If any of you have wondered where I have been, thank you :D It’s nice to feel missed. My life has much mirrored lyrics of the song “Firework” by Katy Perry.
I will run through some lyrics and explain how it’s reflected in my life:
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?”
During the past couple weeks life has had many challenges, which I have no control over.
I was supposed to be doing some military training this week that was focusing on Operation (ie the things we do in Afghanistan). When I began to read the training package I read a part about vehicle convoys (traveling in groups of military vehicles). As many of you know I suffer from PTSD from my experiences in Afghanistan, my coping mechanism has primarily been avoidance, which has mostly worked thus far; however, when having to face specific situations (as this training package did) I had no choice but to relive some horrific memories. It was then that I realized that I would not be able to take part in this military training. Unfortunately it consists of some necessary training I require as a Police Officer. Police specific training does not bother me, it is the Operations training that triggers my memories. I addressed the issue with my chain of command (COC) and was met with some resistance; however, I know where my line is and my mental health is priority for me. I informed my COC of my intentions to address this with my Mental Health provider and would not likely be taking part in this training.
“Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?”
Upon my return for a Tim Hortons visit (yes, I am a Police Officer, lol) I was called into my Sergeants office and notified that I am Posted (ie. I will be working) to North Bay. This is approximately 3 hrs away from where I am currently employed. My family (Common Law husband, 2 biological children and one step child) all live with me and have a life separate from the military. I have only been here for 8 months and do not want to have to move my whole family again. Its not far enough that I will have to move my family; however, I will have to be away from then while I work (five days at a time) and home on my days off. Being away from my family is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, my children already suffer from separation anxiety because of me being in Afghanistan, so this is just another thing that the poor things have to face.
A child of a Serving Military member has more strength in her little Pinky then many grown men in their entire body...
“You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow”
I have my faith in God to pull me through; however, so much is going on I don’t even know what to pray for half of the time. I have to admit there was a time last week where I was in a very dark place, I spoke with Snowflake and she helped pull me through.
I can only look forward to the Rainbow, and Pray