The call of the Bread
Sunday, April 15, 2012
I baked bread yesterday - I have a recipe with wheat, rye and whole wheat flour and also apricot, raisin, hazelnuts flaxseed and sunflowerseed - with sour mild and syrup as liquid and I usually eat two slices with butter and ham every morning and this have worked for more than five years.
But I had no sour milk, had only yogurt daughter had left behind and that was flavoured with apple, vanilla and cinnamon. It is more expensive than neutral yogurt and I should buy that and let daughter flavour herself but this is on luxury I want to give her...
And it is usually one box for the weekend she spends with me but it was easter break this time so we got one leftover. Usually i would have thrown that out (not that fond of yogurt myself, especially not flavoured) but i lack of other I used it as fluid in my bread. There is a very vague scent of vanilla and cinnamon from the bread, not unpleasant so from now there won´t be any waste if daughter leaves yogurt!
But that bread was calling to me all evening...eeeeeeaaaaaat me, eeeeeaaaaat me. I even went to the kitchen and looked at it. The form is a little striped so I could count slices and when I did I know that that bread will last until payday if I don´t answer "The call of the bread" and eat more than my breakfast serving
I thought of slicing it and freezing it in servings of two slices – but it is so quickly thawed in the micro when insanity strucks so that would not really help.
I will have to trust program - if I am open, go to meetings and share all my problems, I won´t have to eat on them.
Went to that vernissage 57 kilometers from home yesterday, did not feel that good about it because I realised that I could go three days back and forth to work on the gas I spent... also the friend was sort of whiny when I came, nobody bought things (of course I felt the obligation to buy something, but that is really impossible) and he got nervous but there was a lot of people there which made me thing that I could have stayed at home, I was not really needed... so I had a lot of resentment when I went home, could not share it because no friend answered the phone when I tried so I had to go with my "normal" agenda, that is persuading myself that it was the right thing to do. And it was, I feel like the person I want to be because I would have wanted MY friends to prioritize coming to MY opening show if it was me and I might also have been whiny or confused or whatever when they came, it is not sure that I would show them that I did appreciated them coming. The artist texted later and thanked me for coming.
That situation is not big or important or anything - but it sets of a lot of things inside me that I need to admit accept and leave behind.
And of course a new "problem" presented itself - my dogs daycare woman is appearing to be a possible friend - we talked friday when I picked doggy up and she belongs to my aca group, she has Aspberger and ADHD, she has done a gastric bypass and she is bright and interested in a lot of stuff so there is clearly "friend material" for me there. We talked about being in program and being honest and she said that when she tries to be, people withdraw... I do not have the same experience but on the other hand I am probably more sensitive to accommodating to other peoples moods than her.
So she had texted me asking me to come for a cup of coffee today - and I do have the same problem again - that is gas money and I can´t afford it really. And it sets my codependant mind off - she knows that I went to that vernissage yesterday and if I was willing to spend that money on that friend why am I not willing to spend less money on visiting her?
Because I had told that artist that I would come before I became aware of the true state of my wallet and I could not bear to back off because I know he has a lot of issues with neglect... as does this new friend.
I have the perfect excuse that I will change my tires today - from winter to summer - and that is not a whole day mission but as I am doing it myself and want to clean the car at the same time it is a good enough excuse. BUT it is the truth... I think I will have to search myself what my needs in this is, what action gives me the best feeling?
Thanks for reading.