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5/6/12- Looking Back

Sunday, May 06, 2012

I know I haven't really blogged in a long while, but I thought I should...

I was just flipping through some of my old notebooks and old folders and I came across my weightloss notebook from years ago and it had all these fitness charts and all the pages I used t track my progress on and all these different exercise charts.

Then I found another one and it had the same things in it. And then another and another.
Can you see where I am going with this?

I have been trying to lose weight for so many years and each time I think that it's working I end up giving up or gaining weight. Just reading through all the logs reminded me that I am still in the same position as I was back then.
I start off strong and then I give up when it gets too hard. Or I get completely obsessed about losing weight that I will clip every article that I can find that I think will help me lose weight, and I would constantly exercise without eating first or without making sure I was hydrated enough because I wanted to be skinny so bad.
Now I am no better off than I was then. I gained more weight since then, which was around 2009 and 2010 and some from last year as well. It is crazy the things that you go through just to feel good about yourself on the outside. I have so many other parts of my life in shambles, my health being one of them, that I don't even know how to focus on getting healthy and this time not letting the rough patch that we all experience when trying to lose weight, get me down or make me quit.
I feel exactly like that girl I was a few years ago only I have gotten older on the outside, but in the inside I still feel like that insecure girl that wants to be beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. I try to ignore those feelings that I have about myself sometimes, but when things are going bad you rarely can find anything good to think about.
It's funny how just something as simple as a notebook can trigger all these memories and feelings.
I really want to lose weight now for the right reasons and the right way. The past is the past for a reason and I am trying my best to keep it just that. It is hard standing strong when you feel like you have only been weak, but I am up for the challenge. It is 2012, Its a new year so I want to from now on focus on the present and the future, and perhaps create a better one for myself.
I feel like I need a therapist sometimes, but until I can get one I will just keep blogging, I guess. emoticon
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