Sunday, April 01, 2012
Fade in to bright lights, rhythmic tones, glistening bodies stamping in time – and Lifegenesis comes face to face with the monster. One of my best friends beside me in the middle of a kickboxing class I find myself avoiding the gaze of the stranger in front of me. Electric frizzy hair sparking on top of her head, face a gory blood red, disfigured body bouncing in delayed time her waves of heavy flesh jarring against the constant tug of gravity – I come to see my own reflection again –a sick friend waiting for me on the other side of the looking glass.
I heave a great inward sigh – forcing myself to continue watching the instructor, continue smiling conspiratorially at my friend – fight the constant pull of self-loathing beckoning from a mere few feet away.
Why is it so hard to accept that this is what I have made of myself? That my body is nowhere near what I imagine it to be in my mind? For a moment – gallows humor consumes me and I am impressed with myself for having the strength to heave such a mass around on a daily basis. Talk about bad ass in a completely new way. After catching sight of my actual ass in the mirror – I turn away disgusted, bas ass is right.
I have struggled the last few months. After being ridiculously victorious the first month of my abstinence I started the battle with my emotions, the technicalities of what “eating right” really means and I have been a washed in a sea of second-guessing ever since. It is embarrassing seeing myself, it is hard to meet old friends and admit that I haven’t made progress, it is emotionally draining seeing all too much of the inside of a refrigerator and way too much non-progess on the scale.
I am tired of my inconsistent motivation. I am tired of this journey. No – scratch that – I am tired of NOT making progress on this journey. It would be so much more WORTH it if I was GOING somewhere and not just watching people go by.
I HAVE to begin again. There is nothing else I can do.
I am not going to back some huge crazy goals – I am not going to push myself TOO hard. I am just going to set up TWO commitments that I will accomplish for the month of April. That is IT. I will stay within my calorie range (GASP – tracking?!) and I will exercise for at least 15 minutes a day. That is it.
See you at the end of April you stinking beast – and we will see who is smiling then.