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I'm Selfish

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I have never put my own wants or needs before anyone else's. In 35 years of my existance I have always done what I think is right, even means if it's not right for me. But I'm afraid of letting people down, or what will they think of me. So when I'm learning to take care of myself and do things for me it feels foreign.

I remember when my husband went into recovery I was so angry with him and the whole situation. I was hurt and angry with him from all the damage he'd cause to me and our life and now that he was getting clean I felt like I just had to stop the world and wait for him. Of course I know now looking back I had the choice to walk away but I didn't. But I do remember hating how selfish he was being. In family group one time I remember saying that I hated how selfish he was being now that he was recovering. I was thrilled that he was finally getting over the one thing he loved more than me, and if you haven't lived it I'm sure it looks like I'm the selfish one. Because seriously who would think so bad of someone trying to get his life together right? Well unless you live it you really don't understand it. And his Counselor who happens to be one of my most favorite person in the world. We actually named our youngest after her. Told me that Recovery HAS to be a selfish process. Because addiction in ANY form is such a strong bond. She told me that my husband would have to put himself first because he's having to relearn everything about himself.

Ok so now that that rant is over let me get to the point of that ramble. I did resent it...resented him. He's been clean for 6 years now and there are times where the world must stop so that he can get his bearings back. And now that I have taken control of my own life I 100% get it. I get that in order to get healthy and to switch your life choices to take this journey you HAVE to be selfish at times.

I know there are times I've dragged the boys to the gym when they didn't want to go because I needed to go. It's amazing when you start this routine and your head feels clear and your body feels stronger how much you look forward to going back. The gym is my therapy, I can go and focus on me. I get to have 60 mins of ME time. And it feels amazing. Am I harming the boys by making them do something they don't want to do? NO! How do I know this? Because when I go pick them up from the kids club they all get mad it's time to leave and ask me if there's a class I can go take lol.

I'm finding that my selfishness is extending past the gym. I'm doing what's right for me. I will listen to peoples opinions but they do not weigh as much on me as they used to. Now I make decisions that are good for me and if it upset's people I'm ok with that. As long as it's good for my family I'm good. The biggest thing right now is my running roller coaster. I'm doing C25K and I'm loving it. I'm training for my first half marathon in October. And I'm proud of myself. Really honestly proud of myself. I feel it! I walk taller, I smile more. I just feel good.

I was looking on the internet for some new affirmations about getting fit and running and such. I know if I have something to look at that speaks to me I can get through the rough times. I'm sure that sounds silly but you know what...I'll take what works for me, no matter how silly it sounds. You know the saying Fake it till you make it? Well there are those days too.
Sorry back on track here, so I was looking for fun sayings like Run like a girl and stuff...And I found "Run like a Mother" I LOVED it!!! I was like OMG this is so me! Then I found out it's not just a saying. It's a whole running program with 5K races and such. So I looked and found out they run on mothers day.

Here's where my selfishness comes in big time. I'm intrigued...really intrigued! I want to run this! It's honestly speaking to me. And one of the races are close to me. So I posted it to my facebook page with a this would be so much fun, is anyone else interested? And my sister in law post's back.... I love you but maybe you should try to come see your mom instead. Background here. I love my mom so much, I talk to her every day and she lives 2 hours away from me. I haven't spent mothers day with her in 2 years. Mother's day was my grandmas holiday. We would get together and go to breakfast then drive to Reno and spend the day and eat dinner together. We have many many good memories. When my grandma passed away 3 years ago the need to have "mothers day" went away. My mom and I were ok with that. It's just the way it is...it's too painful. So I have decided that I want to run this 5K on mothers day but I want to make sure my mom won't be upset that I'm not coming to see her. And we had a great conversation and we are on the same page about mothers day being my grandmas deal. And she's so excited that I want to do this AND she's making my dad bring her to the race. It's in Sacramento...where my grandparents lived....She wants to come and we'll do the race and then were going to go eat at the restaurant that my grandparents took us on mothers day. We talked and laughed and cried...and I feel like this is meant to be. That somethings pulling this all together.

So my selfishness now has myself and at least 3 of my friends starting this new mothers day tradition. My selfishness has me and my mom excited about Mothers Day for the first time in 3 years. And now my negative sister in law has decided that she might want to come and root me on!

It's crazy how good things come together when you decide to do what's right for you! And if that makes me selfish.....I'm ok with that!
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