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Rant with a happier ending

Friday, May 11, 2012

So here is a copy and paste thing of a post I made in my BLC team chat. I'll let you read it and then I'll add the happier ending part.

Okay, so I need to do a small rant here. And before I start, yes, I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Today is my official graduation day and all the excitement I had is gone, and I mean I was REALLY excited. I was on the verge of singing that "I'm so excited" song and just dancing around. I was goofy. And it's all gone. Replaced by depression and severe skepticism. I mean bad. I'm sitting here going "this is what I get for looking forward to things." What happened, you might ask? Well, it started with me trying on my graduation gown. I'm too fat to wear it. So now I have to borrow my mom's graduation gown because hers is plus size and mine is obviously not. Talk about a self esteem downer. And no, they didn't have the option to choose your height and then choose plus size, it was just your height when I went in to sign up for my gown and I didn't think anything of it at the time because I figured they were all one size fits all. Sure, one size fits all as long as you're not obese. Then I find out that some people who were going to come decided they weren't coming after all and others weren't sure if they'd make it for the whole thing or not because of some reason or other and making me feel even less important. I don't mean to sound selfish here, I do realize that everyone has their own lives and things going on, but I gave out the notice that all this was going down OVER a month ago so everyone could plan accordingly. I practically killed myself trying to finish this and keep my stupid job and when I finally did in December I couldn't celebrate it back then because I got sick with a bad chest cold and then bronchitis almost right after, everyone's mind was on Christmas and New Year, and I was too broke to celebrate for myself other than a free "pat on the back". I mean, really now. And of course no one can control the weather, but it's supposed to rain on my graduation BBQ party, so it also feels like mother nature is against me celebrating, too. And last night I was saying goodnight to the mama cat and kittens I rescued a few weeks ago so they could grow up safely and find good homes and one of them was in wild child mode and scratched my lip. Thankfully I don't have a huge fat lip this morning, but it sure was swollen like nothing else last night. And of course I spilled some of my breakfast all over my shirt this morning. That made me feel super happy. Coffee grinds in the coffee yet again (seriously, why can they not invent a filter that DOESN'T tip over and let all the bloody grinds in the coffee?!). And I'm really just sad and want to cry. My dad passed away almost 2 1/2 years ago and this is supposed to be one of the biggest days of my life and he's not going to be here like I always thought that he would be. It's just hard. And I don't want to start bawling and I'm scared I'm going to do just that. And it doesn't help at all that I slept for crap again last night, so I'm sleep deprived on top of it.

Yes, I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm just really tired of it. I look forward to something, things go wrong, one after the other, and then I'm left wondering why do I even bother. I am trying to pull out of this funk. I really am. I'm feeling my old self trying to resurface and bring me back down to where I was. I just needed to say SOMETHING to someone before I blew. Thanks for listening to my pity party.

So I think the biggest problem I'm having is that I really miss my dad. It's a very big day for me and he's not here and I'm reacting like a child to every little thing that goes wrong. Not that I don't have a good reason, but I do need to deal better. I've been listening to music all morning and I'm feeling much better now. I'm going to share a few with you guys because I know that we've all lost someone special and had to go through a big milestone day/time without them and these helped me a lot. I just need to remember that I'm not as alone and I like to think I am sometimes. Depression. You gotta love it...

This next one is the song that I sang at his funeral. He asked me several years before he had passed on to sing at his funeral. I thought it was one of the meanest things he could have asked me, but I made the promise and I kept it. While I was driving down to New Mexico, I live in Colorado, to go and help take care of things, I was thinking about that promise and wondering what song I would sing because he never told me which one. As I was thinking, I felt his presence and the song title came to mind and that is what I sang:

And this last one I sang at his one year memorial service. I had thought that since nobody was really able to attend the funeral as it was pretty much right before Christmas and my idiot brother thought it'd be better to have it in Greeley instead of where he used to live, nobody was able to come. So I did a memorial service and sang this one and I really do need to work on remembering the chorus in my everyday life when I'm feeling low.

I'm going to be okay the rest of the day. I just needed to acknowledge what was REALLY wrong, not just what was irritating the crap out of me. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    There is nothing wrong with missing the people who are important in your life. Know how proud your Dad would be that you've done such a terrific job of getting yourself through school while working - it really is a testament to your character.

    2199 days ago
    2200 days ago
    My dad has been gone for nine years and mom six. I still feel like an orphan. You will always have days when you think of him. It doesn't get easier, (I don't think) but it does get different. Let in the good memories and hopefully you will smile. I hope I can be your friend. I ranted and raved myself today, maybe it's the moon?
    2200 days ago
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