Sunday, April 01, 2012
I feel like I'm sucked right into an emotional tornado. All of my emotions are whirling around my head and I have no control of anything. The one thing about me is I am a CONTROL FREAK! If I can't control something I become a freak! And right now there are a few things that are sending me to tears. Things I can NOT control, Things from my past I can NOT change, things in my marriage I thought we were past. And the high of finding my happy place and still having to come back to reality.
When I was a young girl I got involved with an international service organization. I LOVED it, I loved that I was part of something so cool, that we got to wear formal dresses, that I made friends all over California and other states. The fact that I got to travel to other states. I LIVED and breathed this organization. Some of my best friends I've made through this. Actually this is what brings this up. My dream was to be a state appointed officer. As a young girl to be a "grandie" was like being a superhero. I dreamed of being appointed. I loved the group so much that I was the head of the local assembly 2 times, and filled in for other offices. I got the honor of being a state level helper two times and it was great but my dream was to be a Grand officer "grandie". However due to politics in our local assembly, my dreams were crushed and Honestly I have blocked a lot of this out. I can't remember much of this point of my life in this organization from the age of 17-20. I did become very jaded and backed out of the picture. One of my best friends got a Grand appointment and I was so happy for her, but crushed at the same time. It's a special sisterhood, you belong to something grand! I really didn't support her very well, I was disconnected with everything associated with this group. Because I was crushed and it hurt so bad.
This weekend was her 15th reunion at the state Assembly and while I was happy for her again, I all the emotion from when I was young came flooding back. The feeling that I'll never belong to anything like this. That I won't have something special to go to. Another reunion I don't get to share in (I was home schooled in high school so no reunions there either). I cried all weekend over this. How silly I feel about never getting to reach that dream. The fact that someone thought I was too poor and crushed my dreams as a teen age girl. I feel like I was robbed. And I think it is a huge part of my not finishing things I start. Because I think I'm afraid to get invested to find out I'm being shunned again, or that I won't be good enough. Or that I won't make it to the end so it's easier to quit before I get hurt.
Then I feel like I can take on the running world after one week of C25K. There's a run coming up called The Diva Run...it's a 5k or 1/2 marathon. So I was reading and thought...hmmm with a little pushing I could totally do the 5K by may...well then I get reading more and fall in love with the medal you get...read more... only 1/2 marathoners get the medal...so I get it in my mind that I can do this. Even if I walk it I can finish. So I get my gym partner talked into it too. But then reality set's in. I do want to run a 1/2...BUT it's at Disneyland in SEPTEMBER!!! If we did the Diva I'd be doing a 1/2 5 weeks after starting a running program....equals 2 things 1: possible failure 2: possible injury...and for what? A pretty Medal and tiara. Could I finish a 13.1 mile walk/run in 3.5 hours. I'm sure I can. But honestly why do I feel the need to push myself to such craziness. So I texted my friend this morning and asked her if she registered yet. She said no and I was so relieved. I told her what I was feeling and she's like Oh I'm so glad you said that. So we got our reality check back in order and decided that we are NOT doing the Diva. There is a 5k in June that we had originally thought about doing, so we decided that was a safer more real goal...so were going to do that one instead. And I'll continue to train for the Disneyland one in September.
Resistance of the run, my husband is putting a little resistance against the run in September. It's not the run itself it's the fundraising part. I'd have to raise 3300 plus travel expenses and then dinners for my family and rooming accomidations for the run..so reality I'd have to raise 3300 for Team in Training and about 300-500 for travel expenses for my family. UGHHHHH
So between these two things and something that came up this morning I've been in tears off and on all weekend. Tomorrow I go back to work and I don't want to go. I feel like I need to nurse these emotional wounds. But the other part of me know's that going back to my regular scheduled life is good for me..and I can nurse my wounds at the gym while I'm running. I just feel so empty inside this weekend.