Can Not Rise Above Misery
Friday, April 06, 2012
I get it now. I keep asking myself, "Why can't I lose the weight?" I am actually extremely knowledgeable in Health Science and have been beating myself up since the birth of my final baby. I have looked at my life and I realize now that it is not the four kids ages six and under, full time college or lack of sleep. It is my "other half". I realized that I don't want to be here with him anymore but since I have had so many kids in a limited time, I haven't worked. Therefore, I have no money to start over. I guess you can say that this degree will be a major help, but that is not until October. I have been unhappy for quite some time now and it does not get better. I have been holding on for so long and even though I have known this for a while, I have really put the two together.
So what is next? Nothing. That is the sad part. I have no family or friends to lean on for help. All I really have is my kids. For them I must keep playing a part in this home, a student in school and their role model. I find myself emotionally unattaching from reality and it scares me. I zone out on TV and video games. These are my ways of not facing reality. It feels like I have been lost at sea without a life raft and floating on my back, just hanging on for another moments time.
That moment is what I vision the future to be. Having my first degree, working, nice safe place to live and my kids running around with enormous smiles on their faces. NO more drama and misery. So here I am and right now there is no life raft. But, I am holding on. I can feel my visions of the future like the sun on my face. I need to find a way to deal with my situation with out letting my health get anymore destroyed then it is now.