April showers bring May flowers?

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

I'm thinking that my performance for April can be compared to constant rain- dreary, unending, depressing, uncomfortable, and something you want to escape from.

The best way to explain this is to point out that I've gained back 10 pounds and I only did 4 days of cardio last month.

I basically let life get in the way and used excuse after excuse to eat poorly and refuse to exercise. For almost the entire month.

A lot of my problem last month had to do with tapping into some deeper emotional issues for me and seeing that I try to comfort myself with food. I also started to look at that behavior and I'm still trying to figure out if that means I might officially have an eating disorder. The thought that I might is something I don't want to even look at, let alone accept. But buying crappy food and eating it doesn't really help to avoid the problem of wanting to buy crappy food to avoid your problems, does it?

I'm fine with admitting that I was over 300 pounds because I ate poorly and I didn't exercise enough. I am willing to say that yes, I haven't taken very good care of myself. But I really don't want to carry the burden of what the term "Eating Disorder" brings.

I'm still not sure that fits me, but I do admit that my relationship to food isn't "normal". I've had a lot of loss in my life and I've learned to cope by using food for comfort, just as I'm sure a lot of you have used food to satisfy an emotional need as well. Worrying that I might have an eating disorder has only made this more difficult. And I can't really tell if my hesitance to embrace it is me being logical or me being in denial.

With all this rain going on in my life throughout April, I'm really hoping that it will help to get some growth blossoming in May. I did go walking on Sunday for 2.6 miles and I'm going to be heading to the gym in a few minutes so I can say that my behavior is getting back on track. I've got some new ideas for motivation too, so hopefully I can put the rain behind me.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know that it might seem like you went backwards a bit last month, but really, it sounds to me like you have moved ahead when it comes to your thinking. You are now much more aware of when and why you eat and I think that is a big part of the journey in weight loss - it's just not about eating less and moving more - it's also about what is going on in our thoughts and why we do what we do. The scale may read 10 lbs heavier but if we had some way to measure the progress we've made in our thinking or observations about ourselves, I think yours would have made a huge improvement.

    So, you may not have figured everything out yet, but it will work out. I know this because you are still here, you are still fighting, you are still trying. Even small steps will get you to where you want to go. Hang in there, Erica, you are making strides!

    3381 days ago
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