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Why didn't you tell me I'm fat?!!?!?!?

Friday, May 04, 2012

Have you ever had one of those moments where you know something isn't quite right? I mean you know deep down inside something is off yet you continue on ignoring that nagging little voice that keeps whispering the obvious. Then one day it hits you and you feel horrible because you ignored it and now you have to deal with the mess in front of you.

For me that moment slapped me in the face last night. A friend of mine asked me "your not weighing your food anymore are you?". It was not intended to be mean nor was he trying to point out the obvious of what I already knew. It was such a mild nonchalant question yet it bothered me. For the past few days I have been thinking I don't like how my lack of exercise and random runs through drive thru's has brought me pretty much back to square one.

My boss gave me coupons to Burger King because my co worker "doesn't eat that". Another mild harmless comment that bothered me. Because she's skinny and runs marathons she doesn't eat Burger King? Yeah give it to the fat chic she is always in Burger King. I know that is not what he was implying but that is how my brain processed it.

I'm not saying I'm angry at anyone for their comments, I know they were not intended to be hurtful. I'm angry with myself because I sit here and complain about how my clothes don't fit and I just feel down right fat and ugly. I have no one to blame but myself for this, and I really want to know when enough will become enough.

How did I get so lost? I miss coming here and seeing my friends make progress and make progress right along with them. I hate how I start out all excited and then that excitement wears down and I go back to my old ways. I know I have to stay away from the drive thru which I am. No soda but I gotta give up my morning Rockstar.

I just don't know how to begin, yes I know to start slow. I'm afraid I will just give up and this is what is holding me back. My first step is coming here, then tomorrow I need to get real food so I'm not tempted to stop by a fast food place on the way home. I love my job but I also need to get my butt back to taking a lunch and exercising and meditating during that time if I don't get it done in the am.

I know my friends love me but I feel I'm not giving them my all because I am unhappy with how my lazy habits have created a woman I don't recognize. I hate my huge mirror on my loving vanity because it is no longer forgiving. Now I don't even want to get dressed near it because I will catch a glimpse of myself and right now I'm not happy with who I've become.

Only one way to change that though. I just need to find the patience to get there.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It's all about the little choices & taking it one day (or meal) at a time.

    Every time I choose to make a meal instead of eat out, I'm proud of myself. Especially if I was just trying to be lazy.
    Every time I choose to go out for a run or a ride instead of flopping in front of the computer, I'm proud of myself.

    Our friends love us, and want us to be happy. But, I really wish they had been a little more blunt with me several years ago.
    2194 days ago
    Thanks for sharing, Debbie. As usual, you write so well and with insights that are always thought-provocative.
    2208 days ago
    This is how I restarted (this time):
    Week 1: track everything...I was horrified
    Week 2: Mindful choices...tracked most. I ate some things "off track" but I thought about it first...and No Drive Thru! = 4 pound loss...oh and I treated myself to a haircut with the money I'd been spending eating out.
    Set a simple goal and build on sucks but it works! Remember to reward yourself!
    I have a lot going on and jumping back in full swing just would mean failure for me. Plus it's too overwhelming to think about where I've been and where I should be.
    Love you girl! you can do this just take it slow so you don't fade away too fast.
    2209 days ago
  • 02SERENE
    "I just don't know how to begin, yes I know to start slow. My first step is coming here, then tomorrow I need to get real food so I'm not tempted to stop by a fast food place on the way home."

    I've had dialogues in my brain like this too. There's a link for positive self talk

    Its a balances not eat too much and not eat too little. One of my issues is timing of food. Letting too much time go by without a snack, or meal. Its balancing it out rather than depriving myself. When I have huge gaps of time between food, its an excuse for me to overeat. I can come up with many reasons why....

    I mentally second guess myself, and then I counter it with - ---nutrition plan for tomorrow, simple one, nutrition notes, I write the time of when I eat and what I actually eat.

    I walked a little bit today. We went to the store and parked the car further from the entrance. And the store was huge -- I made sure I had comfortable shoes on, comfortable clothes on. Something that made me feel pretty. Earrings!
    At first, my husband was going to park closer to the entrance, I had to speak up and ask, can we park further away? That was a first for me.

    I am only doing little things to start. The biggie is communicating when I find myself to not wanting to communicate.

    I thought what you wrote was courageous.
    2210 days ago
    Would it help to hear that every single day is emoticon and I think that when you think of it in that way, maybe it will get better for you to stick to it for the long haul.

    "Every day is a new day, with no mistakes in it."

    It brings forth a blank slate to begin again...every day to make it a better day than the last.

    I've been there and hear your frustration...I still get frustrated...and you can get through the rough times...with patience, some venting, and some extra kindness to yourself! It takes time...give yourself time and lots of love and understanding.
    2210 days ago
    HUGS I SO understand this! This is me!!!! You are amazing, you deserve this, and you CAN do it!!! Good for you for starting over!!!!! Hang in there and if you need a buddy, I'd be glad to be one, since I need it too! HUGS

    2210 days ago
    Just jump right back in. You know what to do. You've done it.. You CAN do it.

    As the saying goes... You won't have to start over, if you never give up. Just don't give up. Make the best decisions you can. If you mess up, don't stress it... just stive to do better the next day. (And... yes, I can relate. My clothes are tight... again. Sigh.)

    2210 days ago
    You've been missed! I'm glad to see you back here!
    So what if you fell? You can stand back again! In fact, you already have! You're here, you wrote this blog, you made your fall known to all of us, now it's time to get back to work. Baby steps and patience. You know the how's. And you can put up with them because you want it and because you can!
    You're a winner! Winners don't quit! They just fail from time to time, just to become wiser and make their successes even more worthy!
    2210 days ago
    I think you should copy the quote on your background stick it on your bathroom mirror and make it your daily mantra. You know what to do. You have to begin to believe that you can do it. Inch by inch it's a cinch.
    2211 days ago
    I know you can do it. It gets easier with each little step. I just started back again 03/22/12. I saw pics of myself at Easter after I lost a few pounds, and I still don't recognize the person I had become. I am a work in progress. I am working to become an even better version of the old me I used to know. I am here for you if you need support of any kind.

    2211 days ago
  • LILYPAD12311
    Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    Be kind to yourself,,,, I have been in the exact same situation you are in right now,,,, I just hated looking myself in the mirror,,,, when I thought I looked good,,, I said "really",,, Is this what I have become? But I bet you are kinder to others than you are to yourself.... use that inner spirit to be compassionate to yourself. We have all failed in one way or another,,, a weight loss journey is not easy,,,, BUT the fact that you have risen and are coming back,,,, well that is fantastic! I am proud of you.... so work on it day by day.,,,, we will all be here to cheer you on! emoticon
    2211 days ago
    You have made a great first step. For that reason alone you have to be less hard on yourself. You have everything it takes to make one good choice at a time and if you slip up... You have countless other opportunities to make a better choice next time. Welcome back to the Spark community. Looking forward to hearing about your progress.
    2211 days ago
    Take it one day at a time and one step at a time, and you WILL reach your goals.

    2211 days ago
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