I think

Saturday, May 12, 2012

I`ve been doing a lot of assessments lately, on my last few years. Beginning in Oct. 2010 I fulfilled one of my life long dreams of purchasing my own Harley Davidson motorcycle. One month later I broke my leg, not on my bike. In less than a month, I was staying in a hospital room 1200 miles from my home, taking care of my oldest brother, who doctors said had a 20% chance of survival. After ten months my brother had recuperated fully. My leg is good as new. I returned home, started getting settled in, started volunteering at a local charity and become nanny to a four year old little boy, for about for months everything was going great, I felt like I was living a fulfilling life. One day everything changed. I dropped the little boy off at school and went to work at the mission. That particular day everything seemed to be extra hard at work. I even started feeling a little agitated. As I was leaving out, there was a little lady begging to go to the restroom, saying it is an emergency, since the facility didn`t have a public restroom, I took it upon myself to escort the lady to the employees restroom in the back of the building. We got there safely. I looked for a chair to sit in while she took care of business, I saw one across the room and headed for it, all the sudden I stepped on a jiggered pipe sticking up out of the concrete floor. I literally flew 8 foot, I put my hands down to brace my fall. I`m not sure how much my hands actually braced my fall but I ended up breaking my left arm in two places, dislocated my elbow and damaged nerves in both hands. This was the beginning of the worse year of my life. Life is bad without the use of my hands. I couldn`t grip and forget about pouring anything. Without use of my hands, I could not do any beading, cooking was impossible I couldn`t take care of the little boy. I had surgery on one of my hands, it wasn`t sucessfull so I didn`t have surgery on the left one. I didn`t realize it but I became extremely depressed. I felt useless and stopped going and doing, this explains the 100 pound weight gain. Then one day it was like I just woke up from a bad dream, I wondered where had I been and what was that funk I had been in. Since, I am actually able to think now, I realize that I have always seen myself as being fat. I have always thought of myself as being fat. I remember as a young 12 year old girl, 90 pounds, I saw fat in the mirror. When I was a 110 pound bride I thought I was fat. Proverbs 4:23 says " Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life. I`ve found where my heart and mind has been and how serious it is to be in the right mind. I praise God and give Him my attention. I have another day to change what I think.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, what a journey you've been on! I'm so glad your brother is doing well.
    It was two broken ankles, two months in a wheelchair and two more on a walker that did me in. For depression I was taking Paxil, which I'd been on for several years. It was a long story, but that fall started me towards coming back home to NO, which I finally realized last November. New place, new doctor -- turns out Paxil is associated with weight gain. No matter I couldn't lose no matter what I did! I thought I was just middle-aged with a middle-aged metabolism and this was how it was going to be for the rest of my life. New medication, the weight started to come off, and then I started to get active. It's 30 lbs. so far, but I still have a long way to go.
    Which is a long way of saying that I really identified with you, both the heart-ache and the new hope.
    God bless you, sister. Every small step counts, both for your mind and your soul as well as for your body. You are beautiful, regardless of your size, and you can do amazing things!
    2193 days ago
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