Must save her own life, but how?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Things I know:

I know my health is spiraling out of control.

I know that regardless of my medical conditions, losing a significant amount of weight would benefit my health.

I know the medical system is running out of options and I'm scared.

I know when I was active on SPark before, it was the best I've felt in years - maybe ever felt.

I know a positive spiral can replace my negative spiral and the only place I have to go from here is up.

I know my medical conditions are grim and living the healthiest life possible is literally the only option I have to living past 30.

Despite me knowing all of these things, I am scared and tired. I'm tired of having fought all these years and having nothing to show for it. I'm exhausted of being exhausted, being in severe amounts of pain, being alone and having a medical system I firmly believe in fail me. My intelligent side lectures me about all those things I know. Yells at me to lose weight and how losing the 100 pounds is the only "treatment" I haven't really done. I'm completely frustrated with myself for knowing this, yet not doing it. Then my emotional side yells back at my intelligent side, screaming that I'm sick, very sick and trying to force my broken body to exercise, or do anything physical, to cook better - healthier, give up my one coping addiction (food) just doesn't make sense. You have to be healthy enough to do these things. You have to be sleeping some, not in agonizing pain, not scared for your life before you start adding more things to do. And then it goes to the other side... sometimes you have to run before you walk. No matter how sick you are, you can still make baby steps. You know starting the positive spiral is terribly difficult, but totally worth it once you get moving.

I'm pretty educated on psychology and health. I know the little steps I could be doing. I know not to push myself too hard, but doing something, anything, is better than nothing. I know all of these things, but I'm stuck feeling sorry for myself and completely overwhelmed by my deteriorating health. I'm scared that I'm at the point where no one else can help me, but I'm too exhausted to help myself.

When you have no hope, next to no support, no options, how do you put one foot in front of the other? How do you scrape yourself up off the floor when you don't feel like you have anything left to give?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Take one step at a time, Kerry. You are strong enough to do this!

    When you feel the need to self-medicate with food, do it with healthy foods - berries instead of ice cream, raw veggies with low-fat dip instead of chips. You can do this!

    I have had family members live with chronic pain, and I know how hard it can be on your spirit. See if you can find a yoga class. Yoga is a gentle way to move your body and learn to be accepting of it as it is at this moment. You will learn how to relax and breathe.

    Literally, one step at a time - walk to the end of your driveway once or twice a day. A little bit at a time as you are able is going to be a benefit. Don't worry about what you can't do, but focus on what you CAN do.

    You are on Spark - that is a great thing to do for yourself.
    You are asking for help and sharing your frustrations - that is a healthy way to try to take care of your needs. No one knows what you need unless you tell them!

    We're all pulling for you - you CAN do this!
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    3174 days ago
  • REJ7777
    I find that nothing drains my energy as much as being in pain. And it's easy to turn to food to self-medicate when we're bored and in pain. Unfortunately the "medication" has become harmful to your body, and the excess weight you carry only increases your pain. It's become a vicious cycle.

    You seem very *aware* of your situation and choices. Even if you can only do a few exercises in a chair, they're important. Stay away from junk food. Don't even bring it into the house. It's a lot easier to overeat apple pie than apples. Give your body all the nutrients it needs to fight off the debilitating diseases. Do it with as much determination as when you worked for your degree!

    Find something that you enjoy doing. Getting started is always the hardest part. Meditation and prayer can help you get centered. (I'm a christian, so I believe that God loves us and helps us when we cry out to Him.) Don't give up. There ARE options. When you become a psychologist, you'll be able to empathize with your clients in a way that someone who's never had to deal with pain wouldn't be able to.
    3186 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5233545
    HUGS just take one day at a time and small steps emoticon we are all here to support you xxxx
    3187 days ago
    I know with everything you're handling it has to feel overwhelming. Sometimes what works for me is focusing on what I CAN do, no matter how small. I CAN eat a serving of fruit today. I CAN do 10 minutes of some exercise. Once I've made a choice that is healthy for me, I remind myself that EVERY SMALL STEP COUNTS and moves me closer to what I want for myself.

    Please know you're not alone on this journey. There are lots of us out here rooting for you!
    3189 days ago
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    3189 days ago

    I am so sorry that you are going through a hard time. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I am keeping you in my thoughts and in my prayers. Also, sending healing thoughts your way.

    Try my dear to take things one day at a time, and if necessary, 1 minute at a time. Your spark friends are routing for you.

    You are a strong and capable woman and you can do anything you set your mind to do.

    3189 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/26/2012 1:56:32 PM
    you just get up and DO it. I hate that you're in so much pain, I can only imagine I know, but buying healthy foods and MAKING yourself leave the junk food at the grocery store or the gas station or where ever you get it is such a HUGE start. I have followed you since I think I started on spark and kept up with your blogs. I can only send my thoughts and prayers that someone finds a cure to help you but you're 100% right about helping yourself!! I have faith in you girl!
    3189 days ago
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