Addictions and Choices!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I've been M.I.A for awhile. I keep trying to make a comeback, my head has been able to bob up to the surface on occassion only to sink back under the waves of overwhelming emotions.

Here I am, on my official weigh-in day and I am 10lbs heavier than I was 3.5 weeks ago. Why? Addictions and Choices!

At first I was thinking the addiction wasn't mine but that I was only making bad choices in dealing with someone else's addictions. Well, I was wrong.

Easter Sunday I received a panicked phone call from someone letting me know that a loved one had OD'd and they didn't know what to do. I hurried over and saw a sight I hadn't seen before. My loved one stumbling around, mumbling non-sensical words, bumps and bruises all over the body from many falls and incapable of doing anything for themself. We made the decision to go to the ER.

I spent 7 hours that day sitting there, worried about this person. Going over their life and seeing a pattern of addiction and hoping, praying, that this time would be the rock bottom that would spur a change.

Since that day I have been closely involved in the daily life of my loved one. Giving support to them and their spouse in this very difficult trying time, making appointments with counselors, doctors and even attending some of those appointments.

The day after Easter I was able to somewhat stay on track. I didn't eat 100% on plan but the stress of it all did lead me to do three different workouts on my treadmill, an escape, where I cried as I walked.

I've allowed those feelings of stress, overwhelming worry and chaos to take over, derail me and pull me under. During the past 10 days of much thought I've realized that my loved one is not the only one with an addiction, I am an addict too!

Three days ago I was invited to sit with my loved one, their spouse and a spiritual advisor for a 2.5 hour counseling appointment. Were we there for them? Because I really felt most of the counsel was given for ME! Things I needed to hear to pull me off my trail of destruction!

Oh, I'm not being destructed by alchohol, and there is no addiction to nicotine or pot or perscription drugs or even to street drugs. My drug of choice is much cheaper and readily available than any of those and it's socially (and legally) acceptable. My addiction is to food!

I heard my loved one say that it wasn't the taste or the smell that set off the addiction this time around. It wasn't sought out because of any craving. It was used because of feelings, emotions and wanting to feel better and make those go away.

Do those feelings, emotions, or situations that brought them on truly go away after succumbing to the drug of choice? NO! Not only do they NOT go away but things are worse, usually drastically so!

So food, specifically sweets and peanut M&M's, were sought out on my part. Did I seek them because they taste good? NO! Well, they do taste good but I've known they taste good for the last 15 weeks but have been able to stay away. Just like my loved one, I took those foods to escape, to feel better! Did they make me feel better? NO!

As the past 10 days went on I saw my healthy habits slowly slipping away the longer I caved into my drug! The first day I justified a little bit, just to add a little enjoyment to my day BUT I did do 90 minutes of workouts. The next day my workouts were drastically decreased but the sugar increased (I specifically went to the store hunting for 50% reducsed Easter sweets). And now, looking back at my week and getting ready to log in for my BL challenge I realize I haven't exercised at all! Not one minute of cardio, not even a squat (well except the ones I do while unloading the dishwasher). The sweet taste of my drugs no longer hold enjoyment. The true sweetness is only appreciated after the first few bites after that the taste is almost non-existant and it becomes just the action of eating. My drug choice, after 10 days of increasing doses, has left me 10lbs heavier, made me feel physically sick and has facilitated a lazier even more depressed attitude than before.

Did I truly think a LARGE back of M$M's would give me the energy and strength to deal with life? NO! But a 30-60 minute workout would have!

It all comes down to choices. Addictions are there, they are reality and MANY deal with them in their various nasty and ugly forms. But I DO KNOW that I AM STRONGER than an addiction! Is an addiction easy to break? No but it can be done!

My loved one has a serious addiction but it can be broken by choices. Choices:
*to stay away from where those things are
*to continue visits with doctors and counselors
*to attend an addiction program
*to admit there is a problem
*to seek help from his spiritual advisor and loved ones
But more importantly
*to WANT there to be a change

My addiction to food can also ONLY be broken by my choices. Choices I have to make daily, even hourly or by the minute. Choices:
*to keep my drug of choice out of the house
*to keep appointments with doctors and possibly counselors
*to seek help from my family, loved ones and friends (including Sparkers)
*to take on only what I truly and healthfully can handle
*to admit there is a problem
*to WANT to change

During this challenging time I admitted to my 13yo daughter that I was having a hard time staying away from bad foods. I said, "Why do I always turn to food when things get rough?" "Doesn't everyone?" was her response. Oh my goodness, what have I created? Another generation of food addicts?!!! "No", I quickly responded, "A lot of people turn to other things, exercise, reading, a hobby, etc... I'm working on being one of those other people." I hope that sunk in with her. But more than my words making that wanted impact it all comes down to her seeing my better CHOICES.


Sorry for the long post. I hope it made sense. I needed to write/post something for me to be able to work through this.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Awesome post!! Sorry it took me so long to get here. One of the hardest things is realizing that we can be addicted to food and how it makes us feel. It is definitely an effective way of smushing emotions. Choices are not always easy in addiction, but we can choose to start each day new and make the right choices for that day. Hope you are doing well and that the loved one is on the path to recovery.
    2523 days ago
  • DEBLYNN323
    Great blog! Your words definitely caused me to take a step back and observe my own behaviors.

    You can do this! Get back on track and roar like a White Tiger!
    2553 days ago
    Thanks for this blog! I know many of us relate fully. Either we we are addicted or have loved ones that suffer.

    Dealing with our food demons is no easier than dealing with alcohol, drugs, or any other unhealthy substance. In my opinion, it's harder for the reasons you list above. It's cheap, easily accessible and socially acceptable.

    You are not creating bad habits in your daughter. I am sure she wasn't referring to you but rather all the images on television, magazines and her friends. The marketing that this food will make you feel good is very overpowering. Don't worry! She will learn by seeing you that she's getting very bad information.

    It's awesome that you have a plan. And maybe most importantly, you are aware. We can fight and deal with what we know.

    I know you CAN and WILL do this! You are AMAZING!

    *really big hugs*
    2556 days ago
    Thank you for sharing! I posted a similar blog a few days ago, so it's nice not feeling alone. Food addiction is hard, because you have to eat! So getting all food out of the house isn't an option. But I know we'll be stronger in the end if we keep fighting! My best to you and those you love! emoticon
    2557 days ago
    Krista so glad to see u back!! Its very hard going through what u are going through!! I know too well!! I struggle with addictions also!! I know I cannot keep chocolate or sweets in my house!! I went in Walmart and saw the easter candy 50% off but i steered away this year!! Other years I wasn't as lucky!! Our addictions will never go away but we will become stronger!! U made the step in the right direction!! I know u will learn from ur mistakes and u dit it before it got outta hand!! emoticon emoticon
    2557 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    It made a lot of sense. While I wouldn't wish for anyone to have to deal with a loved one fighting an addiction, perhaps that and these 10 days have given you something you really needed in order to fight and move forward.

    Here you are - you've admitted there is a problem, you want to change. You're already on your way.

    2557 days ago
  • MISSG180
    Times of stress are really, really hard to deal with, and it makes sense that you fell back onto your most comforting habit.

    The awesome thing is that you recognized it in less than a month and got back here to deal with it. That's HUGE. Many times when we go into denial, it's a year or more and everything gained back before we wake up. You didn't do that.

    It's not easy, but you have resources. We're here for you. You rock, and I admire you very much for getting a grip and coming back.
    2557 days ago
    Thanks for posting this. I know you needed to write it and I know I needed to read it. Your daughter's response made me cry. It would have been something I said at that age. I wish good luck and progress for your family member and for you.

    2557 days ago
    Krista, I wondered where you had been. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. You can learn from this week. I hope that you will use prayer and whatever help you can to be the strong woman that you can become. You can use this to keep moving forward. I am kidding myself if I don't admit that I am there at times. I have eaten kisses and other Easter Candy.

    Let's keep moving forward together.
    2558 days ago
    Krista, Sorry to hear about your loved one's struggles and yours as well. Remember--You are not alone! I too have struggled this past week with using food to cope and I was up 14 pounds! I keep having to relearn that food is never the answer. Your insight will help change your course back in the right direction. No journey is one smooth path. This is a lifetime journey so look at the big picture--this was only one week out of the rest of your life! Nothing that a course change can't fix. Let's get both of our ships turned around. Let's do this together! emoticon
    2558 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/18/2012 9:16:24 PM
    I'm sorry to hear about your family member, I hope everything works out for them. It sounds like you've been struggling, but it also sounds like you've really processed all of it and have a plan, that's great! hang in there girlie, we're all here for you! *HUGS*
    2558 days ago
    I'm so glad you blogged about this. Sometimes it helps just to get it out there. I hope your loved one is doing better, I know how hard that can be. My mom is an alcoholic in complete denial and I've struggled this week with it too. Was there a full moon or something? I'm about to full moon the situation, I know that! ha! Anyway, hang in there, we're all here for you. :)
    2558 days ago
    emoticon The first step to recovery, is knowing there is a problem. Way to go in admitting it and taking control.
    2558 days ago
  • JAMIEJO7825
    Thank you so much for this. I am currently going through the same thing, the same addication and trying to figure it out. I needed to read this and I am thankful you posted it.
    2558 days ago

    Hang in there, dude.

    I've had to learn those lessons over and over, and I suspect I'm still not done learning them.

    It was good for me to read this, because I'm struggling myself, at the moment.

    2558 days ago
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