Posted to message board, but want to keep to remind myself
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Okay, I'll admit it. I binge eat. I knew I always have, I remember when I was maybe 7 or 8..eating an entire box of Thin Mints, sitting next to a heater, I was toasty warm and the cookies were oh so good. I fell asleep and woke up throwing them up in my own lap. :( Move forward a few years and I'd eat a whole loaf of bread after school, eat piece loaded with regular sugar. I haven't had that in quite a few years, but man could I eat that stuff up. Today, with more resources available, I still do it. In fact, I usually have only two modes, binging or calorie counting to the T. No moderation, no eating normal. I have no idea what a normal day is.. it is either way too many calories quickly or 1200 only.
My binges usually last for more than one day, typically 3 but I am trying to make myself stop at one day. I was attempting a 'cheat' day but that simply doesn't work because it carries on... and on... and on. I use to track those days under "Agh!!!" on my food tracker for 2000 calories. I can't imagine I eat less than 2000 on a binge. I knew it was getting bad a few weeks ago when I was binging on cereal. yep, cocoa pebbles. Why? I am not really a big fan but when there is no other crap in the house, that is where I went. I ate my kids' cereal, many bowls of it.
The crappy feeling you get after binging is horrible, but yet not enough to stop it. I really have been trying to focus on my long term goals and how this is sabotaging them. I have to really focus on changing my habits, mindset, and behavior. If I had any cash on hand, I would hit the vending machine at work, which would trigger a binge. If I had 5 minutes to spare on my way home, I would stop at a gas station for a supersize Little Debbie Nutty Bar, bag of cool ranch doritos, and the largest chocolate milk I could find!! I no longer carry more than 50 cents and do not pull in to a gas station unless I am buying gas, pull into the convenient stores, heck, any store with food! I often wondered if the cashier was on to me or if they just figured that since I was fat this is what I ate...lol. One time a cashier did mention, I hope this isn't your lunch.. of course, I said no. Truth was I already had a Wendy's meal for lunch.. this was the binge that followed!
Wow, I've never truly put all of that info out there, but I thought joining this team might be a way to create some new successes. And the real truth is that with the weekend quickly approaching, I am hoping to control and avoid my binges this weekend.