Haven't been doing well...

Sunday, March 25, 2012

I have this mug with a poem on it about how you gotta throw yourself in the river, away from the shore, and let it carry you because the river knows its destination. Trying to catch onto the sides or control your direction will only harm you. I'm trying to let go of the sides and just be present in the current, but I've recently noticed that I'm holding aloft a smartphone and desperately trying to activate the maps applications so I can see where I'm headed.

Weight loss cannot be done with GPS.

And that's been my problem. I've been reading weight loss blogs or taking weight loss tips and poring over weight loss programs... and I just realized I don't actually want to lose weight.

I want something else...

...I want to be able to say "No" when I'm not hungry
...I want to be able to tackle the obstacles in a 5k mud run in my barefoot shoes
...I want to go out to a party and sleep well afterwards, without the headache from the booze or the stomach ache from the sweets
...I want to be able to play in the grass doing cartwheels, jumps, rolls and laughing
...I want to open the fridge and feel like my food is singing to me (right now it is just taunting or slowly decaying!)
...I want to cheer up my intestines so I don't feel bloated on a regular basis
...I want to sweat buckets and then put on a cute dress

I've been hovering around my scale, watching it bounce around (the scale is, for me, a bogus measurement. I change weight within a 5lb window through the day) and it isn't the numbers specifically that bother me. It is the upward trend and the EVIDENCE of my apathy.

There you go, Sparkers, I've been apathetic. I've been cynical and sad and given up. Then I've hawkishly watched the scale to confirm my own failure.

I can't guarantee I've learned my lesson. I'm probably still going to try and micromanage from deep within the river. I'll just have to forgive my meddling and sink under the current again. I love Sparkpeople and while it is specifically a weight loss tool, it is so much more than that. It is a community and a lifeline. I hope that, like Stepfanie Romine, the act of pursuing my own health with ultimately pull my body into sync and turn me into a well-oiled machine. I really like her :)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    that's great that you've realized where you're at! And I love your goals--I totally feel you on them--especially the cartwheel one ;)
    And I think I've been a little apathetic too--I'm working out but not eating how I should, and the scale hasn't budged in months as a result, and I kinda don't really mind.
    But we can do this!! For our goals, for our health, happiness, and future selves--you got this. Don't give up! Over the past year you've encouraged me and given me great advice and tips--you're still that same person! And you're doing this for all the right reasons--just don't let yourself forget them :)
    2278 days ago
  • FUNGIRL81005
    Great post....I am with you Girl..........Everyday....Everyday.
    ............Making choices.. emoticon
    2278 days ago
    Thank you for the post. I've been suffering from a great deal of apathy myself-- reading your goals really helped.
    2279 days ago
    I like your goals. They are much more tangible, sane and well rooted than just "loosing weight". I think you are on a healthier track with that in mind. I really enjoyed reading your blog today. Thank you for sparking me. :)
    2279 days ago
    You know, I think we've all been there. I think you're on to something though, because you've recognized what you're doing, and now you can make a conscious effort to change how you look at things. That doesn't mean it'll never happen again, but at least now you know what to look for.
    2279 days ago
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