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Fade in...

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Fade in to bright lights, rhythmic tones, glistening bodies stamping in time – and Lifegenesis comes face to face with the monster. One of my best friends beside me in the middle of a kickboxing class I find myself avoiding the gaze of the stranger in front of me. Electric frizzy hair sparking on top of her head, face a gory blood red, disfigured body bouncing in delayed time her waves of heavy flesh jarring against the constant tug of gravity – I come to see my own reflection again –a sick friend waiting for me on the other side of the looking glass.

I heave a great inward sigh – forcing myself to continue watching the instructor, continue smiling conspiratorially at my friend – fight the constant pull of self-loathing beckoning from a mere few feet away.
Why is it so hard to accept that this is what I have made of myself? That my body is nowhere near what I imagine it to be in my mind? For a moment – gallows humor consumes me and I am impressed with myself for having the strength to heave such a mass around on a daily basis. Talk about bad ass in a completely new way. After catching sight of my actual ass in the mirror – I turn away disgusted, bas ass is right.

Double sigh.

I have struggled the last few months. After being ridiculously victorious the first month of my abstinence I started the battle with my emotions, the technicalities of what “eating right” really means and I have been a washed in a sea of second-guessing ever since. It is embarrassing seeing myself, it is hard to meet old friends and admit that I haven’t made progress, it is emotionally draining seeing all too much of the inside of a refrigerator and way too much non-progess on the scale.

I am tired of my inconsistent motivation. I am tired of this journey. No – scratch that – I am tired of NOT making progress on this journey. It would be so much more WORTH it if I was GOING somewhere and not just watching people go by.

I HAVE to begin again. There is nothing else I can do.

I am not going to back some huge crazy goals – I am not going to push myself TOO hard. I am just going to set up TWO commitments that I will accomplish for the month of April. That is IT. I will stay within my calorie range (GASP – tracking?!) and I will exercise for at least 15 minutes a day. That is it.
See you at the end of April you stinking beast – and we will see who is smiling then.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Best of fortune to you!
    2751 days ago
    You can do this. Lofty goals don't work. Don't set out saying "I'm going to lose 100 pounds!" Your short-term goals for the month of April are perfect. Slow and steady wins this thing. Pounds that are lost quickly have more opportunity to return (in my opinion).
    2752 days ago
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