JESSICA2140

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Fear.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

I just weighed myself for the first time in two weeks. Here's a "shock"...still holding strong at 281. Really. :P How I've grown to loathe the 280's.

In the last month, as many of you know, I've had some pretty serious issues with my marriage, which led to some pretty serious issues with life in general, and resulted in my taking a lot of time off from SP. Not from eating well and exercising, but from logging my food and interacting much on here. "Time Saving", I guess. It was a necessary reset. I feel a little more positive about "getting back to it", and I'm hopeful that giving myself a hall pass will help me to get back into it with renewed vigor.

I'm also taking the kiddos back to Wild Waters today...it's opening day after being closed for the Winter. This is my first "public bathing suiting" since they closed for the Winter back in September...and I'm nervous. Wild Waters is (thank God) one of those odd places where the incredibly fit generally coexist in harmony with the incredibly NOT, but let's face it...there is always at least one A-hole in a crowd. I finally found a new bathing suit (as last year's is obscenely huge...just need to pat myself on the back for that one), and I'm really happy with my appearance now as opposed to my appearance last summer, but I'm afraid that it's only going to take that one douche bag to ruin my poor, fragile self esteem for the day and send me running for the Dippin' Dots stand. On the plus side, I'm feeling pretty fiery already this morning, and said a-hole would be VERY sad they crossed me, but still...I would prefer to avoid being a Bad Mutha on the opening day of a waterpark. So...there that is.

Here is where most of the fear is coming into play: I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm still not getting excited about logging all of my food again, or "having" to log onto this site daily to interact. I'm afraid that I'm going to bail on my team in the upcoming M2W April Challenge because of disinterest. I'm afraid that I'm NEVER going to see my stupid scale get below the stupid 280's. I'm also afraid that I'm going to be arrested for aggravated battery in the kiddie pool.

So what does one do with this fear? I WANT to make a little nest for myself in my closet and stay there for the next year. But I'm GOING TO put on my big girl panties and deal with this. I've got WAY too much time invested in this to quit. There is too much riding on my efforts (health wise) to quit. And I have several SparkFriends who would actually physically chase me down and handcuff me to an elliptical if I dared to throw in the towel. :)

So...I'm figuring that my only option is to cowboy up and hit the wave pool. I'm going to get back into the habit of logging on here daily and doing my "thang". I'm going to stop being a Nancy Pants about the whole thing and just do it. :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GOURMETLOSER
    Oh boy do I relate to that. Yep ...... REALLY I'm going to stop being a Nancy Pants about the whole thing and just do it. :)
    Thanks for the butt kick!
    2300 days ago
  • BEAUTY_WITHIN
    Way to go facing what you're afraid of! Remember, NOONE can make you feel bad about you without you LETTING THEM! You've done a lot of work (and have a new bathing suit to show for it!!!! You did a great job in the last year - and you have NOTHING to be ashamed of! You're beautiful, brave, and doing a great job! I look forward to seeing more of you on here!! emoticon emoticon
    2303 days ago
  • ZANNBEE
    Proud of you for getting out there. You've been through a lot this past month. Enjoy your day with your kids. emoticon
    2303 days ago
  • JANDK156
    I am gonna kick your ass if you care one iota of what some stranger thinks of you! emoticon No one is perfect and if anyone DID make a comment, it'd be someone unhappy with themselves who has a sick need to put others down so they feel better. Pity them. Now suck it up and get your sweet self into our KISS challenge. I wish I'd read this before worrying if you'd like the KISS, cos I obviously worried about nothing! Sounds like we all need a KISS. emoticon
    2303 days ago
  • JDUBLANKO
    YOU CAN DO EET!!!! Proud of you for sucking it up and just doing what needs to be done...I seem to be doing that a lot lately as well...so it's nice to have someone in the boat with me emoticon
    2303 days ago
  • BITTERSWEET100
    VeeJay said it all so well. Fear can be powerful but it does not have to win. Just be yourself! and you are right. You cannot quit now and no worries on letting anyone down, just try your best.
    2303 days ago
  • VEEJAY3
    Fear not. I wish I could pass my 54-year-old wisdom down in some form that would make sense, but what I've learned after years (decades!) of worrying about how I looked in a swimsuit or shorts or sleeveless shirts is that IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. It doesn't.

    One of my favorite writers is Annie Lamott, and she stood by her best friend's side as the friend died of breast cancer. One day Annie tried on a pair of shorts and asked her sick friend "do these make my thighs look fat?" And the friend, who was dying, said "Oh Annie, we do not have TIME for that."

    It's true. You do not have time for that. It does not matter what you look like in any bathing suit. It matters that you have a glorious time in the water and enjoy your kids and LIVE.

    Have a blast, Jessica!
    2303 days ago
  • ADVENTURESEEKER
    I'm not in any challenges so I don't bail on anyone if I don't have time. It does take time, but tracking is part of how I'm successful. WAY TO GO on not gaining!!! That is something to be super proud of emoticon
    2303 days ago
  • 1PEACEBUNNY
    I think when you going through something that you have to have time to have a complete mental breakdown with crying, yelling, loathing and being selfish by wrapping yourself up in that moment. Many people would disagree with me but holding it in and pretending like everything is ok leads to dangerous explosion type situations. When I am going through something traumatic or hard, I do all of the above as a cleansing. When I am tempted to stay in it, I pull myself out because I know that it is not the end of the world and then I call all those that love me and explain that basically I was just taking a mental health day (s) for me. Writing this may have been therapeutic for you so you've already taken one step in the right direction. Don't be yourself up any further and try to find a positive way to counter act your feelings from your current stressful situations. Will it make everything perfect, probably not but at least for a little while, you will feel better and start on the path to being ok. After all, we all need guide signs and directions sometimes to get where going. You will be ok, someone somewhere loves you, appreciates you and cares that you are here even on days when you think they don't. emoticon
    2303 days ago
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