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That kind of hunger...

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Have you had ever had the kind of hunger that food just does not feed? Yesterday I had that kind of hunger. For me it starts out like true hunger. I remember thinking to myself right before lunch that I was having what I deem "one of my hunger days", but realistically, there was no reason for it. I fed this hunger during the day, but I never felt full. I was not feeling well, which could have been a contributor, but usually when you don't feel well, you aren't hungry.

On my way home from work, I decided to feed the hunger with the wrong kind of food. After I finished eating that wrong kind of food, I was still hungry, so I ate more. By the time I reached for the bag of pretzels, it finally dawned on me that I was not feeding hunger, I was feeding emotions. I was feeding disappointment, rejection and that void that is so deep that crawling out of it seems futile. That void has run deep for many years of my life and even though in the moment is seems futile, I crawl out, like I did this morning when I crawled out of bed, even though I knew that the hunger I was trying to feed yesterday was still going to be there.

I still feel disappointed and rejected. The reason these feelings are looming over me right now is because I will have to face them head on the next time I return to San Diego (which is in a few weeks). You see, the person with whom I was rejected by is currently living with my family in San Diego. My family does not know that we were together last time I was there, so no matter what happens, having to be around him or him not being around to avoid me just SUCKS! I know I need to move forward, but for me, it just is not that easy. You see, when you have no self confidence, you try to create scenarios in your head to ease the pain, but all the while you know the truth. The truth is, he does not feel the same about me, and no matter how many times I try to tell myself it is his loss, he would be lucky to be with me, I know I deserve more, I can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me.....Rationally, I know this is not true, and there are days when I stand strong, but when that void creeps up, when that loneliness creeps up, I just cave....

But today is another day, and I don't feel as hungry. I also know that if that hunger returns today, I need to be sure and ask myself, what am I REALLY hungry for....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm a big believer in self care when I'm feeling that kind of hunger and believe me, I have experienced it on so many occasions. I've fed it all the wrong things which only made me feel worse. As cliche as it sounds, one thing that has helped me is doing something that is pampering and feels good to me, even if it's just spending extra time doing routine body maintenance stuff. Hope you are feeling better as I know your blog entry was several days ago.
    2268 days ago
    Aw, Sweetie - I'm sending you hugs and good thoughts. I know about that type of hunger, it's so difficult to deal with and it seems to grow no matter how much you feed it. BOO!
    2274 days ago
    I hate feeling the way you're feeling!! Just know that you can and will be able to move on- its sometimes just takes (A LOT) longer than we would like most of the time! At least you were able to stop and realize that you were having emotional hunger and were able to recognize it which is a great accomplishment! Just keep your head up- it is his loss, but at the same time, as hard as it is, you need to remember that you are worth SOOOOO much more than being an option or wanting someone who doesn't feel the same way. You deserve someone who is going to feel toward you in the same way that you feel for them, and waiting for that is definitely worth it!!!
    2274 days ago
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