Tuesday, May 01, 2012

This past month has been one of the toughest I've had in a long time.

Ten years ago, just after Easter I was raped. This is not something that I've told many people, and it is a heavy admission. It shouldn't be. It wasn't my fault. Even though it was my boyfriend who raped me. Even though I was excited by the prospect of having sex. Even though I was not married. Even though I was young. My rape was not my fault. And yet, it is one of my closest guarded secrets.

I know where this tendency to keep bad things secret comes from. It comes from being a young child who was abused by her mother. It comes from feeling that I deserve bad things to happen to me, and when they do, I deserve them. Because I deserve this abuse I should keep silent about it.

This keeping silent causes me to withdraw, to pull away. It is a bad habit, and one that I will break with time.

This April I withdrew from Sparkpeople (and the internet at large). I cut myself off from positive and supportive people without meaning to, falling back on an old habit. An outdated survival mechanism.

To those who worried about me, thank you and I'm sorry. I'll try to keep in touch the next time I disappear down the rabbit hole.
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  • FIGURE_1
    xx I'm so sorry to hear. I'm glad you know it wasn't your fault. Too many rape in this country, specially intimate partners, because they can.

    But I do believe that strength is the product of struggle... I believe you can take terrible experiences into positive lessons and grow from them.

    2235 days ago
    I am sorry to hear. The good thing is you know how to stand up and I am proud of you to face this situation. Have the courage to open your mouth and get it out.
    If past things try to haunt me, I always think of the saying: Take the good of the past and let the rest go - or something like that...

    You will be in my prayers.
    2239 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear about your traumatic past! My heart goes out to you. And there are no apologies necessary as BlessedBeing said. I'm so glad you are back and have renewed your journey here on Spark.
    2240 days ago
    emoticon No apologies necessary, Trisha. Many folks on Spark have started over or come back, sometimes repeatedly. I disappeared for half a year or more. Of course I hadn't discovered the power of teams and Spark Friends yet. Now I get *so* much support and inspiration from my Spark pals, that I'm not willing to stay away! I crave the daily interaction and the caring, the affection and the wisdom of people around the world that I have come to love. emoticon

    And yes, one of the horrible things about having been abused is this tendency to hide and keep secrets. I've come a long way since the days when I lost my voice several times a year. Once I started speaking my truth, it's become more of a habit for me. And the sad truth is that there are so many of us survivors. If we would all be more open about it, maybe we would all feel less alone or different.

    Anyway, so glad you found your way back! Be extra gentle with yourself as you nurture yourself in body and spirit.
    Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon
    2241 days ago
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