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In Pursuit of a Sensible Bathing Suit

Monday, April 23, 2012

Well, it's that time of year again that we all dread. . . swimsuit season. I pulled out my swimsuit that I bought a few years ago only to find that all of the lycra has disappeared and i can actually see through the back of it in spots! Time to go through all of the agony of of trying on and finding a bathing suit that fits and flatters. I think that's an oxymoron!

I found it interesting that I received this email from a dear friend of mine today that I hope will start off your week with a laugh, and get you into the right frame of mind if you too must wander in search of the "perfect suit" for the upcoming summer.

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.
They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia,
or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer
range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The
first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the
added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one,
you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe
at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took
a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The
mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her
chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched
toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from,
the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain,
"Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to
show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like
a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the
appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills
and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets
and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a
jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought
I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.

Finally, I found a suit that fit. It was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home...I found a label that read, "Material might
become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of
water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans
and a T-shirt!

I hope you're laughing with me by this time.... Now if you'll excuse me I think I need a martini. . .

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance
in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

Happy Shopping!!!!

**Source Unkown**
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LBALZA05
    That was the BEST!
    2242 days ago
  • SAMI199
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2244 days ago
    LOL - that was hilarious! If you're still looking for a suit, a friend of mine actually sent me this link today:
    19226174#rr - I'm thinking of buying one for myself!

    2248 days ago
    Thanks for the laugh! The Playdoh/clingwrap line was my favorite! emoticon
    2248 days ago
  • CRESHA20
    This was hilarious. Thanks for sharing.
    2249 days ago
    I am cracking up laughing! Thank you so much for this post!

    On the subject - I found tank top style tankini's and girl cut board shorts that not only fit, they were not see thru in water AND very reasonably priced. Second year on one set, third year on another and bought another for this year just because I was bored with the ones I had! Can never have to many suits here.
    2249 days ago
    I have always wondered by bathing suits are made to mash my boobs down like that!!! It is so frustrating. That and I am 5'10" so a one piece is a nightmare for me. They are always too short in the body portion so tend to pull my boobs down even more. A long tankini seems to have solved this for me to some degree. I burn when it is cloudy so I rarely wear a suit anyway thank goodness. What a funny story!
    2249 days ago
    emoticon This is so funny and true. I don't like shopping for much of anything for a lot of the same reasons but bathing suits are definitely the worse.
    2249 days ago
    OMG! That was so funny and as I am going to Hawaii in September I will be feeling this pain soon. I shared aloud with my co-workers and we're all thankful that you shared!

    Thanks Again,
    KG emoticon
    2250 days ago
    Very funny! (mostly because it's so true!)

    You can buy chlorine resistant bathing suits from many specialty shops. They are more expensive but they last longer and thereby cut down on the frequency of the search for the sensible suit. Just a suggestion.
    2250 days ago
    I'm wiping the tears from eyes. That was hilarious!
    2250 days ago
    Trying hard not to laugh out loud at work
    2251 days ago
    emoticon Thanks for the laugh!
    2251 days ago
    Hilarious! The last time I got one, I think was from Lands End, BTW!
    2251 days ago
    LOL that's right you were the one who told me about H20. I am going to place an internet order one of these days.
    2251 days ago
  • 41SUSAN14
    2252 days ago
    emoticon Thank you for sharing. With your help I will keep smiling through my trying on emoticon
    2252 days ago
    Ah yes, the swimsuit season. emoticon Your blog just made my day!
    2252 days ago
    That was very funny. Thanks for sharing it.
    2252 days ago
    Giggling one more time!
    2252 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/23/2012 8:54:02 PM
    ROTFLACGU!!! Oh my! I think I lost At least 3# laughing and the jiggle of my midriff must be allowed to count for fitness minutes.

    I have a friend that was in the fitting room trying on a swimsuit and heard her squeal in a medium loud voice, "there's a fat lady in the fitting room with me...Oh! That's no fat's just me!" This really happened. I thought I would double over from lack of breath I laughed so hard!

    Thanks for the welcome giggle!!! BevBear
    2252 days ago
    I am currently looking for a swimsuit too, something I can wear to the swimming pool. I suggest you google 'chlorine resistant swimsuit'. I looked at TYR and H2O. Good luck!
    2252 days ago
    Here's to LLBean and my measuring tape! I abhor shopping for clothing... but I have my new bathing suit! And you gave me a great giggle! Congrats on your find.
    2252 days ago
    I got really lucky last year... I scored a plain black one piece with chest support and a low-cut hip that covers everything and holds it all in without squishing everything out of the back.

    I'm a little scared it'll be too big this year, but I'm doubting I'm THAT luck!
    2252 days ago
    LOL Oh my goodness, thank you so much for going through that ordeal so I don't have to. My in-laws just got a pool, and, even though we live about 5 hours away from them, they are eager for us to visit and enjoy it. At my weight and with my body image, the words "pool" and "enjoy" aren't even in the same galaxy. I have been anxious about shopping for a bathing suit. I have always worn shorts and a t-shirt in their hottub. I feel stupid doing it, but not stupid enough to wear a suit instead. I am sticking with that combo for the pool and will not go through that self-esteem crushing exercise of swimsuit shopping until it can make me feel proud of myself instead.
    2252 days ago
  • CMW123
    well, you could always wear your Victorian Dandy best and shop here
    You will fit right in with the Steampunk crowd.

    or you could always just go with what passes for fashion today and buy a Quadrangle swimsuit in which it hangs crooked on your body and looks as if your butt is eating the bottoms. (unfortunately, I can not find a website with a picture of this monstrosity! but if you are on FB, no doubt you will come across it) emoticon emoticon
    2252 days ago
    : )))
    I had a really horrible evening and I'm very tired but you made me laugh!
    The jellyfish in mourning got me.

    Don't lose hope!
    Try to attack swimsuit stores sometimes, you may find really good ones unexpectedly.
    This happened to me last summer, after wearing old out of shape swimsuits for 4 years: I had some free time between two medical appointments, went for a walk - and saw the Perfect Bikinis in the window of a small shop! Of course they were not my size, but found and bought 2 (!) other Perfect Bikinis with bra cups, and -miraculously - they still fit me.
    2252 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/23/2012 4:59:47 PM
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