What Exactly Is It Going To Take For You To Do This?

Monday, April 02, 2012

Today my face was yet again reintroduced to the pavement. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know that I just need to wake up, accept reality, and move on. I know that I just need to do what is necessary to change this.

I weighed in this morning and well, the results were not pretty. My exercising got kind of messed up, first with a back injury and then by me putting more focus into learning to run, which I do not regret, because I know that my exercising is not the issue. As usual, the issue is food. I have been binging again, not as severely as in the past, but still not good. I have basically stopped counting calories. I was doing SO good, but I have managed to trip up in rather spectacular fashion. Things are not all bad, I have been doing much better with drinking water and, as I said, I have continued to exercise. I just can't seem to get this eating beast under control.

So this morning I was getting ready for work and my pants are fitting worse on top of the negative weigh in, so that left me pretty discouraged. Then I was getting dressed for church and I felt so rolly and frumpy. I try to look nice for church, to look put together, but somehow even when I have put myself together as best I can, I still end up feeling like "a sack of potatoes tied in the middle" (as my Dad used to say referring to himself, sadly, he dealt with weight struggles his whole life too). I hate the fact that in a variety (if not the majority) of situations my weight always has to be an issue. I always have to think about it, why do I always have to think about it?!

My second chin is even beginning to reappear!!! Sigh. And thus every insecurity finds its way back to the surface. Sigh.

I knew that I was falling off the track, but somehow I convinced myself that everything would be OK, that somehow this time wouldn't matter. So the question I have posed to myself is this: what exactly is it going to take for you to do this? What needs to happen? Exactly how far are you willing to let this go? Because obviously you aren't willing to make these changes yet....or are you? After you strip off all the fluff and excuses, this is what it all comes down to: Are you willing to do what is necessary to do this?

This entire journey is completed one day and one decision at a time, but I have to be willing to make those decisions. I am so tired of living in this struggle. I just want to be able to eat and live normally and not have this twisted relationship with food. Sigh. I just want to be able to live my life and not have to think about it!!

I am not sure if anything in this blog makes sense, I just needed to get everything out. May revise in the morning. Have a peaceful Monday everyone!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon for writing. I liked your initial statement "my face was yet again reintroduced to the pavement." That caught my attention!
    I am on that path...the Valentines candy followed by the Easter Candy have led me into more sugar than I have had in 2 years. and it is beginning to show, but I hadn't acknowledged ...
    But with 'my face on the pavement' .... change is needed.
    2540 days ago
    I know exactly what you are saying! It all makes sense to me. The way your clothes fit some days can be very disappointing. I struggle with this as well, however we just have to keep going onward and upward. Keep our eye on the prize. emoticon I keep telling myself this every day.
    2542 days ago
    It makes PERFECT sense...i swear, you went into my head and wrote all of my feelings down. It's sooooo unbelievably true what you mentioned about all the insecurities coming back....i've been feeling that way for whole month of March =/

    I pray that you're able to move forward and leave the food struggles behind. Just continue to take one day at a time...i promise you that it will all pay off very soon.
    emoticon emoticon
    2542 days ago
  • no profile photo MBW209
    It all makes perfect sense to me and you expressed your feelings (and mine) so well!
    I guess we will just have to hit that pavement as many times as it takes.... as long as we get up again and get going. :) I know you can do it. I know I can do it. Wishing you a peaceful Monday as well.
    2542 days ago
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