Saturday, May 12, 2012
- noun -
1. The making or being made real of something imagined, planned, etc.
2. The result of such a process: The new church was the realization of a ten-year dream.
3. The act of realizing or the state of being realized.
4. An instance or result of realizing.
a. The act of realizing a figured bass.
b. A printed score of a realized figured bass.
I like to consider myself a relatively intelligent individual; however, my understanding of the word realization was completely limited and almost utterly inaccurate. You see, I was under the impression that once I had "realized" something, you know, truly come to terms with the reality of said situation or concept, it was done. The subject, by definition, had been realized; therefore, my work was complete. I understood the impact of realizations could go farther and may require more work, effort or thought, but the actual realization was a one time deal. Oh, how terribly short-sighted am I?
The truth be told that while I thought I was living my life according to the 4th definition of realization: "An instance or result of realizing," I was in actuality living according to the 3rd definition: "The act of realizing or the state of being realized". My realizations are less of milestones and more of a pathway along the state of being realized. Okay, so have I lost you yet? Let me explain a little more in specifics.
Have you ever realized that a person in your life is not good for you? And you have this triumphant "aha" moment, where you realize you don't need them in your life? Yet, somehow things don't change as dramatically as you thought they might and months (or years) later, you TRULY realize how bad this person is for you. And after a terrible amount of effort, drama and ordeals and this person is finally out of your life then you look back and think to yourself "My God, I really never understood just how terrible they were to me!". Repetitive realizations.
Now, you can justify this level of "realization" by saying it's different states, graduating levels of understanding, etc. I guess all of this is just better understanding of the world around us and it's just part of growing up and growing old. However, I have noticed a snag in the system. What happens to the lot of us who make a realization, but can't seem to move past it - those of us who are stuck perpetually realizing?
I have spent the past chunk of my life dealing with a very traumatic past and many repercussions from it. So I'm talking about the realizations as severe as why I flinch when a door slams to the most basic of things like why I can't get fast food without binging! Many of us here on SPark got stuck at some point on some thing. Many of us have troubled pasts and/or have attached ourselves to poor coping skills, but we all are repetitively hurting ourselves by repeating behaviors and thoughts that ultimately cause us harm. Why?
Many, many inspirational stories have began with the token "aha" moment and as much as we cherish those as a hallmark of motivation, I don't think I've ever read a story that didn't struggle between start pic and goal pic. If we have a basic instinct in us not to touch the stove if it's hot (it only takes one time!), then why am I getting burned so many times?
Starting this past November I've had severe stomach pain, nausea and vomiting. It has been continuing and getting worse and no one really has a clue as to what's happening. I have a condition called Gastroparesis, which means my stomach muscles are no longer grinding and processing the food like they should be. In fact, what most stomachs process in 15 minutes, takes mine over 90, and by that time, the eject signal is normally launched. Finally! After years of me fighting with over-eating and repetitively realizing I'm a compulsive eater, here is a physical illness making me very sick if I don't eat tiny portions of special foods. And I blow it. This has been going on for over 6 months and I can't seem to adapt to it. The more I think "I can't" eat a lot, the more I want to shovel food into my mouth as fast as possible.
I have realized how compulsive my eating is, the various things I'm using it to replace, levels of behavior, etc. I'm just disappointed, and quite honestly, pretty surprised, that despite it making me physically ill, I'm still engaging in the same behavior. I honestly thought having concrete realizations were most important, I didn't understand it's the whole journey.