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Broken record ...

Monday, April 23, 2012

It seems all I can do is repeat the same crappy horrible cycle over and over and over again. I get motivated, I feel like a rockstar ... something sets me off (roommate, news from an ex, someone skinny and gorgeous getting attention and me getting the door slammed in my face, etc). Then I find myself eating again. And I can *tell* my body isn't liking this cycle.

and I'll be honest I hate writing these blogs. I hate feeling like this. I sit here being swallowed by guilt and self loathing and I'm so ASHAMED that I've let myself get back here. Yet with all these bad feelings, my own two feet walk themselves to the store and buy my trigger foods.

So I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm not interesting. I have nothing supportive to say. I can't even motivate myself... how the F am I going to motivate anyone else? I just have "whine whine whine I'm a weak baby poor me wahh wahh". That's pretty much what my (sparse) blogs have felt like.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Why can I not get my sh*t together?

So here we go. I'm going to try again. and again. and again. Thankfully I'm stubborn. Sometimes that helps more than hurts but... I can keep trying.

I'm looking at my goals for 2011:
*run my first HM - nope.
* complete another triathlon. ... -nope
* go to Italy! ... -nope
* be brave enough to spend an entire day at the beach in a bathing suit (no cover up). Ish. I suppose. I just pretend no one can see me. It works. Mostly.

I need to find a way to fix this. I can't spend another year gaining weigh back. I don't want to stay at this weight either. I need to find SOMETHING that clicks in my brain.

I'm really gonna have to dig to find it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KARVY09
    Love ya, that's all. And I've been there.
    2186 days ago
    Good to see you back though
    2186 days ago
    I've missed you Shweetums! *smooch!*

    I know this ride. Breathtaking ups, followed by nauseating downs. Blargh.

    I know that for me, when I stop tracking is when I face-plant. (So why the #&$@ do I keep stoppping???) For the last couple of years, my SIL and I have been committed to checking each other's tracking EVERY DAY. Boy... keeps you honest. Sometimes we still fall apart a bit, but it seems to be getting a little more consistent each time. Which is good since, like you, I can tell my body is NOT digging this up and down nonsense.

    Anyway, patience is a virtue (barf), and the less I beat myself up, the more successful I seem to be.

    You know you can do this, because you've DONE it. You are a rockstar to me, no matter what!
    2189 days ago
    I haven't been off to a great start myself. BUT...My friend and I ARE slowly trickling our workouts in the last couple weeks. Want to join us (virtually)?

    You can't stop. I love that you play the horn like my daughter. That alone means ya can't stop! LOL (she plays LaMis like a BEAST)

    So, don't beat yourself up too you can see from the comments we have ALL been there....more than once. it's mainly mental so once we ever get past this...we'll get it.

    Just don't quit!! Use US as your support. Got it?

    Now, go play me LaMis and give me 20!!!

    2190 days ago
    I am with Sheila on this. You had a traumatic thing happen to your body. How is it really doing? How is "YOU" really doing after being thrown through the street? It wasn't just your body, it was YOU. Great big hugs that you are still here, Mere. Love you so much, you beautiful music-maker.
    So, love yourself where you are and work on the 5% and 10% bits. Even just the 10 minutes a day type goals.

    2190 days ago
    You and me, girl... you and me. We're gonna beat this beast back together, my gorgeous friend.

    2190 days ago
  • MAGPIE17
    Mere, I'm so sorry you're struggling. You're a smart, talented, beautiful woman, and I know you have it in you to reach your goals. Great, big, gigantic hugs, lovely! I'm here if you need me!
    2190 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    Hi there Mere - how's the bod? Have you healed completely from that accident? Instead of beating yourself up over the big picture, can you step back and do the 5percent or the 10percent story for however many weeks it takes, and then rinse and repeat until you get closer and closer and realise just how great this *can* feel and that you are cracking it?

    Just a thought
    Hugs xxx

    (good to see you back)
    2190 days ago
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