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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

With the new house, new start, I had wanted to hit the ground running. Quite literally, I had planned to over use the running trails near my neighborhood. I have only gone a few times. As far as eating I am about 50/50, super clean eating and not really thinking about what I am putting in my mouth. I am determined to change this, I don't want to feel like I am wasting time. I have regained so much of my confidence and care free self love that I have been missing but I am yet to find my fearlessness. I want that back, I am just yet to earn it I guess.
This brings me to, that in regaining so much of my old self back, along with my independence, my DH claims to be in love with me now, I am easier to love. Maybe I am just too resentful to see the positive in this but when he admitted that, all I could think is '**** you' ! He ceased being my safe place to fall, I was left feeling I wasnt good enough for him, I felt lonely in his company, I didnt feel beautiful, or talented, or special. For protection from the rejection I forced myself to stop being in love with him. I excepted he didnt love me, our love story had become anything but. I took that sadness, the loneliness, the anger, the resentment... it became fuel. I couldnt change him or how he felt ab me BUT I could change me and how I felt ab myself. Over the last 6 months I have transformed myself, my life, my outlook, my comfort zone. Fk yeah I am easy to love, I am strong, I am happy with the person I have become, I STFU and get it done, I love life. That doesnt mean I was unworthy of being loved, or feeling special for who I was, I have always been Siena.
I know there will be some very hard decisions ahead before I can claim my fearlessness back. I believe this journey begins today, with a long run. Just me and those running trails.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hello Sienna!! As you know, we've talked before, I can so relate. But kudos to you for getting to where you are today!! I, like some others here, used the unhappiness in my relationship as an excuse to gain weight! And I continue to do it now, even though I'm out of that relationship! Ugh! You have so much to be proud of, and you are such an inspiration to me!!! I'm probably old enough to be your mom (ok, maybe older sister or aunt), but I so want to be like you when I grow up!!

    Your new house isn't anywhere closer to my side of town is it? (northwest)

    2221 days ago
    I like your spirit and your courage - I am fighting my way out too - not in the same way but.. I let myself become fat rather than let me be ME - tried too hard for too many years to be everything everyone else wanted or expected.. Now I am learning the power of saying no - the fun of being the sassy, slightly bad girl who has always been there (even though i am a stinkin pastor's wife - lol) My husband likes me better now too - and I am not so sure how I feel about that - cause he was part of the reason I think I gained weight....
    But the best revenge for EVERYTHING is living well and joyfully - somehow I think you're gonna be doing that more and more.....
    I added you as a friend - keep writing - I want to keep reading!!!
    2221 days ago
    I too resented it when DH said he didn't love the fat me. We talked about it and he explained that "men marry the woman they want to be with forever" - and they don't want her to change. We women, on the other hand, marry with the hope of changing whatever we don't like about him. There's no wrong or right to this, it's just a way of thinking. Maybe another way of saying it is men think their wife is perfect when they marry and women think they can make their husband perfect.

    Better to just practice acceptance of ourselves and work to change ourselves and then we can accept others as they are. Only you can decide.
    2221 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    I guess the one recommendation I have is to Talk Seriously with your hubby,
    and tell him how it made you feel. Come clean, be honest, he just might
    GET IT!

    Then again?

    Don't let anyone or anything get in the way of you being healthy in ALL
    aspects of your life.

    2221 days ago
    Stumbled on your page from some other SP newsletter maybe... not sure how I got here, but glad I did. You are making beautiful things happen!

    Wishing you peace at heart, and all the best in rebuilding your marriage and family.
    2221 days ago
    emoticon for sharing...Good luck with your journey and keep us posted!
    2221 days ago
    If you put one foot in front of the other, anything can be done!
    May you make the decisions that are right for YOU, and not what you THINK they need to be.
    2221 days ago
    I hope you can rebuild your is worth th effort! You are so strong!
    2221 days ago
  • NCSUE0514
    Today's the first I found your page as you were featured as a motivational member. Reading what you've written here, my first thought wasn't "wow how motivational". But then I realized that you're still fighting hard despite discouraging circumstances.

    That, my dear, is courage... which requires fearlessness.
    2221 days ago
    You have had quite a journey and it has been amazing to read about it over the months and months of your transformation. You are entering a new phase now and there are some interesting things ahead for you.

    Keep strong! Keep the faith!

    BTW - love the fact you are turning to running - but I can relate to that.
    2222 days ago
  • TXLADY110
    Your a MOM... fearlessness kinda disappears when you know every decision will affect that little tike until 18 then... a little less fear cause they made it.
    Confidence, love, happiness, joy, hurt and anger in all the decisions and the out comes are yours. You will do the right thing. As you begin to love and care for yourself people will see the shine and flock toward you like a moth to flame. Stay strong in your self and know you can handle it. Having made it thru the stress and back up on your feet it kinda sucks to look at the wake of destruction in the past. But it is there to remind you of your strength.

    2222 days ago
    Keep fighting, Siena. *hugs*
    2222 days ago
    This brought a tear to my eye, Siena...thinking about you having to feel that way. I totally get the feeling of anger you got when he said he was in love with you again, really I do...but can I give you something to think about? I know the situation has been a rough one, with your MIL and everything...but you DID love him once and were IN LOVE with him. I think perhaps the case could be that he lost that IN LOVE feeling which as all women know comes and goes. Perhaps he never stopped loving you, but didn't recognize this because the IN LOVE feelings had departed for a while? I could be totally off base in this. Just trying to look at all sides.

    What you must do is figure out how important this family you have built with him is to you and if it is worth fighting for, falling in love all over again for, working for. Only you can answer that, of course. As always, we are here for you and want to see you flourish. You are a total powerhouse and a true warrior for your health and I respect and love that about you so much!
    2222 days ago
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