I need to cry this out

Friday, March 30, 2012

I'm feeling awfully low. It's nice and sunny outside and it's refreshing after a week of rain but all I want to do is lay like broccoli. I put on a baggy sweater (it used to be skintight) because I feel fat. Weight is the same as yesterday but it's higher than it was last week. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control for some reason.

I don't understand why. I'm making good, healthy food choices. Is it because I'm adding too much carbs to my diet? Am I not exercising enough? I'm not doing anything too different from my usual routine... or am I? Is it the bagels? The bread? The soybean curd? The cheese? Am I having too much fruit? I even took out meat from my diet this week!

Today's breakfast felt like a total binge... I planned for a bagel, bananas, tofutti soy cheese, peanut butter... then I ate 1/2 a kashi bar... but I couldn't stop and had another. I know looking at the bigger picture, it's not as bad as I think it is but it makes me feel like a failure for some reason. I'm so sad and lonely that I don't even want to exercise.

I know there are things that are bothering me:

1. office colleague's comment yesterday - she's a bit of of witch and she asked me yesterday if I was gaining weight. Not something you should ask ever, especially not to someone who's bloated because of the absent but totally symptomatic TOM. I tried to laugh it off and be casual in my response but looking back, that tiny question stung. It made me feel ashamed of my body which is something I shouldn't feel. I should be proud because getting here took a lot of work and while it still needs fine-tuning, I should love it just the same.

2. missing my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) but being too proud to show that I do.

3. finding out that someone I used to like now has a baby... there goes my chance.

I'm trying to stay strong because I know that I'm worth the effort. I lifted up these little pains to God and I know He will see me through. This is a test of faith. I guess life has to get hard sometimes so that we appreciate the easy times and not take them for granted.

(Sorry for such a downer post. I figure I'm better off writing it down than taking it out on food.)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, this blog came at a perfect time for me! I've been struggling with my diet, too. Not overeating, but just bored. When I stick to my "safe" foods, I maintain my weight. When I branch out, and try new things, even though I stick to the same calorie range.... I gain weight! Even though it is the same 1-2 lbs. that we perpetually lose and gain in maintenance. It still upsets me when I see an increase on the scale.

    P.S. Soy makes me retain water.
    2274 days ago
    There are days that I feel like that even though I know I am eating right. I may have one thing extra that I tried to stay away from but didn't. Sometimes the brain needs to catch up to the body. You've lost a lot of weight and I think it is perfectly normal to sometimes feel like the old you. Don't let it get the best of you. You are beautiful and amazing.
    As for the guy you liked... I think it's God's way of telling you that he isn't the one for you. When the time is right, you will meet that special someone.
    Keep on fighting, you are worth it!! emoticon
    2275 days ago
    Thank you everyone. Your comments seriously made me feel a whole lot better! I did a round of weight loss yoga with Bob Harpy Harper and I'm now back to swimming in my sweater.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon - wouldn't know what to do without spark and sparkfriends
    2275 days ago
    Hey girl, don't fret, as a guy i can tell ya you're incredibly attractive. Remember, you're a lot more active that you were in the past. Now that you've shed the weight, you're bound to start putting on some muscle. In addition to weighing three times as much as fat by volume, they love their nutrients and like to soak up that extra water to function.

    So the the only number you should be worrying about is your body fat %, and the best way to measure that is to be put in a tank of water! You're doing AMAZING and that muscle will get ya looking like Jillian! Not that you need it, you already look better than her ;P

    You're devote, intelligent, beautiful a motivator, plus you're human so we all have our days, but know from other's perspective you're doing amazing. Keep at it! =)
    2276 days ago
  • LLINDY65
    This has been a week of down days for me too but you know what? {Poo on those who are negative} Tomorrow is another day and we must look for that half full glass of water cause it is out there waiting on us to pick it back up! Hang in there kiddo!
    2276 days ago
    You are just having a bad day. Tomorrow will be better. You are awesome emoticon
    2276 days ago
    Down days are just a part of the journey through this life. You are smart to vetn and get it all on paper. Seeing how you "feel" will help you see what the real truth is. The brain likes to play tricks on us, and the old negative self wants to rear it's ugly head. When you recognize it for what it is,(lies!), you turn around and change your thinking to what is a fact and what is true. You've come so far! Tell the negative thoughts to "get lost!" and replace them with positve oves.
    Never apologize for being honest on your blog! emoticon
    It helps to see that not only are you successful, but you are human just like the rest of us!
    I hope you "feel" better this evening, and have a good weekend. God hasn't brought you this far to abandon you! Trust in Him, and take it one daty at a time!
    What an awesome inspiration you are!

    2276 days ago
    This is your place to vent! Don't feel guilty about posting a negative blog. Finding support when you need it is a good thing. One meal of having some extra calories isn't going to undo all of your success, especially when you are able to recognize it. You are figuring out a diet plan that will work for your maintenance phase - there are bound to be some bumps along the way. I'm in the same boat as you with that now and I can tell you there are good days when I feel like I have it all worked out and then bad days when I feel like I'm going to undo all my hard work.

    When I find myself eating for a reason other than hunger, I really try to figure out what I am trying to accomplish. Usually I'm just bored so I find something else to keep me busy. If I'm upset about something I try to do something comforting like take a warm bath or do some yoga.

    I hear you on not wanting to exercise when you're in a funk, but sometimes those are the best times to! It can boost your mood and if you are upset about something, you can really release a lot of your frustration.

    And like everyone said already, your coworker is a dweeb. I would be upset by that too. There's no way of knowing why she said it, but you should try to ignore it. When I am stewing over something like that, I usually try repeating a mantra to myself. "I'm happy, I'm healthy, and I'm _____" is what I say to myself. Maybe in this situation I would fill in that blank with "forgetting stupid comments!"

    I hope you feel better about things soon.
    2276 days ago
    BEATLETOT is absolutely right.

    1. Feel how you SWIM in that sweater now! Feel it's largeness on you. FEEL the room you now have in that sweater and be PROUD of that. It did't happen without effort.

    2. Realize this about people: people who are insecure about themselves TRY to make themselves feel "bigger", "better" by putting others down with cruel comments. The reality is that YOU have had the courage to confront your own demons and do something to help yourself, become a better person, become a healthier person. The person who made the cruel remark, well they're stuck with themselves . . . the unimproved model! Unlike you . . . the IMPROVED version of YOU.

    3. Embrace every wonderful thing you are. Hold your head high. Tomorrow is another day, a clean slate, an opportunity to show what you've learned from the days before. Realize each day is NOT going to be perfect. And that's alright. . . .as long as you learn from your mistakes (and Lord knows, we ALL do!).

    4. Embrace your faith, as you have done.

    Hugs, and tomorrow will be a better day. We're here for you.
    2276 days ago
    Everyone gets to vent now and then - and if you miss your relatives why not call them up? I had a couple of uncles who were always telling jokes and in general having a good time, and it always cheered me up just to be around them for a while. Telling your troubles is a good way to let off a little steam - that's why guys go to a bar most of the time - to get away from problems for a while, and just tell a couple of friends what's bothering you.

    I hope you feel better tomorrow.
    2276 days ago
    The only reason someone would ask you such a stupid question is because they are jealous. Honestly, who asks that? Only a moron. If she dares to ask such a stupid question again, that's what you should say. Geez.

    Take the big sweater and instead of thinking of it as a way to hide because you feel fat, really pay attention to the way you swim in it. Feel the places on your skin where the sweater isn't touching, because you are so tiny in it. That would feel so good to me! Do it for me, okay?

    And if that doesn't help, you'll feel better soon. Everyone does after a good cry.

    Hugs to you!
    2276 days ago
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