OMG - So this is how I got here
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I am really great at starting.
I have many hobbies I have started - cross stitch, needlepoint, knitting, crochet, drawing, water color, acrylics, printmaking, colored pencils, collage, clay, jewelry, and, most recently, glass fusing.
I cannot tell you how much money and time I have spent over the years, but I can tell you I stopped just short of buying a kiln. I have so many supplies for everything except the clay... no, I will not obtain more clay supplies.
We won't even go into books, magazines, recipes, games and puzzles are spread around the house. Or cooking supplies, ingredients, and recipes which lurk, often hidden in the shadows of bookshelves, cupboards, closets, fridges, our garage (on my side), and our shed.
I've even collected different lifestyles over my 61 years - wife, student, friend, partner, nursing center social worker/salesperson, cook, ESL teacher, was on the board of a singles group for several years, neighborhood mediator, organizer, one-on-one personnel trainer, became a member of an Alabama Cherokee tribe, an artist, volunteer with local democrats running for office, just to mention major paths I've started down and not stayed on. Of course, I still have many of the tools/supplies each of those paths required. Stuff.
I've survived the deaths of my mother and two fathers, inheriting more stuff.
I've lived in this too big for just me and Geri house for over 21 years - Geri's stuff added to my stuff.
Never got the kids I hoped which would have made the house a home and yard full of family. Instead, the house is filled with stuff, most of which should go if I could remain committed and focused.
This is what I see...
I like to start, but I rarely stick with things long enough to get good at them.
I am tough on myself.
The resulting message is I am never good enough.
Then I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
I hide from myself and what I believe others will think of me.
Hence, I am protected by my weight and my stuff and the erroneous tape I've created stating: I am not enough; I am undeserving; I'm not lovable; I don't want anyone to know I feel unlovable, so I hide in my weight and stuff creating a literal barrier.
What a self-deprecating loop to be caught in! No surprise that I battle depression and insomnia - another circle.
Next blog - workable solutions