Random thoughts on a friday

I liked the quote from ralph waldo emerson:

"What you do speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say"...

Made a little twist for those obsessed with body image and it is "What you do shines so brightly that I can´t see what you look like"(Meddypeddy )

That said I have had some childhood feelings awakened and it hurts.

I was never an attractive child or young girl. I was never the girl the guys wanted to date or dance with or go steady with. I have no idea why, I looked ok and I was nice and I was interested - but it never happened. I had a platonic crush for a lot of young men and it always stayed platonic. The affairs I had was more one-night stands and sudden sex than long lasting love-relations. The one long lasting love affair I did have was with the father of my child, it lasted seven years and it ended in an emotional catastrophe that I am still trying to recover from.

Now I have this guy that I really like and he likes me too - as a friend. There are many people that really likes me as a friend. This guy is my age and I can´t deny that I carry a secret wish that something more could grow from it. He is in my study group - and there is also this really cute and adorable woman. Ten years younger, cute looking and with a very soft and loveable personality - much more "female" than me who is somewhat blunt, brutal, smart and funny.

And I can see that this guy is drawn to her and will probably start a love realtion if she answers his interest. It hurts. I think that he could have had the same towards me, had I been better looking and more "girlish" I am not and I am fine with being me, I love my friends, my daughter my activities and from the relation with the father of my child I know that the cost of a relation is high. I am not sure that I am willing to pay that for the possibilty to be close in love.

It awakens the feeling of being rejected and unloved. It hurts and it makes me feeling ashamed that I carry that hope and that I am too unattractive to have a chance. And as I have decided to share the shameful feelings I need to do that.

Wow, to admit that immediately creates energy - this really works!

Next problem - I am sort of proud that I live on nothing (will write a book about "The poverty diet, get slim in a month without money!") but I got that note about how much money I will get on payday (25 april) and started to estimate a budget... and realised that it will be very hard to make ends meet yet another month. Instead of being happy that it is possible although hard, my anxiety about money awakens again.

I think I will use Katarina of Siena for this, have done it once before and it worked. Based on that the anxiety is my childhood ghosts of not being good enough I will write from Katerina of Siena for 30 days. I have this book "Freed of fear" with quotes from her. She was born 1347 and was the first woman to have a book in italian dialect. She was a remarkable person and (I think) an early feminist.

When I suffered from anxiety I copied a text from this book every day - I used a beautiful notebook and worked to write as beautiful as I could. The content is not that important or unique, it says that God love me and I can trust him to push away my fear... to do this every day for 30 days helped my anxiety last time I did it (2007 I think) I will do it again to see what happens.

My biggest cncern today has been if I should attend the health course or not - I could save the gas and I do not think that there is that much information that I need. A compromise will be to bring the bike and park 30 minutes away from the town center - that will save some gas and I want to deepen my contact with the other ladies so I think that will be it.

I am very happy for a friend today - she got breastcncer but yesterday the result from her skeleton x-ray came and said that there was nothing there... wonderful, she might get full recovery! Still chemotherapy to endure but there is hope that that would be sufficient to end the cancer.

I think my english today is weird and wrong - hope you get my meaning anyway!