OMG - So this is how I got here

Saturday, March 17, 2012

I am really great at starting.

I have many hobbies I have started - cross stitch, needlepoint, knitting, crochet, drawing, water color, acrylics, printmaking, colored pencils, collage, clay, jewelry, and, most recently, glass fusing.

I cannot tell you how much money and time I have spent over the years, but I can tell you I stopped just short of buying a kiln. I have so many supplies for everything except the clay... no, I will not obtain more clay supplies.

We won't even go into books, magazines, recipes, games and puzzles are spread around the house. Or cooking supplies, ingredients, and recipes which lurk, often hidden in the shadows of bookshelves, cupboards, closets, fridges, our garage (on my side), and our shed.

I've even collected different lifestyles over my 61 years - wife, student, friend, partner, nursing center social worker/salesperson, cook, ESL teacher, was on the board of a singles group for several years, neighborhood mediator, organizer, one-on-one personnel trainer, became a member of an Alabama Cherokee tribe, an artist, volunteer with local democrats running for office, just to mention major paths I've started down and not stayed on. Of course, I still have many of the tools/supplies each of those paths required. Stuff.

I've survived the deaths of my mother and two fathers, inheriting more stuff.

I've lived in this too big for just me and Geri house for over 21 years - Geri's stuff added to my stuff.

Never got the kids I hoped which would have made the house a home and yard full of family. Instead, the house is filled with stuff, most of which should go if I could remain committed and focused.

This is what I see...

I like to start, but I rarely stick with things long enough to get good at them.
I am tough on myself.

The resulting message is I am never good enough.

Then I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
I hide from myself and what I believe others will think of me.
Hence, I am protected by my weight and my stuff and the erroneous tape I've created stating: I am not enough; I am undeserving; I'm not lovable; I don't want anyone to know I feel unlovable, so I hide in my weight and stuff creating a literal barrier.

What a self-deprecating loop to be caught in! No surprise that I battle depression and insomnia - another circle.

Next blog - workable solutions
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I forgot to add: Not only are you so very talented, you seem extremely dedicated, passionate, intelligent, and organized to be involved in so many giving organizations, and to be a leader also!!! (hmm, just had a lightbulb moment, no wonder you were able to 'hit the nail on the head' with my TPRs! LOL) I only wish I had a fraction of your expertise, energy, and leadership. WOW! Don't be ashamed. You sound like a very caring and dependable person. You have given a lot of yourself. You must have been so very, very busy and occupied with that many various 'lifestyles/paths' that you have journeyed so far. I am anxious to read about the next part of your journey. Where does your path lead you? (((hugs)))
    2755 days ago
    I can so relate to you. However, due to ADD or ADHD, I have given up crosstitch, and never did clay, jewelry, needlepoint. You sound like a very talented artist! Right now, I am into watercolors...I love it. Minimal supplies. I have decided to give up oil painting, due to the fumes, I have issues with breathing that stuff. And, I too, struggle with insomnia. Can't sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. Oh, and don't forget, I gave up my TPR crafting, lol.
    That was one whole shelf (the TPRs) in my bathroom, not counting the full bag hanging on my closet door, lol.
    2755 days ago
    I watch the show, Hoarders, on TV. I tend to be a saver, mostly because I do not deal with things when I notice them, but put them aside to do later and never do them. I am easily distracted when doing something and will start on one thing, then find myself in another room because I got sidetracked.

    On the show, usually some life event causes the hoarder to "wall up" with possessions. I think for me, it was when my Dad died. I was an adult, but did not have any skills in how to keep house, cook or clean. I married an abusive man and my possessions filled in for me emotionally because there was no pleasing him. Like you, I would go into different things and lose myself doing them. It was a survival mechanism. I had tropical fish, hunted for and collected old cork-topped bottles, I wanted to learn how to do knitting and quilting, but never did. I think I felt beat up emotionally as well as physically.

    Now I can get rid of things and I don't shop to fill a void.
    2769 days ago
    "Then I feel ashamed and embarrassed."

    Oh how that fits for me. It was brought to light the other day when the new BF asked if I am ashamed of my house. Made me think...I'm more ashamed of myself for allowing it to be what it has been, keeping myself from doing the things I want to do. Tomorrow I will be interested in seeing his reaction, it's cleaner, but it's no where near what it should be.
    2774 days ago
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