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Day 114: Feeling Like a Big Fat Failure

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I titled this post "Day 114", but it's really not. I haven't done anything good for myself in the past 30 days. Instead, it seems that I'm eating more and more, and I can't stop.

I gave up sugar for a week or so and lost 5 lbs rapidly. Then I went back to eating whatever, and I put it all back on plus.

I am SO TIRED of this fight.

I know I'm the only one who can change my life. I only wish I knew why I continue to make poor decisions and treat my body like a garbage can.

That's all I have in me tonight. I'm just tired of fighting and tired of despising myself because I'm so weak.
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    Have you ever tried keeping a food diary? Not just tracking food to know the calorie / nutrition content, but a journal of your days and how you approach food. A small notebook or diary can be good for this. Before eating anything, pull it out and make a note of the day and time, what you're about to eat and why. The why could be "it's breakfast time" or "I'm super hungry" or "I'm bored" or "I'm craving the sweet/salty/crunchy/you name it". You could even write in it when you don't choose to eat, but note the stresses and emotions you go through.

    The key of all that is to help you identify "why I continue to make poor decisions" about food.

    Don't blame yourself. Don't waste the energy beating up on yourself or feeling like a failure. Think about how many years you've had the eating and activity habits you're trying to overcome. You can't erase a decade or three of habit in a year or two.

    Whenever you feel like you are failing yourself, turn that around and make a good decision. You realize you haven't worked out all week? Go for a walk immediately or hop on the recumbent bike or whatever activity you can do right then. You realize you've been eating lots of junk food? Pull up a healthy recipe for dinner and make it, measuring yourself a single portion.
    2216 days ago
    Like others have said...FEELING and BEING or two completely different things. We all have feelings and sometimes they are negative. But feeling doesn't make it so. And don't get upset because you are not perfect or haven't been following your plan perfectly...no one is perfect and we all over-indulge or impersonate coach potatoes from time to time.

    I don't have the magic answer on how to get out of that mindset, everyone is different and responds to different things. The best piece of advice I can give echoes some of the other comments...Would you speak to your family and friends the way you beat yourself up in your head?

    The answer is "No"...so refuse to talk to yourself that way. You are just as worthy of respect from yourself as are your family & friends.

    Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to them, with constructive criticism and options for improvement.

    Never doubt that you are worth the effort you put in!

    2216 days ago
    Totally in the same boat.. but probably fell off the wagon for more than the past 30 days now :p. Started again yesterday. Trying to lose the 10lbs I gained back.
    2217 days ago
    Phew.... you are HARD on yourself. Everyone has written good, positive things for you. You know what has to be done (we all do) but it is HARD to do it. Otherwise there wouldn't be a problem... everyone would be fit and healthy. But we are not.

    I don't have the answer, because there is no ONE answer - everyone has their own personalised solution that they have worked out for themselves. Just check out all the inspirational 'success' sparkpages. They find out what works for them. BUT that might not work for you.

    So, you are learning. Giving up sugar like that was a short lived success. You know you have to give it up... so cut it down gradually. Small victories add up. Find real alternatives to your sweet treats (not fruit, because it really isn't the same, is it?)

    Go through your food diary and see where you can do better - realistically. If you don't track on Spark, maybe write it out in a notebook - you don't need calories to count, you can see when you have made a good choice and where you could have chosen better. AND where you have had a treat and fully enjoyed it.

    I have my own weaknesses - I love crisps (chips) so I have a small packed (35g) once a week - on Wednesdays - that way I am not depriving myself.

    I'm still learning, still trying new things, hoping this time I will find something I can stick to...

    You are not alone.

    2217 days ago
    If you don't put the "crap" in the shopping cart it won't be there to eat. Until you can take control of what goes in your mouth, you probably need to get rid of all the temptations. You want to get your knee replaced and losing weight will make the outcome much better. emoticon
    2217 days ago
  • SHIRE33
    FEELING like a failure and being a failure are two different things. Look at you -- here posting on Spark. You know how to be in the right place. You can start some good things today. So you aren't perfect. Who is? FitFabJen says "patience and persistence," not perfection. We're always going to screw up. The key is, we always get back at it. Sometimes I imagine where I'd be if I had never given up on myself when I went off my weight loss plans over the years. I'd be at goal weight -- for about 25 years! Instead of doing it again as I approach 50.

    We're all weak sometimes. But we're not weak all the time. In fact, we're only weak a little bit of time. So accept yourself as you are. Be strong when you are. It'll add up over time. Seriously. I'm seeing it in myself, so I know it's in you.

    I figured something else out the other day. I was driving home and passed a grocery store where there was a truck delivering my favorite kind of potato chips -- those kettle kind. I had just run and I was starving and they sounded SO GOOD! But I realized that although I wanted some, that there were so many other things that I felt good about and wanted. I felt good about my exercise. I felt good about my breakfast choice that day. I sure feel good about my weight loss so far and how my clothes fit. I just love that my vegetable growing isn't making me sore this spring because I have been working out. Then I knew that the craving for the potato chips was just one small thing -- the enjoyment I would have gotten out of it was smaller because all the other things I enjoy are bigger. So it was pretty easy to say no.

    The more I accomplish, the less I feel overwhelmed by comforting myself with my favorite food. I just keep discovering more alternatives to getting to that good feeling, or, sometimes, that feeling of escape (which is what my overeating often was). I just have so many more options now, so I can resist better.

    I'm just saying that because it's something I never knew until recently. It's a place you will get to. I just wanted you to know it exists because I sure didn't!

    Spark on!!
    2217 days ago
    Feeling like a failure is something I can relate to. Over the past year and a half, I have been attending a weight clinic at a hospital in our area. About two weeks ago, I realized that, in not so many words, I had "failed" the program.I lost 60 pounds prior to starting and then lost an additional 20 for a total of 80. Unfortunately, we had some serious stressors over the past 6 months, and I have regained 25 pounds. Since I had been gaining weight over 6 month of the program, I was made to understand that I had not learned what I need to learn in order to be successful and thus they had nothing further to offer me. I was treated well, but the message was clear: unless I find a way to stop my emotional eating and binging, there is no help for me - not even weight loss surgery. No point in that because I would wind up gaining my weight back because I haven't dealt with my emotions.

    When I got to my car, I was kind of incredulous when it hit me. I had once again proven that I am incorrigible - and that I had let them down. I've been struggling with that because I feel like they gave up on me. Like you, I feel like a big, fat, failure.

    I have been plagued with weight issues and emotional eating for my whole life as far back as I can remember. Nevertheless, we need to get up from our stumbling and continue on this journey as best we can. God knows I can identify with you and your feelings. Ultimately, we can give up or get up. I will die from this if I can't find a way to deal with my feelings, so there is no giving up.

    You have to decide how you're going to deal with your feelings just as I do. We can be super-critical of ourselves, or we can forgive ourselves and begin again. We need not wait for tomorrow. We can head for the sink and drink an ice cold glass of water and compliment ourselves for starting again with cleansing water. Then, do something little that is an accomplishment. It doesn't have to be food related, it could be sorting our the top five pages on every stack of paper you have in the house. What it is doesn't matter. What matters is that even the smallest of successes can help up feel better about ourselves, which in turn leads to a better sense of self and builds the courage to choose differently the next moment we are challenged with food. You WILL succeed.
    2218 days ago
    I'm very sorry you are hurting inside. emoticon I have found it's easier to make positive changes when I'm loving myself. And I'm a big proponent of babysteps. Don't try to change too much at once. Change one small thing at a time. The progress is slow, but it doesn't turn your life inside out. I've babystepped my way to losing 60 pounds over 18 months, and I'm maintaining.

    I wish you success and a return to joy. Most of all I would encourage you to love yourself and be gentle with yourself.

    Blessed Be, Amanda emoticon
    2218 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    Don't give up on yourself! There are lots of emoticon out there pulling for you and will carry you along until you're ready to take over for yourself. emoticon
    2218 days ago
    emoticon Just don't give up. Don't give up on yourself. Everyday is a chance to start again.
    2218 days ago
    2218 days ago
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