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Who I was, and I will be

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My name is Kristin. I am obese.

Wow, those are incredibly tough words to write on the internet. They are permanently out there now. If you haven't lowered your eyebrows yet, go ahead.

I am 33 years old and currently weigh 227lbs. Brutal honesty? Absolutely.

I am a mother to two wonderful little boys. I love them more than my own life. I have given everything to them. They both have their special needs and I have dedicated every ounce of my being to making them the best they can be. I will continue to do that however, I realized the other day that I am not giving them everything.

I am unable to play with my children. My husband is in charge of that. I cannot wrestle with my kids without getting winded. I cannot throw them in the air or chase them around the backyard. I just can't. My body will not allow me.

Have you ever felt inadequate? A few weeks back, I took JJ to a birthday party at Trampoline World. JJs babysitter came with us and I left that party feeling so worthless. I could hardly play with my son. I crawled into the foam pit with him at one point and could hardly get myself out.

I am not an inadequate mother. I am a great mom. I love my kids. I pray for them, cuddle them, read to them, teach them, correct them and would lay my life down for them. But in this one area, I have been inadequate.

I had nasal surgery almost 3 weeks ago. I have struggled with allergy symptoms (but no allergies) for years and finally the ENT decided that repairing my septum and cutting back my turbinates would be the best bet for me. During the recovery time, I had lots of time to myself. Josh was home with the kids. I lay in bed on percocet, watching movies and eating crackers to stave off nausea. I had lots of time to think.

And think I did.

In typical me fashion, I bashed myself for being lazy. I berated myself for being so overweight and unable to control my eating. Somewhere in my berating a switch got flipped. I realized that I don't have to continue this path.



This is me this past Christmas in California with my inlaws.

Have you ever looked at yourself in a photo and thought "there is no way in HELL I really look like that?!". That was my initial reaction to this picture.

Well, that was me. Then.

As I write this, I still look like that.

But I'm changing.

Months ago, Josh and I began to cut processed foods out of our diet. We have begun to eat as fresh as we can. With kids there is only so much processed food you can get rid of. Hot dogs are a staple in our house (because it's one food we are guaranteed that Elliott will eat) as is mac and cheese. But we have begun to watch the ingredients and really pay attention to what is in our food. If you are curious, take a look at Michael Pollan's book 'In defense of food' You can check it out here - http://michaelpollan.com/books
/in-defense-of-food/. Josh and I made a conscious decision to stop eating low fat food. If we can't pronounce what is in our food, we don't eat it. I don't need to eat chemicals.

I have been blessed to have a number of amazing examples of strength in my life. One is my mom, Lorna. You can read all about her journey here - http://www.redcardinalcoaching
.com/ (it's under the About Us section). A quote that she has used has stuck with me "The only difference between a rut and a grave is the dimensions" ~ Ellen Glasglow. I pinned that to pinterest last night and my best friend Nat commented that another difference is the "ability to decide to get out". Lorna has lovingly consented to being a coach to me during my journey to change my life.

Josh and I completed the financial peace university program last year (www.daveramsey.com) and one of the big slogans is "change your family tree".

Well today, I took the first step to making another change to our family tree. I walked.

I know what you are thinking, big deal you walk everyday. No, I WALKED. Yesterday I bought a jogging stroller so that Elliott and I can get out in the mornings together. Yesterday I bought a pair of asics running shoes. Today, I took Elliott to the doctor to be weighed and I walked. I walked about 20 minutes each way (plus a five minute jaunt over to the clinic to see Daddy at work).

It felt good. On the way home I reflected a bit on my decisions in the past week. I'm excited to be 33, mostly healthy (knees will need some tape before I start jogging) and have this incredible opportunity to change my life.

I have gone on diets before. I have "exercised" before. I'm sure those that have known me for awhile are thinking "what is different this time?" Well, what I determined on the way home today was that every time in the past that I have tried to lose weight, I have done it to look better, be prettier, wear cuter clothes etc. All incredibly superficial reasons.

Today I took a step to be a better mother. I want to be present and active in my children's lives, not sitting on the bench while other people take them to the park and play.

That isn't superficial to me. I have no weight goal this time. I'm looking to simply be active, and yes, I am looking to lose weight but I'm not setting a goal and getting depressed if I don't reach it. Next week (or the week after) I will be starting the Couch 2 5K (C25K) program to start learning to jog and increasing that to running.

I am going slow. But I am going and it's more than I did yesterday, last week, last year.

So, once again why am I writing this out for the world to see?

Because I am proud of myself. For the first time I am truly celebrating ME!!!!!!!!!! I've never really done that before.

For the first time I feel like I deserve to be celebrated. And THAT is a big step for me.

~~ This blog post is taken from my public blog at www.thewildswithin.blogspot.co
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BESTSUSIEYET
    Hooray for an honest beginning! And for getting off on a good start. Most of us here have started before and thrown in the towel ... But eventually found that we wanted to be healthy more than we wanted the old habits. Starting with fresh foods is super! Try SP recipes! So many great ones! One of the statements on my Vivison Page is "Eat Bold, not Bland"! With SP I have learned to do that! No need to eat a boring few things ... god has blessed us with many many wonderful flavorful foods! Enjoy them! Looking forward to cheering you on! Stop by our team threads (or start a new 1!!)
    2793 days ago
  • LOISDESK
    Your blog is great! You've got your mind set and are on the way to the new you! I'm excited for you! Spark teams are a great source of encouragement and motivation! I am on SP everyday and meeting new people, learning new things. It's a great resource & community!

    We are all on this journey together! Let's do it!!
    2794 days ago
  • URLEEC
    That was a great blog post! One foot in front of the other and remember you are worth taking care of.
    2798 days ago
  • RAINOBWWW
    Proud of you, and WELCOME! to Spark people (yup, I capitalize randomly. Grammar Nazis would cringe, hehe ;) )

    Anyhoo, you can do it! If you want us to, we'll hold you accountable. We'll become your own cheer section, and support you every step of the way. There's an AWESOME team, by the way, called Done Being the Fat Girl (it's full of lovely ladies who support each other... ).

    We each have our own problems/ troubles, so don't worry about a wrong start or wrong middle. Just getting started down the healthy path has made you a winner, so emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Good luck, and have fun doing it!

    P.s., there are teams from all over the place, I'm sure you can also find spark teams from your interest/ location. Good luck, have fun, and keep on sparking! emoticon
    2798 days ago
  • CJACK66
    Congrats on taking those first difficult steps to becoming the new Kristin. It's hard, but in the end, totally worth it. My advice to you is to really "work the program". Get involved in a team or two that interests you, read and write blogs to get the feelings out, log your nutrition and fitness EVERY day, and you will se results! Really...you will!

    I wish you luck and success on your journey. I've added you as a friend (hope you don't mind) and I invite you to do the same, if you wish. Lean on your SP friends and ask questions...it's why we are all here.

    Have a great & healthy day, new friend.

    emoticon
    2798 days ago
  • CAVEPRINCESS65
    emoticon and good luck in your journey
    You have a emoticon attitude; keep up the good work
    Do not focus on numbers; focus on how you feel and how your clothes fit.
    Start small and finished big; You ae on the rght track; walking is a great exercise - dont l;et anyone talked you out of it by thinking you have to run or jog to be considered cardio. Do it at your own pace - only you know how far you push your body!
    emoticon emoticon
    2798 days ago
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