Tuesday, April 10, 2012
I'm fighting and fighting hard to stay on track.
I have hit that point at which I begin to feel an internal rebelliousness. It's not quite a panic. But I recognize in myself the desire to stuff my emotions. I am not doing so well if fighting that off. And if I don't get a grip I fear that I may never succeed.
I'm having major self-doubts that platitudes can't help. Yes, yes, I know you want to say "you can do it, Barbara!" But just where are the facts to back THAT up?? I'm not "doing it" and I'm fat because I never have done it. Oh, yes. There was a time when I was not just thin but actually fit.
That time passed when I married poorly and my needs were put on a back burner. So I began to stuff my needs with food. And kept stuffing right until he found another wife, before he had unmarried me! And that bad pattern continues.
This is emotional and words aren't helping this. To me this is at the heart of my weight gain and why I haven't lost the weight. Somehow it's tied to my feelings of "not good enough."
Today I have eaten well. But for days I have been off track in a huge way. Today I did things right but it's hard. Today is just hard.