What a day! Long and emotional...sorry

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Ok so I've been taking you on this crazy marathon....wanting to be part of something bigger than me but scared of the fundraising thing. Well this week if you joined Team in Training it's free. Normally it's $100 to register with the Team. I have watched my sister form some amazing friendships with TnT and when the gym and I clicked and I realized that I love going...I actually cried because I got it. I understood that feeling you get when something is just so right. Well this week I have been really thinking about it. I mean really really thinking about WHY this is such a strong desire. And weighing the pros and cons.

I feel like I'm on a marathon roller coaster..I want to run Tinker Bell, but Disneyland would be so fun, but I really need my family and my sister there with me... the Diva run is right now and I can get in...but there's a 5K that would be more realistic...Yeah I'll do that one! But Nike Women's Marathon is in October...UGH! I KNOW that I want to join Team in Training. I think it's an important what LLS does. And honestly I want to be an Alumni to something! I want to make a difference in my own life and help others. I want to know what it feels like to have a team run with you and cheer you on. I want to know what it feels like to cross that finish line!

I was talking to my mom the other morning. I told her as much as I would love to run the Disneyland 1/2 It's just not reality. But I'm really tempted to do Nike. The reason being it's an amazing race, My sister will be running it, and we live 45 mins so I could go to the city the night before and my Guys could stay home and get up on race morning and jump in the car and then meet me at the finish line. It's a cheaper race too. It just makes so much better sense. Oh yeah the materialistic part of me speaking now....You get met at the finish line by a fire fighter presenting you with a Tiffany's necklace.

I've been asking my sister questions about Nike for a few day's now and I really talked to her about it this morning. And she's been talking to people in the office to see if I could qualify for her discount since I'm her family. This morning I pretty much had it in my head I was going to join today. My thought was today was the last day to join for free and I could change my mind at anytime before I start fundraising and I haven't lost anything.

I talk to my Hubz about it..and today didn't start off good for us and this was not the right time to bring it up. But I wanted him to know I was going to join today. Well after a nice heated discussion with me ending up shutting down in tears I decided it's not worth it. Not at all. I don't want the stress of this race to come between us and cause problems. He wants to know what my plan is to fundraise...and when am I going to be able to train with the team, do fundraising and be a full time mom (hubz works 6 day's a week opposite shift of my hours) and do my cub scouting stuff. I have ideas but I cant give you dates! I'll make it work. So I tell him to just forget it, I'm not going to do it this year. After a few mins of me just sitting there holding back the tears he looks at me and say's. You've supported me through everything, and I don't ever want to hold you back from things that are important to you. So sign up today and get all of the information you need and we'll make this happen.

Now I call my recruiter and leave a message, Ok you know it's bad when she calls you back because she recognizes your phone number and say's I saw your number and just called you back...I didn't even listen to your message. So you want to do Nike YAY!!! Ok I know my sister has talked to her now lol. So I'm like yes, now let's get to business because I need to have solid answers for the hubz. I need to know numbers how much do I need to raise....ugh this is the place that hits me right in my heart and has brought a bunch of tears all day and right now as this is being typed they are starting again... she say's I understand that you are a survivor of a blood cancer more thank once.....I get goose bumps, and teary eyed and my breath is knocked out of me. The only answer I can give her is "my sister has a big mouth" to which the answer is yes she does but she's only told me and I haven't said anything to anyone else and I won't unless you say it's ok. Yes I've had lymphoma twice in my life...but I don't consider myself a survivor, I don't deserve that credit. I tell my recruiter this as well. When they found it, it was encapsulated in my lymph nodes and they were able to go in take out the tumors they implanted these wafer things and closed me back up. I never got sick, I never lost my hair...I NEVER had to fight for my life. Recruiter say's you would not believe how many people just like you are part of our team. And I understand how you feel because my boyfriend had lymphoma and it's not talked about. BUT just because you were a lucky one that was able to get well with no side effects doesn't make you any less important to us. It doesn't make your situation any less Andi...And we would be honored if you would train as a survivor/honoree. By now I can't speak. Cancer is an ugly ugly disease, and it's hard for me to see everyone fighting for they're lives and to know that I came away from mine so easy. It's hard to call yourself a survivor to something that never made you super sick. I got sick, had to have surgery and then blood work every few weeks for a year. It's hard for me to think that just because I had the words lymphoma on lab results that I'm on the same level as someone that is sick every day, or having to do chemo. I was lucky, very luck and I thank the lord every day for it. But it's hard for me to wrap my head around people wanting to know my story... there's not much of one...or them calling me an inspiration. I'm NOT! I got lucky 2 times. So when I was able to compose myself again, I asked if I could think about it and let her know what my decision is.

Then as the day went on I couldn't understand why this has caused so much emotion...and I think it's because I've been ok....but in reality I've been held hostage to this disease for the past 23 years. I was 12 when I had my first surgery and I remember it taking a long time to get back to normal. I couldn't be around a lot of people, I was tired and run down feeling. I was a competitive dancer and I couldn't compete anymore because I would get too tired. I HATE needles and would have to go have blood work done every 3 weeks for 3 months, then 6 weeks for 6 months then every 6 months that took about 2 years and then I had to have it done 1 year later. So for 3 years I was a human pin cushion and then to doctors appointments anytime I started to feel bad or had a swollen node School was awful for me, I was tired and worn down and would be sick a lot. My sophomore year I started homeschooling. My second bout was when I was 17 and I remember finding a lump in my armpit and thinking it wasn't cancer because I made it 5 years...But it didn't get better and it was getting bigger and I remember not telling anyone because I was scared that really it could be cancer but hoping it would go away. My best friend at the time had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and he was the one that said I didn't look good and I told him about my lump and he made me go to the doctor to get it checked and my blood work came back bad. I remember watching my best friend get weaker and weaker and sicker and sicker...and all of the nasty things cancer and chemo and radiation does to someone...and I remember how worried he and his parents were about me. He passed away 11 day's before my surgery and I remember coming out of recovery with my parents on one side of me and his parents on the other side of my bed. Again they were able to remove my tumors and implant medication and then the blood work regime started again. I still can't call myself a survivor, and I still don't see how I can inspire someone with my story about my illness. But I think I finally realize why this internal battle to run a marathon as part of Team in training is so important to me. It's funny how much your heart remember's while your head tries to forget.

Sorry about that I called my sister after I got off the phone with my recruiter and I told her she has a big mouth and we laughed and I cried..and laughed...and I told her that I'm Officially her Teammate now! So i got my fundraising page set up tonight and my sister told me to send the link to her boyfriend because it's his tradition make the first 1 dollar donation. Earlier this evening I got a text from him that said You have your first dollar! I can't tell you how exciting it was to read that. I'm so excited to do this! I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but you know what? I'm actually looking forward to meeting more people that share my story. I didn't realize I was broken and I think that I'm going to start healing wounds that I covered deep without ever dealing with.

So I'm warning you now, your going to be hearing a lot from me on this journey.
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    What I hear in all that is that you've spent years and years telling yourself that you weren't a survivor, that you didn't deserve any credit for being strong, and all along you were denying what you did go through and the strength it took to come through that. I'm glad this helped you see that, at least to some extent.


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    on joining the Team and good luck with all that it will take!
    2538 days ago
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