Not another start over :P
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I've started over like way too many times to count on here since i joined spark all those years ago. I'm not starting over anymore. Instead i'm improving the life path i'm already on. I think this makes my goals seem more meaningful and much less daunting since i'm not starting just improving. I'm having a hard time again, but i wll get through it. I look back, at when i first joined spark, i was unemployed and had nothing else to do but get in shape. I made it my job full time. I ran my own team challenges, and I lost 40# in like 3 months. I didn't starve, in fact I had to force myself to eat enough calories. I used to do like 3 hours of exercise a day. Not because i was obsessed but because I figured it was better to move than sit on my butt. I was a spark role model and I was very proud. But like a lot of people before me I went back to my bad habits or gained some new ones and gained the weight back not all of it, but enough to be really dissapointed at myself. A real turning point in my life was when my marriage ended. It was at this troubled low point in my life that I was given an amazing gift. I was offered a spot to go on tour singing backup with Pink on her funhouse tour. The catch? I had to get thin fast, super fast. I had to go to 110 from 200 in the matter of like 6 months, I had to be able to do the aerobatic requirements that came with the job. And I lost the weight, i didn't starve myself but ate the least calories i could and not have my body go into stall , I worked out all day, not because i had free time like before but because i had to get thin and strong. God had given me a test, how bad did I want this opportunity? I did it , i lost the weight and went on tour for two years and had the time of my life. Was it worth the ridiculous hard work? YES, YES, AND YES AGAIN. But even though i was having the time of my life i wasn't dealing with any of my feelings regarding my failed marriage. When I got home from the tour, at first it was just like whooo now I can rest. And then I rested myself into the physical activity of a rock. i was very much in denial too, telling myself i'm not fat i was that buff girl on tour, but i wasnt anymore. I gained all the weight back over the next two years. So here is where I am now, I want to get back to that level of fitness i was at before and during the tour. And I knew that when tour time came around again, I wasn't going to be able to do the 6 month loss that I had before, if i tried I would breakdown. So I decided to start now when i'm off tour and get back in shape so I dont have that crash again.
Now however my mind and body is really fighting me on this. i've never been this lazy or unmotivated ever in my life. Every little step seems like a huge leap that i fight myself over so hard. I really dont understand why my mind and body is doing this to me now. I feel great when i'm in shape, my confidence is through the roof and i'll say it i'm untouchable. I want to feel that way again so very bad. So far i'm off to a very rocky start, but I know deep inside me that once i get that spark and ignite the fire i'll be unstoppable. I now look around and say where is my spark? Can someone hand me a match or a lighter? LOL why is this an all or nothing with me? I don't know so I'm now trying to balance in the middle. I am going to do at least one thing every day to work toward my goals and dreams. Today I did two things, I went back to school to finish my degree in medicine, and I ate. I am not exactly happy but I have to tell myself its something right? We'll see where tomorrow takes me. I'm hoping to the gym LOL. no school tomorrow and just my work online so i have no excuses not to hit the gym. I'll keep you posted :)