated me badly when we were together... it would make sense.

There are questions I want to ask, or statements I want to make... that pop into my head... but sometimes I can't help but wonder "why should I say that? it isn't going to make me feel better... and would only hurt him." things like "how do you choose which vows to uphold and which to just toss aside without a further thought?" because he made vows to both of us but the ONLY vows he seems to have an interest in keeping are theirs. "how in the life of the new and improved who is trying to make amends for past wrong-doings, does all the hurt I've gone through in the past year fit into those plans? Or am I just out of luck because... I wasn't there first?" See... what good, other than INFLICTING pain, is saying anything like that? some may think it's freeing, but seeing pain that you inflicted in the eyes of someone you love... it's the worst feeling in the world. So by trying to hurt him, I'd be hurting even more.

I still hate being alone at the farm. I still don't get it... any of it. I made vows that I intended to keep forever to someone who asked me to love him forever... to the love of my life, to my husband. I still don't know how to just walk away from that. I still don't think ... don't FEEL like our story is done... but other than hope, what do I have? What can I hold on to that isn't going to drive me crazy.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I so agree with everything that Heidi posted, and I can't improve on how she wrote it, so I won't even try. Suffice it to say that I hate to see you in pain like this, and I am so glad that you are able to keep seeing Judy. I hope she is able to help you relieve some of the pain.

    2202 days ago
    Sorry for the double post
    2203 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/14/2012 2:22:58 PM
    I'm sorry you are still hurting this bad Tammy.

    But I completely disagree with something you said:

    "See... what good, other than INFLICTING pain, is saying anything like that? "

    Look, Thom is obviously oblivious to how you're feeling.

    I don't think that you telling him how you are feeling, or how his actions are killing you inside, equate to you purposefully hurting him. In fact, I think you are giving him too much credit by assuming it would hurt him. Honestly, the one thing I don't think you are facing is that he probably would not be hurt if you were to tell him how much he failed you. BECAUSE HIS ACTIONS ARE SHOWING THAT HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY CARE.

    He deserves to hear how much he hurt you. He needs to hear it. He needs to see how much pain and destruction he has caused. He can never ever attempt to resolve the destruction or make up for it, if he has no idea how much there is for him to fix.

    And you deserve to have the chance to say it.

    Why do you spare him when he doesn't do the same for you? If it is important to you to say this to him, why are you holding back?


    but not for him to acknowledge how much he has hurt you (for fear he'll experience pain)?

    Why is it ok for you to experience pain, but not him?

    Or are you actually more afraid that he won't be hurt if you say it?

    I am sorry if this sounds harsh Tammy. I do not mean it to offend you. I do think that continuing to watch him ignore you and play the martyr with Chris is making it worse for you.

    I do totally and wholeheartedly agree that they both acted selfishly and horribly by leaving you so abruptly. It is becoming apparent over time that they never truly considered you a co-parent or a real spouse by how easily and cleanly they disappeared.

    I believe you have every right admonish them both for that. And after that admonishment you deserve to remove from you life people who don't deserve your attention.

    But until you start taking responsibility for what happened ... by acknowledging that you allowed these sorry-excuses-for-spouses to treat you this way (and continuing to do so!) without standing up for yourself, such as insisting on the people in your life maintaining respect for you, you will never heal. Only you can demand the respect you deserve.

    And you do deserve it!

    Please consider that you deserve to be loved. You must love yourself first. And loving yourself means not putting yourself in a position to be denigrated.

    The first thing you could do to prove your own love for yourself is to remove yourself from the lives of people who treat you like dirt and don't deserve your friendship. Unfriend Thom and Chris. They already did it to you emotionally. You don't owe either of them anything. You owe yourself everything.

    Big big hugs. And I'm sorry for giving you a little hard-love moment here.
    2203 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    Oh honey, I wish for a lot of things. I HATE to see you hurting like this. I think that continuing to see Judy and talking with her about all of this will help. Being able to get it out into the open/light of day like this may hurt worse now, but in the long run will (I hope) lessen the pain and heal the wound.

    I am so proud of you for taking these steps and actually dealing with everything and not just faking it.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2203 days ago
    Well, Thrace, at this point, all you can do is to keep seeing Judy and hopefully get closer to closure. I know it's hard but you are doing it and doing it well. Keep it up and remember I am always only a text/phone call away
    2203 days ago
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