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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

First of all yay me! I woke my tired butt out of bed this morning & walked my butt off. I walked down to the park and sat & meditated, then walked once around the walking track they have & then walked back home. For just a smidgen over 2 miles. As soon as I started walking I felt like crap. My muscles ached and complained. My mind kept giving me negative excuses that I couldnt do it. I should turn and go home, take a shorter walk, etc.. but I didn't give up. I pushed myself and made it. & I feel amazing for it. And once my muscles started working it became easier. On the way home I felt energized and even walked faster home then I did getting there & wasn't in as much pain. I think honestly it is far more my mind then my body that I am fighting with.

I have a few different blogs, one for moxierat.blogspot
my pets & then a spiritual/witchy blog moonkissedraven.blogspot
. On my witchcraft blog I am doing this pagan blog project where you go through the alphabet and blog about different witchy related topics. This week was the letter H & for it I chose the word healing. I felt it was strong enough to cross post because alot of it has to do with my same old weight/health issues.

I struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia. Alot of it stems with control issues. I want everything to be perfect and happy & within my control. But life just isn't like that. You plan and expect a rose and you get a thorn. And while I Know this to be the case rationally I still struggle.

I stumbled upon this blog:
e/ that led me to this article:
Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect. I so suggest reading it.

"We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.
We all need to feel worthy of love and belonging, and our worthiness is on the line when we feel like we are never ___ enough (you can fill in the blank: thin, beautiful, smart, extraordinary, talented, popular, promoted, admired, accomplished).
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it's a shield. Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from being seen and taking flight."

Honesty ~ I have been hurt. I have been let down. I have been broken. I have been filled with fear. And more then anything else I just want to feel safe and protected. I can't move forward, I can't find my courage or strength I can't begin to heal...because I haven't let go of all that is holding me down.

I need to be able to heal, inside and out.

I have a black thumb. I kill plants :( But I have two beautiful orchids that are still alive! It is a miracle. One of the stems began to turn yellow and I read that it meant that it was dying. I needed to cut away that stem so that the plant could use its strength to grow stronger and bloom again.

I think that is the same thing. Right now I am throwing so much of my energy into my pain & fear that it is stifling my growth. I have to let go, cut away all of that negativity that suffocates me so that I can continue to grow.

Just as I wrote in the other blog entry I linked above, one of my issues has been that in my darkest, most painful time I have turned away from my spirituality, away from the Goddess.Instead I need to turn to the Goddess and begin to heal with Her. With hope, faith, courage and love for myself and the Goddess I can heal & grow.

Only in the darkness can you see the stars.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I think healing is as simple as just going from point A to B. It takes time, & growth on its own. I kindof think of it as a descent into the inner most of my being. The dark cave where the Crone Goddess rules and has wisdom & guidance to share if you are willing to face the fear of the darkness and unknown and face your reflection. It is the journey to the underworld where you have to cut ties and die to be reborn.

Acknowledging the pain, being honest with myself and baring my heart & soul.
Forgiveness of myself and others and the universe. At the very least myself. Realizing what mistakes I have made & learning from them and at the same time seeing the things that were not my fault. That I was the victim and I can't hate myself for what has happened to me, what was done to me.
They say that nature abhors a vacuum. I can remove, banish, release all the pain but I have to fill it with something positive in turn.

I was reading eslewhere about a god box. Where you write your worries on little pieces of paper and put them in the box. I like the concept. I have this beautiful little candle holder that is shaped like a lantern and reminded me of the element of air. I just bought it and wasn't sure what I would do with it just yet. I will let it hold the little pieces of paper- my worries. I will take them and set them free.

I am planning some rituals for release & healing on the New & Full Moons.

Every morning & night I will pray/meditate and do affirmations. I spend so much of each day putting myself down, tearing myself apart, focusing on the negative. Instead I will focus on the positive, the beauty, love, strength, courage, etc...

I created the above image from an Amazing site called I love it to create words images for spellwork & it works really well for these positive affirmation words.

This site
nerator has some great ideas & tips for working with affirmations.

This post was inspired by the Pagan Blog Project -Letter H
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon on the walk!

    Definitely some interesting thoughts on healing.
    2231 days ago
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