Tuesday, May 08, 2012
I do not know if you were ever in the mental place I am. I have been openly retelling my trauma story, and as a result to opening that can of worms I have been struggling. I have been struggling to not remember the accounts of what took place. Memories do not stop any time of the day. They find ways of coming back so easily. I have many coping strategies and skills to use, but my therapist says that even the most skilled person finds him/her struggling and possibly going back to old methods used to cope. She told me to be kind to myself. I am trying. All I do know is I have used food and alcohol to soothe the hurt and using poor coping measures I did not track food, consumed more than allotted calories, drank lots of champagne, did not sleep well, did not exercise regularly, did not log in to Spark People, and went into survival mode. Crisis mode is not the best place to be. When a person gets into fight or flight, the person struggles to meet basic needs. I do not like feeling the wounds of the past, but I am told that once the experience leaves my mouth I can experience a new freedom. I am learning that there were parts of me who still stood up in ways. Now I can recognize and honor the ways I used to survive. I can also choose to learn and use better ways that work in the present moment.y goal is to do the inner-work and someday see my outer-child thrive like never before. So, I am not giving up on myself. I am making progress. I choose to live healthier. I deserve to be healthiest. More than anything.....I am learning to love me from the inside out.