Not another start over :P

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I've started over like way too many times to count on here since i joined spark all those years ago. I'm not starting over anymore. Instead i'm improving the life path i'm already on. I think this makes my goals seem more meaningful and much less daunting since i'm not starting just improving. I'm having a hard time again, but i wll get through it. I look back, at when i first joined spark, i was unemployed and had nothing else to do but get in shape. I made it my job full time. I ran my own team challenges, and I lost 40# in like 3 months. I didn't starve, in fact I had to force myself to eat enough calories. I used to do like 3 hours of exercise a day. Not because i was obsessed but because I figured it was better to move than sit on my butt. I was a spark role model and I was very proud. But like a lot of people before me I went back to my bad habits or gained some new ones and gained the weight back not all of it, but enough to be really dissapointed at myself. A real turning point in my life was when my marriage ended. It was at this troubled low point in my life that I was given an amazing gift. I was offered a spot to go on tour singing backup with Pink on her funhouse tour. The catch? I had to get thin fast, super fast. I had to go to 110 from 200 in the matter of like 6 months, I had to be able to do the aerobatic requirements that came with the job. And I lost the weight, i didn't starve myself but ate the least calories i could and not have my body go into stall , I worked out all day, not because i had free time like before but because i had to get thin and strong. God had given me a test, how bad did I want this opportunity? I did it , i lost the weight and went on tour for two years and had the time of my life. Was it worth the ridiculous hard work? YES, YES, AND YES AGAIN. But even though i was having the time of my life i wasn't dealing with any of my feelings regarding my failed marriage. When I got home from the tour, at first it was just like whooo now I can rest. And then I rested myself into the physical activity of a rock. i was very much in denial too, telling myself i'm not fat i was that buff girl on tour, but i wasnt anymore. I gained all the weight back over the next two years. So here is where I am now, I want to get back to that level of fitness i was at before and during the tour. And I knew that when tour time came around again, I wasn't going to be able to do the 6 month loss that I had before, if i tried I would breakdown. So I decided to start now when i'm off tour and get back in shape so I dont have that crash again.
Now however my mind and body is really fighting me on this. i've never been this lazy or unmotivated ever in my life. Every little step seems like a huge leap that i fight myself over so hard. I really dont understand why my mind and body is doing this to me now. I feel great when i'm in shape, my confidence is through the roof and i'll say it i'm untouchable. I want to feel that way again so very bad. So far i'm off to a very rocky start, but I know deep inside me that once i get that spark and ignite the fire i'll be unstoppable. I now look around and say where is my spark? Can someone hand me a match or a lighter? LOL why is this an all or nothing with me? I don't know so I'm now trying to balance in the middle. I am going to do at least one thing every day to work toward my goals and dreams. Today I did two things, I went back to school to finish my degree in medicine, and I ate. I am not exactly happy but I have to tell myself its something right? We'll see where tomorrow takes me. I'm hoping to the gym LOL. no school tomorrow and just my work online so i have no excuses not to hit the gym. I'll keep you posted :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have since dealt with the broken marriage issues. My best friend who was there while I was married and now has become much more than just my best friend has really opened my eyes to life and love. He has seen me at my highest and lowest and patiently waited for me to figure things out. I can now say that I truly believe it when people say things like love at first sight and that it happens when you least expect it. I came back from the tour and my best friend called me on it totally, how I had just ran from everything, including him. And yes him saying that hurt so much but he also said, but I knew you would come back and I knew I just had to be patient. And then I really had to admit to myself that I got married for the wrong reasons like being 29 and thinking this is what people do before their 30 is get married. But I can't say the marriage was a bust because If I hadn't gotten married I wouldn't have met my best friend and love's Dad and I wouldn't have met him. So I do believe there are reasons for everything that happen in this world around us. emoticon
    2553 days ago
  • no profile photo LOTUSLIFE
    WOW! On tour with Pink!!! Amazing. and I hate to sound UN-original but I agree with Shannon...baby steps!

    2556 days ago
  • OSTERA15
    Congrats on your return to school and like Shan said it's all about baby steps. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there!
    2557 days ago
    WOW! On tour with Pink, my daughter loves Pink! Sounds like an amazing time in your life!

    However, I too, the leader of the Lime Challenge is struggling with this healthy lifestyle habits thing. I have chosen to start over with some babysteps if you will, the basics and have one main focus of the week along with challenges on the team, etc... and this first week, it was water and i failed miserably so far, so guess what, it will be water again and I feel more determined...

    We are all in this together, do not feel like the lone ranger. Have you dealt with your feeling over your broken marriage yet? Maybe it's time to start that process...

    2557 days ago
    not really too stressful but the best time of my life. I love performing i feel the easiest on stage. thanks for reading my really long blog LOL
    2557 days ago
    Congrats on going back to finish your degree.

    Upheavals in life can definitely effect our weight. I am glad you are tackling the weight loss issue slower this time. It is much better for you to lose smaller amounts over a longer time, than to lose quickly.

    The tour sounds like it was fun, but I'll bet it was also stressful.

    2557 days ago
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