I wanted to preamble this blog with those 2 tidbits first, so that if I ramble or have another major mood swing hopefully my Spark friends would understand.
Lets see how to start, Ive been told blogging is just like talking to someone else. Well here goes:
Im 46 years old & have somehow ??? broken the radius bone in my elbow. Nope no fall, no injury, nothing, Dr thinks I may have osteoporosis to add to the rest of my many diseases. Ive been complaining of elbow pain for about 2 months, but being stubborn didnt tell the dr. Now I am in a 24 hour a day splint for at least the next month. If there is no progress with the next xray, then hes gonna cast it and or do The Dreaded SURGERY! I live alone with my chihuahua & cant take care of myself to begin with, this really has put a cramp in my life.
Next thing that happened this week: my pain dr put 4 steroid injections into my lower back to try & help with the ower back pain & or leg pain. If you have not been on steroids consider yourself LUCKY! The side effects include but arent limited to:
Overactive hunger that never stops
Water weight gain & huge puffiness & itchiness
Sleeping is next to impossible, I laid down today & could feel my whole body just vibrating.
Mood swings! I go from not feeling worth the oxygen or food or space I am consuming to being a EXTREME PSYCHO MADWOMEN in about 1 second flat
The orthopaedic dr also gave me an steroid injection in each knee because, my knees are shot, they need to be replaced, but ALL IN UNISON NOW: YOU CANT HAVE SURGERY TIL YOU LOSE THE WEIGHT!
I am also menopausal (just starting) so the periods are insane the moods are crazy & I dont know what I am doing.
See why I made the preamble to this blog!
I have called my friends & asked for them to shot me, (Ill give them a note for the cops to get them off) no jail time. To in the next second telling them that I am not worth anything to them, myself, my dog or anyone else on this earth. Then the next second is that Im taking up too much oxygen & too much food & too much room & dont deserve to exist.
Oh yea, ran out of depression pills this week & the dr hasnt called in the refill yet. Does anyone understand why I just dont wanna be here anymore?
I sit here crying hysterically now & dont know why or what to do with myself. All my friends either live 30-300 miles away & have their own lives.
When asked today who would be a better momma for my baby (dog) I said my home health aide that loves him like I do & can at least walk him & play with him better than me.
I had finally started to think maybe I would get the weight loss surgery & was working out with my arm bike. Well Heck! That just went out the window! If anyone has any ideas for a woman who cant walk more than 10 steps at a time, cant do anything with her arms & whose mine has went out with the cuckoos nest for a way to exercise????
Please let me know!
Please keep me in your prayers, I need them & I hate to beg.
Thanks for listening, reading, just being my spark friends! I dont know where I would be without you all!
By the way, this was Peppy & I about a week & a half ago, what a change huh???