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The call of the Bread

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I baked bread yesterday - I have a recipe with wheat, rye and whole wheat flour and also apricot, raisin, hazelnuts flaxseed and sunflowerseed - with sour mild and syrup as liquid and I usually eat two slices with butter and ham every morning and this have worked for more than five years.

But I had no sour milk, had only yogurt daughter had left behind and that was flavoured with apple, vanilla and cinnamon. It is more expensive than neutral yogurt and I should buy that and let daughter flavour herself but this is on luxury I want to give her...
And it is usually one box for the weekend she spends with me but it was easter break this time so we got one leftover. Usually i would have thrown that out (not that fond of yogurt myself, especially not flavoured) but i lack of other I used it as fluid in my bread. There is a very vague scent of vanilla and cinnamon from the bread, not unpleasant so from now there won´t be any waste if daughter leaves yogurt!

But that bread was calling to me all evening...eeeeeeaaaaaat me, eeeeeaaaaat me. I even went to the kitchen and looked at it. The form is a little striped so I could count slices and when I did I know that that bread will last until payday if I don´t answer "The call of the bread" and eat more than my breakfast serving

I thought of slicing it and freezing it in servings of two slices – but it is so quickly thawed in the micro when insanity strucks so that would not really help.

I will have to trust program - if I am open, go to meetings and share all my problems, I won´t have to eat on them.

Went to that vernissage 57 kilometers from home yesterday, did not feel that good about it because I realised that I could go three days back and forth to work on the gas I spent... also the friend was sort of whiny when I came, nobody bought things (of course I felt the obligation to buy something, but that is really impossible) and he got nervous but there was a lot of people there which made me thing that I could have stayed at home, I was not really needed... so I had a lot of resentment when I went home, could not share it because no friend answered the phone when I tried so I had to go with my "normal" agenda, that is persuading myself that it was the right thing to do. And it was, I feel like the person I want to be because I would have wanted MY friends to prioritize coming to MY opening show if it was me and I might also have been whiny or confused or whatever when they came, it is not sure that I would show them that I did appreciated them coming. The artist texted later and thanked me for coming.

That situation is not big or important or anything - but it sets of a lot of things inside me that I need to admit accept and leave behind.
And of course a new "problem" presented itself - my dogs daycare woman is appearing to be a possible friend - we talked friday when I picked doggy up and she belongs to my aca group, she has Aspberger and ADHD, she has done a gastric bypass and she is bright and interested in a lot of stuff so there is clearly "friend material" for me there. We talked about being in program and being honest and she said that when she tries to be, people withdraw... I do not have the same experience but on the other hand I am probably more sensitive to accommodating to other peoples moods than her.

So she had texted me asking me to come for a cup of coffee today - and I do have the same problem again - that is gas money and I can´t afford it really. And it sets my codependant mind off - she knows that I went to that vernissage yesterday and if I was willing to spend that money on that friend why am I not willing to spend less money on visiting her?

Because I had told that artist that I would come before I became aware of the true state of my wallet and I could not bear to back off because I know he has a lot of issues with neglect... as does this new friend.

I have the perfect excuse that I will change my tires today - from winter to summer - and that is not a whole day mission but as I am doing it myself and want to clean the car at the same time it is a good enough excuse. BUT it is the truth... I think I will have to search myself what my needs in this is, what action gives me the best feeling?

Thanks for reading.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SILLYHP1953
    When we live in certain childhood situations we become hyper-sensitive. I learned that word from a counselor a few years ago, and had never heard that expression before, and it helped explain things about me to me. I am also hyper-sensitive and it makes honest interaction with other people harder. I think you're doing great, and you are right on target with figuring out what is best for YOU.
    2713 days ago
    I opened your blog first thing this morning, Meddy, probably not long after you posted it. And now I'm so tired I don't think I've gotten half of what you wrote, lol... I'll be back tomorrow and give it a better read. Meantime - you are changing your tires yourself? 'cause m'gawd, girl, you really ARE ambitious!
    p.s. LOVE the clown background!
    2792 days ago
    You stated it pretty well, in the end "search myself what my needs in this is, what action gives me the best feeling? " We spend too much time prioritizing our lives for OTHER PEOPLE and not for US. Not that we should be selfish, but that we have to take care of our own mental health and wellbeing when things are getting rough.

    2792 days ago
    Meddy, The bread does sound wonderful! It would be a real challenge for me. Acceptance is a powerful tool for releasing resentment. I'm sure your artist friend did appreciate your being there; sounds like it was a stressful time for him. Is the new friendship something YOU are attracted to? If so, you will find a way. If taking care of yoursself is a problem to the potential friend; in my opinion, it's not a good fit. Reality is, you don't know that it is a problem for her. One step at a time. Enjoy your day!
    2792 days ago
    It is hard to find balance, especially when you also have to balance meager resources. Friendship is important; it is actually good for your health to have friends as well as pleasant. The woman who sits your dogs sounds like an interesting friendship to develop. I say, go for it!

    Are there other, less expensive ways to get around? I do know know what kind of town you live in. Many places have excellent public transportation that ends up being less expensive than gas and wear and tear on the car. Or you could arrange visits with your new friend before or after aca meetings to combine the drive. Since I live in a rural area, far from everything, I also make 'coffee' dates with friends when I go out shopping. That way, I can enjoy a visit with a friend or two at a coffee shop, then do my groceries shopping.

    Your bread sounds delicious! I often use yogurt to substitute sour cream or sour milk. Also, I add vinegar to milk and let it sit for a few minutes when I need sour milk.

    2793 days ago
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