Emotional Whirlwind

Sunday, April 01, 2012

I feel like I'm sucked right into an emotional tornado. All of my emotions are whirling around my head and I have no control of anything. The one thing about me is I am a CONTROL FREAK! If I can't control something I become a freak! And right now there are a few things that are sending me to tears. Things I can NOT control, Things from my past I can NOT change, things in my marriage I thought we were past. And the high of finding my happy place and still having to come back to reality.

When I was a young girl I got involved with an international service organization. I LOVED it, I loved that I was part of something so cool, that we got to wear formal dresses, that I made friends all over California and other states. The fact that I got to travel to other states. I LIVED and breathed this organization. Some of my best friends I've made through this. Actually this is what brings this up. My dream was to be a state appointed officer. As a young girl to be a "grandie" was like being a superhero. I dreamed of being appointed. I loved the group so much that I was the head of the local assembly 2 times, and filled in for other offices. I got the honor of being a state level helper two times and it was great but my dream was to be a Grand officer "grandie". However due to politics in our local assembly, my dreams were crushed and Honestly I have blocked a lot of this out. I can't remember much of this point of my life in this organization from the age of 17-20. I did become very jaded and backed out of the picture. One of my best friends got a Grand appointment and I was so happy for her, but crushed at the same time. It's a special sisterhood, you belong to something grand! I really didn't support her very well, I was disconnected with everything associated with this group. Because I was crushed and it hurt so bad.

This weekend was her 15th reunion at the state Assembly and while I was happy for her again, I all the emotion from when I was young came flooding back. The feeling that I'll never belong to anything like this. That I won't have something special to go to. Another reunion I don't get to share in (I was home schooled in high school so no reunions there either). I cried all weekend over this. How silly I feel about never getting to reach that dream. The fact that someone thought I was too poor and crushed my dreams as a teen age girl. I feel like I was robbed. And I think it is a huge part of my not finishing things I start. Because I think I'm afraid to get invested to find out I'm being shunned again, or that I won't be good enough. Or that I won't make it to the end so it's easier to quit before I get hurt.

Then I feel like I can take on the running world after one week of C25K. There's a run coming up called The Diva's a 5k or 1/2 marathon. So I was reading and thought...hmmm with a little pushing I could totally do the 5K by may...well then I get reading more and fall in love with the medal you more... only 1/2 marathoners get the I get it in my mind that I can do this. Even if I walk it I can finish. So I get my gym partner talked into it too. But then reality set's in. I do want to run a 1/2...BUT it's at Disneyland in SEPTEMBER!!! If we did the Diva I'd be doing a 1/2 5 weeks after starting a running program....equals 2 things 1: possible failure 2: possible injury...and for what? A pretty Medal and tiara. Could I finish a 13.1 mile walk/run in 3.5 hours. I'm sure I can. But honestly why do I feel the need to push myself to such craziness. So I texted my friend this morning and asked her if she registered yet. She said no and I was so relieved. I told her what I was feeling and she's like Oh I'm so glad you said that. So we got our reality check back in order and decided that we are NOT doing the Diva. There is a 5k in June that we had originally thought about doing, so we decided that was a safer more real were going to do that one instead. And I'll continue to train for the Disneyland one in September.

Resistance of the run, my husband is putting a little resistance against the run in September. It's not the run itself it's the fundraising part. I'd have to raise 3300 plus travel expenses and then dinners for my family and rooming accomidations for the reality I'd have to raise 3300 for Team in Training and about 300-500 for travel expenses for my family. UGHHHHH

So between these two things and something that came up this morning I've been in tears off and on all weekend. Tomorrow I go back to work and I don't want to go. I feel like I need to nurse these emotional wounds. But the other part of me know's that going back to my regular scheduled life is good for me..and I can nurse my wounds at the gym while I'm running. I just feel so empty inside this weekend.
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    You all are right, and this is why I pour my heart out here..the good bad and the ugly. As far as the running part I got wrapped up in the whole Feeling like superwoman and could take on the Marathon world....which I will still do...BUT when I'm more conditioned.
    My hubz asked me ok what's the driving force becoming a marathoner now, after 4 years of your sister trying to get you to run. And honestly before I knew I could NEVER do it...and now it's something I CAN do. My sister is a marathoner and will be doing her first Triathlon next month. I've always been the proud big sister, and I don't want to be the proud big sister anymore. And then I realized, I don't have to be! I can be proud of myself no matter where I sister is beyond excited that I've started running. And she doesn't care where I'm running either.

    Here's how this "running thing" came about. I have a friend from High School that just did her first 5k for St. Patrick's day and she posted a link about the Tinker Bell run in Disneyland for 2013. Disneyland is truly my happy place. And something inside me clicked and I was like I'm not a runner but I'd be interested in doing this. Then I got to thinking, It's a year away why couldn't I run it? So I called my sister to see if Team in Training does that one. She called me back and said they did it this year so it is a race they do. So I got in touch with the team in training recruitment person and told her what I was looking for and she said that Tinker Bell is not showing up yet but Disneyland 1/2 is scheduled for Sept. 2nd and they still had openings allotted for TNT. And I actually had sticker shock. But then the impulsive me said..I can do it. With a lot of hard work I CAN do this! The fall season for TNT hasn't started training yet so if I started training now, and fundraising now, I'll have that much more time to meet my goal. The resistance from the Hubz come's because 2 weeks before the run if I have not finished fundraising they will charge my bank account to finish my commitment and he's like NO WAY NO HOW! I don't blame him, that's a scary thought. EVEN though they will pay you back if you finish your fundraising, the thought that someone taking money from my bank or credit card is not a happy thought. I have not committed to the run with TNT it's still something I want to do but I need to make sure that things in my household will not suffer because of it. So the decision I've made is I continue to run and get stronger, get better and will be watching the Tinker Bell 2013 registration to open (which is a whole lot less $ if I register on my own). We were planning on doing Disney at Christmas time anyway this will just push it out a few more weeks. There is a small chance that I may decide to to do the September run if I can talk to people and see if getting sponsorship and donations would pay for it. But I'm not making any major decisions for now.

    As for the service group I was involved in we did several service projects. We would do one state wide one for the year and then our own local ones. We would do fundraisers for the state project and we've raised hundreds of thousands of dollars each year to help, the shriners hospital, A Horse back therapy foundation, Melanoma Cancer research, duchenne muscular dystrophy just to name a few of the one's I was involved with. This part I will never regret. It's the political aspect that I was hurt by. It's really hard to explain the reason for wanting to be a "grandie" unless you've been involved with this service group. But he fact that a group of adults said...They can't afford it. That I wasn't good enough to be a state level officer because someone thought they knew what my family could afford. But when I was the Top officer of our local group 2 times and then filled in for these people that said I couldn't afford to be a "grandie" and I was bringing in money from fundraisers for our local assembly they weren't thinking I was too poor then. I was the same girl with the same financial status. It was just a dream of mine that I wasn't able to reach because a group of people thought I wasn't good enough.

    I know I sound like a spoiled brat with a case of the wah wah's...but I'm just a little shocked myself how hurt I was by everything in my head this weekend. I'm generally very impulsive and will jump at something then scramble to make it all work. So this new exercising self control is very new to me and at times hard to take in. I'm sorry if I do sound like a whiner but it's a very uncomfortable place for me, and it's going to take a minute for me to get adjusted to it.

    One thing I can promise is you will be hearing from me as I reach my goals. You will be riding this roller coaster with me lol.
    2544 days ago
    It is interesting how demons from our past have a way of possessing our present. One thing to keep in mind is, you are now an adult and you can feel the way to choose to feel. The past has no power over you any more. It is simply history.

    You may be saying, "That's easy for you to say." but I can assure you, I know what I am talking about. I could tell you privately what things I have gone through, but I won't post it here. It took a long time to convince myself that I deserved to be happy and I was allowed to be successful.

    You also deserve to be happy and successful. What others do or say cannot change your value. And even if you are not able to accomplish certain things, due to finances or whatever, you still have immeasurable value. You need to remind yourself of that. Over and over, every day. Do it until you believe it, because it is true.

    I strongly agree with TheShelbster. Set your own goals and when you accomplish them, tell the world! Or at least us. :) There are probably local runs that you could enter as well. That wouldn't be such a financial burden. Once you have a few under your belt, set your sights on bigger things. Save for that big, prestigious run and then just getting there will be a big achievement. Even if it is two years from now.
    2544 days ago
    Just a curious question - is there a particular reason for doing the Disneyland run this year? As in, if it is an annual thing (many of these races are), could it be a longer goal to do it in 2013 instead. That could give you plenty of training time, with other more doable races in the interim. Plus you'd have considerably more time to save up for the trip side of things. (In fact, you could be networking some in the interim to have people willing to contribute to your fund-raising next year.)


    As to the other thing, it definitely sounds like there was a failed purpose there - something you really believed in. But I'm curious (a character flaw of mine, I'm sure). Looking back, what about being a "grandie" had the most appeal? Was it the position, the level of authority, being seen as a success in the group?

    What about the service the group was doing? Was that important?

    I ask because the one thing I found interesting in your description of it, you don't say anything about the service the group did, the people it might have helped. It's all about the internal workings, the ranks, and the side benefits of travel and dressing up.
    2545 days ago
    Can I tell you something? As the girl who could not run 5 minutes straight to the girl who can run 8 miles and 1.5 hours straight? I thought about entering 10K's and half marathon's and such. I am so poor I can not even afford the $25 fee. And even if I could I would have no one to watch my son.

    But do you know what I learned? I learned that beating my OWN records, left me more satisfied than any medal or any race could ever give me. Some days it takes all I have to get on that track even when there are only 3 or 4 people on it. All I can do right now is set my own goal (20 min, 1/2 a mile, 1 mile, 3 miles, 5K, 20K, 7 miles, 8 miles....)

    Medal are fine and dandy. But all they really are is an exterior thing to reflect something you did inward.

    You know what I did? Look at my spark page. Every time I broke a personal running recor I put it on my spark page. You do the same thing. Blog about how you though you would NEVEr run andf how you are in your second week of C25K. You told me I helped change your life. WAY too much credit to give me but in that same spirit, pay it forward. Touch someone else's life by beating your OWN personal records and blogging about it.

    I am sorry that you feel you missed out and that you did not get to partake in something that you wanted to., But girl, you are so amazing to get it like you get it now. I am almost 40 and only just now got it so you got a leg up on me.

    you are AMAZING! Don't let anyone (including yourself) EVEr let tell you differently!
    2545 days ago
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