Sad scuba diver over here :(
Sunday, April 22, 2012
So it's been a week since I 'woke' up and the first 5 days went really well and then I went scuba diving. This was one of the most humiliating things I have done in a long long time. I tend not to put myself in situations that could make me feel bad but boy did this one make me feel terrible!
So this was the first of the sea dives and to do it we had to put on a full length wet suit. I don't know how many of you have been in these but I'm fairly sure they were created by the devil just so he can sit back and smile. So after struggling and I do mean struggling, there was lots of jumping around, getting my younger, weight lifting brothers to tug it up ect ect, I finally get into the damn thing. My brother very aptly described it as pulling on a second skin. It's horrible. Once it was on I felt incredibly claustrophobic. Add to that the BCD which holds the tank and then..then I had to put on my weight belt.
For those of you who are sane enough not to do scuba diving, you need a weight belt to ...weigh you down basically. In salt water you need more weights that in the pool. With a full length wet suit on you need even more weights as the suit adds buoyancy. Add to that the fact that I have more fat anyway, thus more likely to float and my weight belt was 12kg, plus 2kg in my pockets. so I'm struggling down the incredibly long beach to the sea, carrying flippers and snorkel and trying to stay upright with a good 30kg extra on me while being trapped in the evil suit of doom.
All goes well until we get to an exercise where you have to release the weight belt, hold it in front of you to show the instructor and then put it back on. Please note that I needed help to put the belt on when we were on dry land. So I release the belt, the 12kg that was snugly fitted around my hips and so spaced around my body is now in front of me, my center of balance goes wild and I'm kicking manically to stay upright. I'm holding the belt with two hands and then have to somehow pass it under my legs and put it back on. I swallowed so much salt water I nearly threw up. I physically cannot hold onto 12kg in one hand long enough to pass it to the other hand and refasten it. My instructor didn't seem to understand the problem and just kept showing me the same method, which requires using one hand and then the other. I was on the verge of tears when he finally called quits and said we'll do it next time.
I felt like a failure. a big fat failure. If I wasn't so fat I wouldn't have this problem. I'd be carrying less weights which I could hold in one hand and it would be fine. Passing it around me is also a problem because not only do you have my bulk, I also have the BDC and tank. When I have all the gear on I can't even touch my tank, which everyone else seems able to do too.
So the next session is on Sat. I am dreading it. I have to be able to perform this skill in order to pass the course so in an attempt to make it achievable I am going to wear a shorter weight suit which means less weights are needed but I might be cold. At this point I'm willing to risk being cold to do this one damn thing. If I can just hold it in one hand I'll be able to do it.
So I was mentally beating myself up for being so fat and crap and useless. Instead of having something on plan fr lunch I ate a burger and fries and then had a chocolate easter egg for dinner. The next day started off well but devolved into cereal for lunch, caramel popcorn at the cinema and a wispa, so yet more chocolate for tea.
In punishment I came down with the worst migraine I've ever had. I wasn't sure I'd even make it into work today but here I am on the tail end with nausea, shakes and dizziness. I blame the popcorn.
I lost 4 lbs this week, even with the weekend disaster but I don't feel good. I feel trapped in that moment in the middle of the sea with 5 people looking at me, people who have all done the exercise that I can't and frustration is bubbling in me, tears are forming and I feel like I was stupid to try and learn a new skill. That fat people shouldn't scuba dive and I'm fooling myself.