What Exactly Is It Going To Take For You To Do This?
Monday, April 02, 2012
Today my face was yet again reintroduced to the pavement. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know that I just need to wake up, accept reality, and move on. I know that I just need to do what is necessary to change this.
I weighed in this morning and well, the results were not pretty. My exercising got kind of messed up, first with a back injury and then by me putting more focus into learning to run, which I do not regret, because I know that my exercising is not the issue. As usual, the issue is food. I have been binging again, not as severely as in the past, but still not good. I have basically stopped counting calories. I was doing SO good, but I have managed to trip up in rather spectacular fashion. Things are not all bad, I have been doing much better with drinking water and, as I said, I have continued to exercise. I just can't seem to get this eating beast under control.
So this morning I was getting ready for work and my pants are fitting worse on top of the negative weigh in, so that left me pretty discouraged. Then I was getting dressed for church and I felt so rolly and frumpy. I try to look nice for church, to look put together, but somehow even when I have put myself together as best I can, I still end up feeling like "a sack of potatoes tied in the middle" (as my Dad used to say referring to himself, sadly, he dealt with weight struggles his whole life too). I hate the fact that in a variety (if not the majority) of situations my weight always has to be an issue. I always have to think about it, why do I always have to think about it?!
My second chin is even beginning to reappear!!! Sigh. And thus every insecurity finds its way back to the surface. Sigh.
I knew that I was falling off the track, but somehow I convinced myself that everything would be OK, that somehow this time wouldn't matter. So the question I have posed to myself is this: what exactly is it going to take for you to do this? What needs to happen? Exactly how far are you willing to let this go? Because obviously you aren't willing to make these changes yet....or are you? After you strip off all the fluff and excuses, this is what it all comes down to: Are you willing to do what is necessary to do this?
This entire journey is completed one day and one decision at a time, but I have to be willing to make those decisions. I am so tired of living in this struggle. I just want to be able to eat and live normally and not have this twisted relationship with food. Sigh. I just want to be able to live my life and not have to think about it!!
I am not sure if anything in this blog makes sense, I just needed to get everything out. May revise in the morning. Have a peaceful Monday everyone!