Wednesday, April 11, 2012
(WARNING! I am beyond brutally honest. This might trigger you. My intention writing this post was to be brutally honest about what is going on inside of my head right now, and this allows me a way to somehow reach that inner part of me that is so not healed by the trauma I lived.)
The given: I binge when I am overwhelmed by emotional triggers.
What I am learning: My first instinct in my belief system identifies me as someone too weak enough to cope alone. I search rampantly for someone to rely on. When I can't get in touch with someone to "save me" from myself, I get stuck going through the old ways of dealing with trauma.
What my old ways have taught me: I eat to emotionally stuff down the hurt. I eat to feel full. I binge to gorge myself. I binge to satisfy something inside of me that I know I can--the compulsion of eating good food--without taking notice to physical sensations of feeling full.
How this makes me feel: When I fail to use my coping skills I make poor eating choices, this makes me wallow in a pit of despair because I, then, get into a mindset that I've already gone too far and I might as well f*** it up to the max. I loathe that binger inside of me. If I could tear the binger out of my body I honestly would do so to never have to deal with this again. When my out-of-control-self meets my new healthier eating habits, I find utter hatred towards my old-binge-eating-self.
What kind of good has come out of this: I learned that I was upset my old habits got the better part of me.
The damage: I ended up eating four portions (a whole Trader Joe's pizza) and ate a turkey with american cheese roll up. I have also begun eating a Trader Joe's steak burrito (1 serving) , pita chips (1 serving) and seven layer dip (1 serving). I drank Kool-Aid. 2407 Calories
Do I go walk off the extra calories? Do I over-exercise? Do I just take the calories as what it is, and then see how all the calories end up for the week? I don't know.